Hell

 Hell

An abstract concept for most

A Promise of pain for some

The daily life for many

I take the subway

get off my station

walk 100 meters to my building

climb up the stairs

open the door

get up the stairs, second floor

open the door

And hell awaits me

The final hallway to my apartment

Many times I have walked it

one way or the other

when I leave its no issue

when I stand at the entrance to get to what I call home

its Hell

Many a times have I stood there, wondering what time it is

not in the literal sense

I wear a watch and have my cell with me at all times

but what time in my life is it?

Is it back then when I was coming back from a weekend with her and this hallway meant the return to the daily life

Is it back from another day of work?

A day of studying?

A day of breaking up?

Am I alone, am I in company?

Do I like the company thats with me or does it just soothe my loneliness for the time being?

I wonder most of the times

and I never find the answer

I fear that, deep down, I wish I could turn back time to when I was genuinely happy

Before I had torn everything down

Before I had left

Before I took that ride back from her place and found myself alone and lonely in that corridor

Hell is having to face your failures every day while knowing there is nothing you can do about it

That train left almost 3 years ago and its not stopping at your station again, its headed straight, and you are waiting at the stop, hoping, with all your might, that it might somehow return and take you with it.

But it most likely wont

And you have to walk that corridor

every

single

damn

day

and be reminded of how you fucked up so badly that its still haunting you years after it happened, relationships after it happened, jobs after it happened, friendships after it happened...

Will moving absolve me from Hell?

Moving on, or moving to a new place

Movement is required, and yet I am stuck in this facet of my life

I can not really look forward, I have been blinded by my own ineptitude, my own selfishness, my own ego... my emotional side, too wild and untamed

I hate this corridor and yet, as a martyr in chains I walk it 

every 

single

damn

day

And am reminded that I am not what I could have been

Turning Point

 Did it all go wrong?

I do have the feeling, but I am not sure, its one of those things one cant ascertain, its more of a feeling, and an uncertain one at that

Did I make a grave mistake, perhaps even the worst mistake of my life?

Have I thusly forfeited any chance at happiness?

I can not tell for certain, but I have experienced things and seen things I wish upon nobody

The despair

The lonely nights

The depression

The tears shed in public transportation, the looks of empathy, the sharing of tissues, the start of nocive behaviors

The rash decisions that end up in even deeper cuts and greater hurt

Going out with your new special someone and, when they are not in field of sign at the mall you are visiting, daydreaming/fantasizing/hallucinating that she comes around the corner, that everything that happened was a terrible, terrible nightmare that you had

But, as much a nightmare as it is, I do not wake up

She doesnt appear from the corner of the store in the mall

The new special someone does, and my heart collapses

That relationship doesnt last

Will this one?

No it wont, its already over, you know it, but they dont, and how to tell them?

They are so invested, so happy, it does them well to have you around them, but is it helping you, is it doing you any good?

Do you have the courage to tell them that it does not really work for you anymore?

You will eventually have to tell them...

But then what will happen to you?

Again alone?

Again miserable?

Indulging, sometimes, in the same nocive behavior? Making rash decisions?

Drowning the loneliness in stupid hookups with strangers to not feel empty for those few hours, just to feel worse later on?

Or might you rise this time?

Its been 3 years already

And yet you cant really say that you are completely over her

You daydream of talking to her, asking for a second chance

But you blew it, and you know it

YOU were the one that made the decision for you both, and its your burden to carry

Do I deserve happiness?

Do I deserve to fulfill the plan that is slowly coming together?

Or am I condemned to be a martyr for someone else, to be good for others while being miserable inside?

I wonder

Do I have the right, after having made such a grave mistake, to find someone that might fit me as well as she did? Do I even have a chance, statistically speaking?

Or are those years gone and I am condemned to live with my immaturity, my cowardice, my lack of self reflection?

But I am getting better, am I not?

Will that be enough?

Is it enough right now, or do I have to keep working on myself to have a shot at that which I desire?

Is me writing this down going to make a difference?

Is there another turning point in the horizon, as I approach my 30th birthday?

Majora / Minora

I put on a mask

I do not actively chose to, but I put it on

Nobody but one person has ever seen me for who I am

Imperfect

Depressed

Doubtful

Lusting for what I can never have

One person alone knows it all

And that person is not here anymore

I put on a Mask

Willfully

I do not want to be seen

Dont want to be noticed

Dont want to be forced into the light with all the burden that such an action would imply

I put on a mask

I take my pills

Is this even the real me?

Who or what is the real me?

Could they tell?

Could you tell?

Can I tell?

I put on a mask

and hope someday I will look back and think that all this ordeal was silly, my suffering was more imagined than real, my writings were a product of their time and will forever stay that way

I put on a mask

With the hope of one day being able to take it off and show my face to the world

The decision / Curtain call

Since the first moment I lay eyes on you, something stirred up inside me
I could not really explain what it was
your shy smile?
your radiant eyes?
your small frame?
The way you know what you want, or at least for that brief moment you did know...

It enthralled me...
It made me lose control

I had never experienced such a thing

I came out of a long relationship, and I was in need of something you could not provide

Why?

You were taken... In a weird way, but you were

But there is this burning sensation and magnetic attraction that I do not know how to deal with
You can not extinguish this passion I have the same way you burn out a cigarette when you throw it in a small puddle of water: it sizzles for a few seconds and then its light is extinguished...

I can not do that...

We shared a walk, we shared messages... It drew me in.

I am aware I started it and I was, once again, very aware what I was getting myself into....

Such a weird thing to say, would you not agree? "I would tap that..."
I did it for two reasons, as I told you: test the waters and try to get a reaction out of him

There was no reaction from his side, but you did react to it apparently

Did I raise the bar too high for my own good?

Maybe, maybe... That time it was my raw emotion and the alcohol and cigarettes talking more than my rational side

I casually talked to you that Wednesday, wanted to walk with you, get to know you a little better
You took, once again, the initiative and asked if you could swing over, I agreed, I just wanted something, I did not know what, I still do not, but I wanted it

You worked, I organized the mess that was my room, but we both still had scrambled minds... we should have made sure that our minds were tidy before we did what we did, but passion is not rational.

The moment passed, we showered together, shared laughs as we rinsed our bodies from what had happened. It was not bad, but it was not that great either, we both secretly knew it.

You spent the night, unexpectedly, even had a toothbrush with you, you swore it was not planed, just like all the evening we had spent together, but it was convenient, just like the evening, I guess.

We looked forward to the day proper, the day in which we had agreed to meet....

I prepared dinner, got some decent wine to lighten the night and our minds. We shared stories as we ate the meager dinner I had whipped up. I did not notice anything weird by the time, but I guess in hindsight some questions were weird.

I still remember how you looked at me as you rode me... that funny half smile half frown that you make... its funny and weird, but its... fitting, attractive.

The second night felt like two black holes colliding, each eager to devour the other, to make it part of itself.

You had left your bike out... that was a sign. Did I know what it meant?

Probably

Did I want to interpret it as such in the heat of the moment?

Definitely not

I can still smell the scent of sex and your taste in my lips from that night... It felt good.

I was not able to finish either night, maybe that bothered you, but since you had already made up your mind you did not consider it important to raise up...

You had told me you would not spend the night this time: last night you and me had barely gotten any sleep and we had to go to work on the next morning. It was the rational thing to do...

Should I have stopped you?

Maybe

You left, the bitter taste of an unanswered question lingered in my mouth:

Will I see you anytime soon?

You just half-assedly smiled and rode your bike home.

It was not a ten speed, would have made for a funny story since that is the title of a song of my favorite band.

As I saw you ride away into the night, tears started swelling up in my face...

"Keep it together... keep it together till you are home and nobody can see or hear you weep" I told myself as i struggled to open the door, climb up the stairs and open the door to my flat.

Once I was in the safety of my home, I broke down.

A stream of insecurity and loneliness covered my cheeks

Bitter tears of unfulfillment were slowly covering my bathroom floor... I went to the door once more, vented my anger with one punch that barely scrapped my knuckle.... I was not even to properly express my frustration...

I crawled into bed.

No youtube till passing out tonight, just the blissful silence of the cold winter night entering my room through the small crack of hope that was my window. The sound of the quiet night soother me to sleep and I, at sometime, fell asleep thinking that I just wanted the pain to go away.

Automaton for Friday, that is what was in store. I be damned if anyone at work is going to see me weep. I had to run away some times to catch air, to not drown in my own emotions, frustration, despair, loneliness.

At the time I did not understand my feelings and emotions, it was a short lived thing, I knew it had no certain future, if any future at all...

But I later realized, 24 hours after I had talked to you, what was happening to me.

It came to me while I smoked a cigarette that Saturday night on my balcony after a long gaming session that should have eased my mind.

I want her

I want her

I want her damnit...

What was it again? 3,75% if I recall correctly

Those were the chances you and him had established for a person of finding their ideal partner.

Then why could I not be granted the chance to try my luck at it?

Winning the lottery was less likely, was it not? And you had said it yourself, well, he did... I deduced later that you were not as much into the whole open relationship thing as he was.

You were looking for freedom to engage in sexual activities, but were still afraid to fall for someone else... That much was clear to me after giving the whole situation some thought. You were probably feeling a similar attraction that I was, but you had a commitment and I was still mending myself after these past  years.

I talked to S, he invited me over to talk, we shared parts of our past, shared some tears together just like that Saturday night that I met you and S and I stayed up late talking about what a relationship entails.

We had things in common... more things than I had ever had with M...

Am I a fool?

For sure... But that is not negative in my eyes, it drives me forward.

Suddenly you also arrived, I waved you hello as if nothing had happened, as if everything was fine.

Once S left, I waited for you.

I still do...

You came up the stairs, I asked if we could talk, you invited me to your room, I stayed next to the door, probably because I knew that I would be making use of it in the near future...

We talked, we opened up, I asked you to not bullshit me with an explanation that bordered you selling me the idea that you were doing me a favor by not pursuing this any further.

"If you think we did not click for you, just say it!" I demanded "Please do not assume what my thoughts and emotions are or try to dictate what they will be, please do not do that"

You looked down and realized that I was right.

"Ok... I did not enjoy Thursday as much as I thought I would"

Did hearing that hurt?

Like a bitch

Was it better than not knowing what the next steps were?

Definitely

Even as I write this I do not know what goes on in your head... your smile frown that forms under your small nose and those glimmering eyes conveys nothing to me, I have to ask what is going on in your mind, if everything is alright. But you did not trust me to be strong enough to take the blow that Thursday night, little did you know at the time that not knowing had hurt e even more, but how could you?

You were thinking and feeling for both of us.

Destiny forbid I am right... but you are going to end up hurt with the way the things are... you and him are not on the same wavelenght... you have hitched that ride because it seemed convenient at the time taking into account your past experiences, but I doubt you follow the same easy going attitude towards the relationship he has... I hope I am wrong, I truly do.

But why am I addressing this to you?

What are the chances you will ever read this?

Close to 0, but there is, just like in my heart, the glimmer of hope that tells me that maybe you will read it, maybe I have a chance.

Am I a fool?

For sure.

I left that night, feeling that you would cry after I did, I know I was going to break down as soon as I crossed the threshold. And I did.

I unlocked the bike, lit a cigarette and rode home, regret falling emanating from my eyes as I slowly made my way into the night.

In a movie you could have asked me to stay.

In a movie I would have asked you to stay.

This is not a movie, this is the theater of life and the curtain had fallen on that night, closing the act.

I thought I was not going to hear from you even as I longingly stared at your profile picture.

You did write, asked what my plans were, I did the same. I again considered it to be the last message.

It was not...

You keep writing to me, responding, being somewhat playful...

How am I to deal with it?

Am I to consume my soul in the pyre of passion?

Am I to fade in the sandstorm of sorrow that lashes at my heart?

Am I a fool?

Without a doubt.

What the future entails... nobody knows... we write our own scripts and I, for one, have decided how the next act is going to look.

Have you done the same?

Are you feeling something remotely similar?

Can I trust what you say, if I know you do not deem me strong enough to deal with reality?

Somehow... it is not important.

Having you present in my life means a lot to me, gives me purpose, gives me direction.

You will most likely never read this, or maybe you will...

Will I write you a letter just like we playfully said we would today? Will I dare?

"I will toss a coin and decide based on that."

Only a fool would do that.

I do not let fate decide for me, I take life by the horns and push with the force of an immovable object in the opposite direction.

You may be unavoidable, fate/destiny, but I will not give up without a fight.

S said: "You have two options: you either talk to her and risk rejection or you let it be and accept it"

NO

Nobody but me decides my fate

I grab it with both hands, I pull it towards me and make it my bitch.

Tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every new sunrise, there is a new chance of improving, of learning, of growing, of overcoming... of living.

For that is live: getting rejected and not accepting it, fighting against it with all you have. Not in a brutish kind of way, but in the smart way.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and with the herald of light I will take my chances.

I kiss you goodnight on the forehead just like on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.

My chances are slim, but better than none, and I cling to that for dear life.

You swept me off my feet, and now it is my turn to do the same.

Get ready for the new act, hear the orchestra playing the first notes of the vals of life, in which we all spin around between the madness and sanity, not wanting to stop for fear of death but afraid to spin out of control.

The curtain opens

The lights shine on my face

"Here I come" I whisper as I take a step forward

Recollection of rememberances

It was hard being alone in the room...
Writting helped, the ghost helped, the daemon helped in his own twisted way, but it was lonely and sometimes depressing.
And yet i look back fondly at the memories i made back then, at the writtings i produced back then, the time spent in solitude, the confort of being shielded off the outside world.
There was a strange feeling of delight knowing that no matter what, i would be safe here.
Out there... i did not know what was out there and frankly i had no intention of finding out at first, everything i needed i had in the room.
My spirit of adventure got the best of me though and i left, but what i found was not what i expected.
But what exactly did i expect anyway?
Before being locked away the world was doing not so well, so why would that have changed in my absence?
A bitter place this world is, not by itself of course, but by the people that inhabit it.
People fighting over matters so trivial in my young eyes... and still trivial in my old eyes.
They say that war never changes, but they are wrong...
The one that never changes is manking, thus making everything stagnant.
War doesnt change because humankind does not change...
Where do i stand amidst this madness?
Do i want to change how the world works or die trying?
Or do i want to live my life with no regard of the world, doing what i want to do till my time is taken from me?

Life went on without me...

She remained silent for a moment, as if pondering the words she was about to speak.
*I dont really know how to beginn with this tale, there is so much to tell...*
"I think we have plenty of time, you dont have to worry about that, take your time" - I calmly told her as I directed my gaze to the window.
The wasteland underwent no change from one day to the other, the horizon and the sun made the ilusion of slight change real.
*It is a little complicated and mysterious*
"I'm ready for whatever you have to tell me"
*I sure hope so* - she looked out of the window one last time and then saw me right in the eye.
*We waited for the hatch to open so we you could get out... but we had not quite thought about how much time it would take you to get there before the hatch closed yet again, so the problems started there, we had to use the tray to block the closing gate, which probably triggered some kind of alarm, which we did not notice at the time but found out later*
She stopped her narration and looked at me, as she saw that I had barely reacted to her telling, she continued.
*The nightmare began once we were outside of the room. It was a maze and we had no clue how to advance, any plans we made have made had no more use once we were confronted with the truth of the mission. We thought about following whatever device that had brought the tray to the room, for it was carried there somehow, there was nothing to be seen though, we later deduced that the alarm had made the devide either hide or self destruct. Clock was ticking and we needed to get out of there. We did not know if there was going to be any punishment for you for trying to escape, if someone or something would come out of the blue to either return you to your room or kill you on the spot.*
I had started sweating, each pearl made the fog in my mind diminish.
*I cant really tell how much time we spent wandering through the maze... but every second that passed made our anxiety grow as we could not fathom what would happen next. We were able to find what seemed the pathway to the exit, dont ask me how we did it, after so much wandering my memories also distort and deform at some point*
I could remember monotony, endless corridors, one corner after the other we looked around in search of any clue that could lead us to the exit...
*We were on our way as we heard the shrieking sound of the alarm and the guardian of the maze*
I had trouble swallowing as my memory was kind enough to make me remember just a bit of that scene.
*A mechanic thresher maw was at the end of the corridor quickly making its way towards us...*

Kleid aus Rosen

I left everything behind...
My youth, my parents, even the man I was meant to marry...
Everything overwhelmed me, had me in its mercy, a tidal wave washing away my dreams and desires.
I had taken few decisions in my life, but this one I would take and follow through for once.
I ran as never before, streets flying by, corner after corner I turned, a blurr of emotions and memories coiled around my consciousness.
Thats what brought me to this particular house. Nothing special from the outside, but the inhabitant was a gifted individual: he painted on human skin.
As I stood in front of the house I called out:
Master! Master! Give me Roses, paint your roses on my young and uncorrupted skin!
Sting those roses into me!
But child, the master told me in soft voice, these roses will cost you blood, you are not suited for this.
Master, I am ready for whatever pain or suffering I will have to go through, I beg you, make Roses bloom on my skin, for I have never felt either being beautiful nor being free.
I cant, child, this is something not to be tread lightly.
Master, I beg of you, stitch the freedom I desire into me...
Child, I hope you wont regret your newfound freedom as soon as you taste it, please follow me inside.
I was led into his workshop, the walls covered with beautiful drawings of all sorts of beautiful things, dragons, unicorns, roses, lilys, mountains, beaches, oceans...
A bed was in the middle of the back of the shop, a courtain separating it from the rest of the room.
On a little table there were aligned a lot of different needles  and little bottles full of ink.
What roses do you wish for, my child?
I... dont know... roses... beautiful roses
What color do you desire?
Does it matter, Master?
Yes it does, child, each rose color means something else.
Would you chose for me?
No child, it is something you have to chose for yourself, as it is something that will accompany you for the rest of your days.
Then... I want blue roses
Very well, please lay face down on the bed and uncover your back
I was unsure of the Masters intentions... he could take advantage of me while I undressed myself
Nothing to worry about, child, no harm I will do upon you
His calm and silky voice soothed me
I took of my blouse and lay flat on my stomach on the bed
I am ready, Master, I told the master, as he had begun preparing all the needles and was with his back turned to me
Child, this is the point of no return, once the first needle has pierced your skin I will ahve to continue, for I never leave my work halfway, so I will ask one last time: are you sure of this?
Yes, Master, I am sure of this. I will bear with whatever comes from here on
The master took the needle in his hand and placed it on my back, as the tip touched my skin I could feel the coolness of the metal
The coolness was soon replaced by pain, excruciating pain that made me cry out in agony
I told you, Child, these roses are gonna cost you dear
Before I could even reply I felt the piercing of the needle yet again, another cry
Blood began flowing out of the piercings made by the skillful hands of the Master
Roses, vines, leaves and blood bloomed on my back, the white bedsheet slowly changed its color to bloodred
Just then I saw it, in the corner of the shop, was a basket full of bloodstained bedsheets
The price of the roses was pain and blood, a long agony that ended hours later when the Master stood up and evaluated his work
The deed is done, Child, you can rise from your grave, as you have been dead and reborn
I couldnt move, my blodshot back was still aching from all the piercings
Here Child, take a look yourself at your freedom, the Master told me as he put a mirror next to my head and held another one over my back
Its magnificent, is all I could mutter
My back had been turned into a rose, vines, leaves, buds, blooming roses...
Now Child, how are you going to pay?
P...Pay?, I stuttered
Yes Child, my skill does not come free nor cheap, did you not think about that when you walked into my shop?
No..., I answered quietly and shy
See, Child? Such reckless and thoughtless behaviour is what you have to get through if you ever wish your freedom...
I..., I was completely clueless on what I might say or do in this situation
Child, lest we make an agreement and you pay for my skill, you will never grow or gain freedom, so listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you. You will pay me back working for me and sometimes letting me use your skin to paint on it. This way you will learn.
Yes..., I said, Yes Master, I will work
Good, Child, now go, you will start tomorrow morning. Another thing Child, please wear from now on clothes that show your back so everyone can see.
I nodded and got up from the bed, I did not care anymore if he saw me like this after showing me how compassionate and kind he was.
Do you have a scissor, Master?
Yes Child, what do you want it for?
I want to cut open the back of the blouse so I can show my back
As you wish Child, he said as he went to get the scissors
He swiftly brought them to me, I cut the back in half and put on the blouse
Until tomorrow, Child
Yes... tomorrow, I mindlessly answered as i made my way to the door
As I left the shop, the Master went to the back and started cleaning everything, a task I would do for the next year.
I took the longest way home I could think of
As I crossed a bridge, I stopped and directed my gaze to the sea, so close and familiar as mysterious and unknown.
I am the sea, I have know myself for a lifetime and yet I know nothing about me...
With that thought circling my mind I stood on the bridge and watched the coast until the dusk made its way into the night.

PS: This entry was inspired entirely on this song, I highly recommend you listen to it and read the lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I37CYmYQwjA

breaking a habit, making a habit

They say it's very difficult to break a habit but I know for sure that it's also very hard to make one.
Darkness had accompanied me most of my time during my first few weeks, I think it might have been weeks but I can't be sure since there was no way to keep track of time, and the light seemed at first comforting company.
But it was not enough.
I had to do something, there were just too many spare hours in my days that were wasting away due to my inability to actually do something.
I had to change that, but in order to do so I would have to make a habit, no easy task for someone like me.
I am the kind of person who has trouble when starting something, the first step is the most difficult one for me, once I get that one going, the rest just comes naturally, just as the words on this paper are being written without previous thought.
There was paper and there were writting utensils, I needed nothing more appart from that and the light bulb hanging from the ceiling.
So there I silently sat staring at the satinated stern walls with no thought in mind regarding what I should write down, what could be relevant, what could even transcend someday, if and only if I were to get out of here.
But suddenly it came, the idea that started all this madness, the spark of sanity in the sea of caos that had become my mind for the past minutes.
Just write
It seemed so simple and yet so incredibly vague that it frightened me.
Just write?
Just write
Write for yourself, write for the ones that will never see this pages, write for the ones who will, write for someone who might be trapped as you are, write for the free, write for the young, write for the old, for the ones already gone and the ones that have yet to come
Just write
And so I sat down and began writting down everything I could remember about how I had gotten into this mess and how my existence had carried on trapped in between these four walls.

Poise(on)

Why do you poison me?
You say you love me, you say you want to see me fly
yet every day you rip some of my feathers off
and off i go into solitude and confinement
for the resentment i feel is way beyond words
that may describe any emotion
Devotion is what you think i should feel
yet nothing nearly as good forms in
my wretched mind wandering
with the wind i go
and with the wind that brought me
ill leave
not alone
not affraid
not broken

To a white paper

Dont stare at me like that, its not like I want to see you like this.
My most inner desire is to clothe you, to give you meaning, to give you something to be remembered for, but I am not sure I will be able to do that today.
Today is not a rainy day, so I can not clothe you with water drops.
Today is not a sunny day, so I can not clothe you with sunshine.
Today is not a cloudy day, so I can not clothe you with soft clouds.
Today is not a foggy day, so I can not make a translucent veil that may cover just some parts of your beauty.
Today is not a snowy day, so I can not make you a white winter cape.
Today is just a dark day and I cant see your beauty at all.
I will make you a dress made of dew, for my tears are starting to flow and I would dislike to see them spilled in vain.
Please give me one more day, just one more, to make you shine through, let everybody see you and admire your beauty, your grace, your wisdom.
Today I can only offer my words, tomorrow I will offer the world.

Monster inside of me

I open my left eye
Darkness
I open my right eye
Daylight
"What... the ...hell...?"
"I dont think you should open your left eye, its completely bloodshot and doesnt look too good" She nervously tells me as she rummages the house.
I close both of my eyes and try to get up, which proves far more difficult than it should, but on the other hand I am accustomed to easy things becoming  almost impossible.
"Is the daemon here with us? I cant seem to remember seeing him inside as the Morph jumped in to deffend us from those Banshees.
"Yes" she whispers "He is over there"
I open my right eye to see where she is pointing at, the far corner of the room that is barely lit.
I get on all fours and start making my way towards my daemon. With each step I can distinguish a little more of his silhouette.
He doesnt resemble me at all right now, he is bigger, buffer and has much longer hair.
Wait a minute...
"Daemon?" I ask quietly
"Yes?"
"Have you... Have you..."
"Yes, I have morphed, took me a lot of effort. Dont come closer, I need to rest and recover from my wounds. Oh, and cover that left eye of yours if you dont want to go partially blind"
"I got that" she shouts from somewhere inside the house and shortly after appears with an eye patch.
I take it from her and place it over my left eye.
"Now that this has been taken care of..." I mutter "What happened to you?"
The daemon is breathing deeply and I can feel how difficult it is for him to catch each breath.
"How should I know? I saw you trip just a few inches away from the door and I feared everything would be over, I panicked."
"And you turned into a wolf like antropomorphic creature..."
"Does seem that way" he chuckles "Just give me some time to recover and I might be able to explain what happened or at least what I think happened. Ask her to tell you about our great escape from the room, that sure is a nice story"
"Come over here, lets not disturb him" she tells me, her voice calm
I get to the other side of the room and lay on the floor in order to not waste any of the precious energy that could be left in me.
"My writtings!" I get up fast as lightning and look around the room.
She places her hand on my cheeck  "Hush now, they are near the door, dont worry, I took care of them as we escaped"
I settle down, reliefed that at least my legacy is safe.
"What is the last thing you remember about the room and our escape?"
"Uhhh" I hesitate. I dont really remember anything besides the last night I spent there "Nothing related to the escape itself Im affraid"
"Well... Then i have a lot of telling to do"

The project

"Hey Kelly, would you mind taking a look at this?"
"What is it, found anything interesting in those manuscripts yet?"
"If ghosts, daemons and banshees are not of your interest, then perhaps not.
This guy wrote everything down, no exception. We could almost fill an entire
library with his work."
"Well it does seem like he had a lot of free time at the beginning of his
journey"
"Your humor never ceases to amaze me, Kelly. If everything he has written
about his life is true, then there is so much more out there than we could
ever imagine"
"Look, thinking about leaving this place is such a crazy idea it shouldnt even
cross your mind. Reading and analyzing this could already get us in a whole
lot of trouble."
"Id say its a risk I am willing to take"
"Anything you say"
"Here, take a look at this"
"..."
"Amazing isnt it?"
"..."
"Speechless are we?"
"We cant let anybody else know about this..."
"Anybody?"
"Anybody, we have to get the others out of this project, its becoming far too
dangerous. There is just to much banned information in these pages, they
wouldnt even punish us anymore, they would get us out of the way."
"So im guessing it did catch your attention."
"We have to look further into it. If truth is what this man wrote, then..."

Logbook

2024 AD
Captain Terrojas Logbook
The Banshees have been howling for a while now.
Not that it concerns me, their victim is probably either almost or already dead.
And those bitches wont be able to come near me.
Lucky charms id dare to say.
I knew that those books about chinese charms would come in handy one
day or another. Good night sleep assured for me.
But the plain darkness that surrounds me isnt confortable. The solitude of
the badlands is common, but that doesnt mean that you get accustomed to it.
Since everyone is on their own and you really cant trust nobody, its not like
you would enjoy company anyway. Ironic, aint it?
And dont expect no good will come out of someone knocking on your door.
Last time i did it turned out to be possesed dolls.
Creep the heck outta me.
I have been trapped inside this wreck for two days now. And it doesnt look
like I'm gonna leave anytime soon. I saw a sandstorm brewing in the
distance before the banshees started chasing me.

The Banshees howling has ceased, interrupted by a loud roar that split the night.
What kind of terrible creature is out there with the power and ability to silence the shrieking of death itself?
Not like Im going to leave the safety of the charms to find out, but I reckon Im having a hard time dealing with my curiosity.
Maybe Ill check it out in the morning.
Maybe...

Shortcomings

"You have to hurry, dusk is coming and we are almost there, please hold on
just a little more!" - she sounded desperate and she truly had a reason to.
We were almost at the entrance of the village, but dusk seemed to move
faster than I did, nothing surprising considering the state in which I had
started the journey and the lack of nourrishment during the journey. Where
the food I had gathered was gone, I had no clue.
*You are gonna get yourself killed if you dont speed up a little*
"I know... i know" I wheezed under my ragged breath.
The entrance lay just 10 meters away and the nearest house which wasnt
completely shut close 15 meters away.
Dusk was just 3 minutes away and I really doubted of my ability to close the distance between me and my goal in time.
I heard a shrieking scream in the distance.
"They are coming..." - she whispered breathless with her eyes opening wide in terror.
*You sucker better get a grip of yourself and fucking get your ass inside the house in 1 minute or all your efforts will end up here*
I was already dragging my feet on the dust, unable to move at a faster pace.
"What is that howling sound?" I muttered.
"The Banshees coming for you, please move faster, they are almost here"
*If you dont sprint, you are doomed...* the daemon started to look nervous
"Why would you care anyway?"
*I am part of you, you dick, if you die you drag me with you*
"Figures"
I try to quicken my pace, really wishing it is enought for me to elude my
unknown hunters.

Write for me

"Why dont you try writting something erotical for a change?"
Her words struck me...
"What do you mean?"
"I have read some of your writtings, you have your style, you have your stories,you writte about different genres, but never have i seen you writte something of an erotic nature"
"That may be true..." - I muttered.
"Well of course its true, have you even ever considered it?"
"Not really" - I admitted, more to myself that to her.
"Well?" - she looked at me with her pretty dark eyes. I could see she wanted me to do it, let my imagination and probably my perversion break free and flow onto a piece of paper.
"I... I will try, I promise"
"Yay!" - her eyes lit up and she hugged me tightly.
If it meant so much to her, hell knows why, then I would try my best.

[...]

At home I, for the first time, confronted a blank piece of paper onto which I would write something I had never written before.
No fantasy, no steampunk, no slice of life, no such topics would appear in it, though I could write something with elves...
No no no, nothing like that. I must try to write something life-like, something that could happen to anyone...
Who am I kidding? I have no clue on how to start such a journey.
My hand shook as I neared the pencil to the table.
Fear... I was affraid.
The unknown is what we are affraid of, let it be darkness, let it be another religion, another race, just another human being, but something of which we dont know nothing about.
I got up from my seat and quickly went over to the window to gace at the nightsky.
Faintly shinning stars embedded in the dark blanket that was the universe.
Tomorrow would be a new day, a new chance to go on an adventure, to write what had never been written, to confront myself with this newfound fear...
Tomorrow was the day

Turmoil

The star lit sky gave me no rest on this night.
All the turmoil and caos around me promised many restless nights, if there
was ever to be a good night sleep for me.
How could so many believe in something so cruel, something so erratic, so
random, so unfair.
Was god real?
Doubt it...
And even if he were, i would not bow down to him even if he were to descend
from the heavens and in person asked me to join him.
Suffering, poverty, hunger, wars, terrorism...
If he sat and watched all that happen, he was not worth praising.
I could only fathom what frustration it was for some to hear others praising
god for a job well done by them.
If the operation goes as thank god.
If it didnt, the surgeons fault.
Such a double standard made me mad to the point of having to take a few
long breaths in order to repress the urge to hit something.
Miraculous recovery, its gods work, its a miracle, cant you see? What more
proof do you need?
I would definitely need some solid proof, not just the dreams and delusions
of mad men wanting the invisible dinosaur in the dark room to be real.
As real as the Alicorn sitting next to me while im writting this. Her mane
flowing with the wind, whispering sweet words into my ear, telling me
everything will turn out for the best.
A person that hears voices in his head: a madman.
A person that hears gods voice in his head: a saint, a chosen one, a holy
person and other names like that.
No different to me, those who listen to voices in their head are crazy.
Yeah... I know that Snowy... Yes, i am crazy myself, Snowy agrees.
I am mad myself, yet i have achieved the clarity and state of mind to
aknowledge that i didnt go crazy by myself, the world made me this way.
Or am i just pretending i am mad so that i may seem human?
I may just be wearing a mask, just like everybody else, so that i dont have to
deal with the idiocy and lunacy around me.

If i were to preach Snowy's religion to the others claiming that it is the true
one, i would end up locked up in sanitarium, where all the worlds preachers
should be.

See that, Snowy?
See the madnes?
See the sadness?
See the suffering?
The greed? The hate?
The egocentristic mindset of the society i have to live in?
Good thing you dont have to live here, i dont think you would make it through
the day.
Seeing all the enslaved animals, the poluted rivers, the cut down trees, all
that they call progress.
I sometimes wish i could leave almost everything behind and go live with
chinese monks or with a tribe, no matter the place, just live a simple life.
Almost all i would be glad to leave behind, yet my friends and my partner is
worth going through what seems like hell in order to keep them by my side.
As precious they are to me as a diamond.
You are precious too, Snowy, dont be jealous.

And now i rise, not as a hero, but as a villain to society, the villain this
society deserves, someone to take the blame, to make them open their
eyes to the real world they are living in.
No reward i expect, no sign of gratitude.
Stones, laughter, insults... that i expect.
I will welcome every single blow because i know that at the end of the day i
will be doing what is best for them.
For now i return to the shadows, not really knowing what lies ahead, but
knowing what i strive for.
My eyes will get acustomed to the darkness, my body to the beatings, my
hand to the grip of this pen, for i shall tell my journey to whomever would like
to read.

You will hear from me sooner than you think, untill that time comes, i bid
farewell.

The house and the lake... continuation

Three months had passed since i last set foot on the dusty doormat.
Nobody but me took care of this place and i had had not too much time for that either.
So the dust and dirt had made itself at home.
As i opened the windows in each room, shame overwhelmed me.
My duty to keep this place incorrupt... i hadnt been able to fulfill.
I took care of the cleaning disregarding the time it would take me.
I had plenty of that now that my dreams had been finally crushed.
No job, no place to stay but the house by the lake and all the memories hanging in the air as if they
were silent ghosts judging me with their penetrating gaze.
I came to this place to try out some pills a friend had given me not too long ago.
He told me they would work wonders on my creativity and my self esteem, making me get past the
sadness that threatened to consume me.
I had taken the pills, but internally refused to take them.
I would deal with my problems myself, as i had always done and i would work my way to the top without
the use of external inspiration.
I thought the grief and all the lingering emotions would act as my muse.

Oh, but how wrong was I?
Very wrong... very very wrong...
Nothing had come out of it, no inspiration, no great compositions, not even a decent hit...
And so i sat in the middle of the living room, staring out of the window into the willow and the lake.
The bottle of pills in my right hand and the guitar lying in front of me.
If this didnt work, then i had nothing to lose anyway.
I popped open the white lid that separated me from an endless sea of posibilities and despair and
swallowed one of those little orange pills.

A 20 written on one side, "732" on the other and an obliterating sadness took over me.
I knew that the effects wouldnt kick in until after at least 2 hours, so there were 2 dreadful hours ahead
of me.
I closed the bottle up, took the guitar, leaned back in order to lay on the floor and put it on my belly.
A quick glance at the ceiling revealed that i had missed a huge spot while cleaning and a solitary spider
span its sily web all over the lamp that lifelessly hung from a single cable.
I was usually afraid of spiders, but right now i didnt care that much. And she was too far away and
under control.
That was the only thing i had under control at that moment, though.

I started feeling a tad bit better, so i got up from the floor and hung the guitar around my neck.
A song about a spider? Nah...
A song about the fear of the spider? Better...
I started strickig chords in an apparently random pattern.
Slowly it started taking shape, developping from a ghastly idea to a solid secuence.
I hummed a tune while playing at first, but that just wasnt enough.
I stopped playing but kept humming, i had to get this on tape or something. I got the recorder out of the
guitar bag, placed it on the table, hit the record button and kept playing.
Soon the lyrics started pouring out of my mind, through my gut and into the room.

I dont know how much time i spent senslessly jamming in the room, all i know is that i took a break
when daylight was about to pass away.
Now it was time to listen to what i had been doing for the past 5 hours.

The Daemonion

The night ended, as ended a chapter in my life.
From that sunrise on a new light would shine for me.
Everything lived before i would have to carry with me, not as a burden, but as a reminder of where i came from, as an experience i would treasure.
*I have good and bad news* she whispered softly into my ear.
"Bad ones first at this time of the morning* i muttered, still half asleep.
*Escaping from here is far from easy*
"I could have expected as much"
*No, you cant imagine...*
"Try me"
*The food comes from a vent...*
"Nothing strange about it"
*But i cant really tell where it ends, its a labyrinth, as if they expected that you would try to flee*
"So? you could guide me..."
*I cant...*
"How come you cant? You are, please forgive my bluntness, a ghost, there is no wall that can block your way"
*But there are ways to prevent ghosts from entering certain places...*
"What do you mean?"
*Ghosts must have become something usual in these days. I havent had the luck to find them, this does not mean there arent more like me. In fact, the labyrinth is protected by a web of charms*
"You mean like those asian charms that prevent bad spirits from entering the houses and such?"
*Precisely...*
"So i would be on my own then?"
*I fear so...* she said as her gaze met the ground
*May I interrupt?*
"Now thats a surprise, you showing up"
*Yeah whatever, this aint no time to start with sarcasm. I got an idea*
"Lets hear it then"
*I can help you through the labyrinth*
"And how is it that you plan on doing so?"
*By scouting it beforehand and then showing you the way out, if there is a way out that is*
"I love how you always have to smash me when i am down"
*My pleasure, as usual*
*But... you cant go in there either*
*What makes you say that, lady?*
*Well... i mean, you are a ghost, too*
I turned my head to face him. I hadnt realized up until now that i hadnt seen him in all the time i had been locked up. As soon as the light lit i was busy writting and the rest of the time the room lay in darkness, so trying to see him would have been quite futile.
He was indeed quite translucent.
My eyes shot open and my mouth hung open.
*Surprised?* he asked, irony covering his words.
"..."
*Ill take that as a yes. Now to you, lady. I am no ghost whatsoever. I am a projection of your little friend here. Im his projected alter ego. Whenever he is happy, i am sad, whenever he is sad i am happy. We complement each other, we are the same but in two different forms*
*I didnt even know that this could be possible*
"You tell me... i have been living with him for the past months"
*Thats where you are wrong. Technically we have always been together, from the moment of your birth. Its just that one day i found a way to actually break free from my own imprisonment. What i didnt know at the time was that if would be a quite limited freedom. I cant be too far away from him and if he were to die,  would follow suit.*
*So you are some kind of... daemonion?*
*You could say that*
"And you are not a ghost?"
*As i said before, no. I am a physical projection of a spiritual part of your being.*
"The world is spinning too fast, i wanna get out"
*Too late Alice, now you have thrown yourself face-first into the rabbithole.*
*We should try to make a plan. Food is brought here at least 2 times a day usually, so you have just one chance, for the moment when you fail they probably wont let you try again.*
"Agreed"
*Agreed*
*Id say we do it when they bring breakfast*
"What do you have in mind?"
We sat in a triangle and discussed what would be the most important plan i would have to go through and perform in my life until that moment...

2024

A soft breeze waved over the sand, leaving faint trails, as if a
translucent snake had made its way through the land.
But there was nothing here that the snake could have wanted nor needed.
Waste, lonely sands of the time once upon called in terror, when war
had stricken the land and left it forever deserted.
How could he bare this vision?
She had seen it so many times that now it seemed pointless to feel
sad or to grief for the ones whose life was lost.
She had told him the truth...
Was it the right thing to do? she asked herself as she flew past this
horrid vision. He lived in peace in his own little world, enclosed by
four walls and totally obvlivious to what had happened outside.
And she had destroyed his world with only one number:

2024

The year they were living in.
Living didnt exactly apply to her, but she had gotten used to talking
like everyone else. The few people she had met up until now and
hadnt fled in terror upon seing her hadnt been bad people, but the
post-apocaliptic landscape changed its inhabitants.
The need to survive each and every day without knowing what the
future could summon this time was something not every mind was
neither ready nor willing to take for granted.
The world had turned cruel, it had turned wicked, and there was
nothing nor anyone that would protect newcomers from the horror.
Not only had the landscape changed the humans, but the animals
had suffered as well.
Many had died, others had survived and a little part had mutated to
better survive in the present conditions.
Rats grew to the size of dogs, which could prove useful for the
survivors: it provided food. Therefore rats were now treated as farm
animals.

She pondered wether she should help him escape his imprisonment
or if it would be for the best if he remained in his golden cage.
After all, he had everything he needed to survive:
A roof over his head, a luxury not entitled to many of the desert
inhabitants, food given to him every single day, the devil knew where
they got the fruits he was given, and he could even fulfill his creative
needs whenever he needed to do so.
Maybe she should just leave him be and never come back to him.
She didnt have the right to destroy everything around him, yet she
had already planted the seeds for his freedom.
He looked like the curious kind, and those didnt like leaving things
unknown. He would probably find a way out, wether it was with or
without her help.

She sighed and glanced at the sinking sun.
The dawn tinted the sky blood-red as the glistering sun made its way
into its nightly grave.
Meanwhile the silver lady was getting ready for her nightly stroll
through the sky.
She should get a move on too.
She turned around and made her way towards the golden cage,
unsure of what she would say or do, but with one thought in her
mind:
whatever happened, she would stick with him and help in every way
she could.It had been her who had shacken and crumbled his world and she
would take responsability for it.

Emotional Wasteland

I could get accustomed to being woken up by that dim glow.
"Wakey wakey, sleepyhead"
"Yeah yeah, give me a break" I murmured, still sleepy.
I got out of bed and sat in the middle of the room next to her.
"So, any news?"
"Not much really, the usual ghost stuff"
My stomach roared fiercely. I hadnt had anything to eat in a long time, so it wasnt surprising.
She gave me a confused look.
"I havent had anything solid to eat in some time, you see, have been sleeping all day long"
"Oh, i see..."
"Would it bother you if i had breakfast while being with you?"
"No, not at all, please, i am the intruder, you shouldnt worry about me"
"But i do,mind lending me a hand?"
"How?"
"Just follow me, with your glow it will be much easier to locate the tray with food"
"So, you are imprisoned here, yet they care for you and feed you?"
"Yeah, strange, isnt it?"
"I guess..."
We searched the room for the missing tray. It was in the far end corner of the room, fruits, bread and water in it.
I took a big bite off an apple.
"Hmm, juicy"
She looked down.
Maybe i shouldnt have made that comment, she couldnt enjoy the taste of the apple and i should have known better.
"Sorry"
"There is nothing to be sorry about"
We remained silent while i finished the apple with quick bites.
"Oh, by the way, may i ask you a favor?"
"Tell me"
"Could you tell me what is happening in the outside world?"
"uhhh... i dont know..."
"Why not? Please tell me, i have been locked in the dark for months now, I need to know what is going on outside. Besides, i dont know when they will release me, so it could eventually help me to know what is happening so it wont be that much of a shock once Im free"
"You may be right... how could i put this..."
"Is it really that bad?"
"Well, i dont know, how were things right before they locked you up in here?"
"Uh" i didnt really know. I hadnt cared about what happened in the outside world when i had the chance to care about it.
I searched in the back of my mind for bits of information related to the worlds situation back when i was free.
The situation wasnt too bad, sure the world economy was going through a rough phase, but everybody was confident that, with the proper economic policies, the situation would stabilize and everything would turn to normal in no time.
There were minor wars around the globe, nothing unusual, people who were hungry, people who were suffering.
I told her what little i could remember about how i viewed the world, she listened and then remained silent for a minuto or two.
"Lets say... the world has changed..." she began "quite much actually... what year do you think it is?"
That question caught me off guard.
"What do you mean?"
"Well..." she looked down as if searching for the proper words "time may have passed... it could well be that it isnt the year you think it to be"
I couldnt really say anything...
"As far as i can tell... its either 2012 or 2013... i dont really know how much i have been kept in here, so..."
She looked up, sadness reflected in her tearing eyes.
"What is it? What year is it? I need to know now!"
"Its... 2024 already..."
The look on my face must have been quite shocking at that time.
Emotions i thought long gone came back to me.
Longing for the few people i knew, for my family, for my friends. What had happened to them?
"It cant be..." was all i said.
"But it is..." she answered, pity in her voice.
I slumped on the floor and lay still.
She lay down next to me.
Despite her condition, it conforted me to know she was with me. She couldnt touch me, but i felt as if she held my hand.
I dont exactly know when i did, but i fell asleep.
She probably left some time later, still, the thought of her kept me sane, her company, whatever she could tell me.
*Are you going to make a habit out of it?*
"What?"
*Sleeping on the floor instead of in bed*
"Who knows... better to sleep on a floor than on a barren wasteland for instance?"