The Anchor

After having suffered from a series of unfortunate events, nothing tragic as such, but certainly life-changing, I decided it was time to visit a shrink and get a professionals opinion on the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind.

It has been some time since I visited his practice and had, until recently, been taking the medication he had prescribed alongside some CBT therapy. At one point, however, I decided that I had to face my inner demons by myself, armed with the accumulated knowledge and the experience I had gathered up to this point.

I knew it would not be easy, that there would be days in which i would feel completely and utterly destroyed emotionally for no reason, no matter how hard i worked or fought against it.

It felt as if I was carrying with me an anchor that could, at any given point, drag me into the depths with it.

I knew the risk, I knew the odds, I knew the likely outcome, and yet I braved it all.

Until the day that it was just too muh, the anchor was slowing me down, dragging me down, getting me down.

Nothing brought me joy, happiness, even just contentness would have sufficed, but it just didnt come.

So I took the final step...

I decided to write about it and tell others how living with transient endogenous depression is like and feels like, what getting up in the morning knowing you have every reason to be grateful for but being unable to feel it is like.

I decided to open up to the world, to give, to anyone that wished for it, the opportunity to drag my anchor with me.

It would not make it any lighter, but it would at least not be as lonesome as it used to.

On healing from the past

Its become widely accepted that every human body has a different regenerative factor that determines the rate at which it can recover from injury and illness.

Later it was established that, in the same fashion as the body, each mind also has a rate at which it recovers from stress and trauma.

Today I found out how long I needed to recover from such a stressful event: 9 months and 4 days.

I didnt intend on working on that issue of mine, I didnt even think about it, but somehow, in the middle of a conversation about it, I discovered that I was ready to confront it again, thus proving to myself that I had finally made the last step towards a complete recovery: facing the past head on.

I believe that no therapy or deep introspection would have better prepared  me for the realization, it just kind of happened. I guess that my mind had been slowly cooking the idea in my head up till this point and today was the great reveal.

It was a strange feeling, a different feeling, freedom in a weird way, no more chains holding me to the past, instad I have the futur to look forward to and I can imagine myslf freely talking about it.