I put on a mask
I do not actively chose to, but I put it on
Nobody but one person has ever seen me for who I am
Lusting for what I can never have
One person alone knows it all
And that person is not here anymore
I put on a Mask
I do not want to be seen
Dont want to be noticed
Dont want to be forced into the light with all the burden that such an action would imply
I put on a mask
I take my pills
Is this even the real me?
Who or what is the real me?
Could they tell?
Could you tell?
Can I tell?
I put on a mask
and hope someday I will look back and think that all this ordeal was silly, my suffering was more imagined than real, my writings were a product of their time and will forever stay that way
I put on a mask
With the hope of one day being able to take it off and show my face to the world
But you taking the chance to actually take an active interest into what i do and, especially, what i listen to... that is just creepy at this point in time.
Its far too late...
Its uncalled for...
Its just too late...
You had years to take an interest in it, to share moments with me.
Instead you considered your duty accomplish by "being there"
you dont know better and i can not fault you for that
but i have grown, i have changed
i am not walking by your hand back from school
I am doing my own thing, making my own decisions, weird thing since you have always hovered over me in that regard since i was too unsure from the get go
And now, as i write these lines and chug on a bottle of ale, i ponder:
whose fault is it?
should I have stood up more for myself?
Should you have let me take my own decisions and make my own mistakes?
we will never know...
but stop trying to make up for the past
concentrate on yourself
all your life is most likely a farce from what i can gather
and my existence is the series of coincidences and consequences that I am not yet, 4 week after the fact, able to properly process...
a tear wants to escape my eyes, but it wont, i am not drunk enough, i am too proud
and i have been and still am too much of a coward towards you...
i was conceived in the worst possible scenario, and it shows...
you did your best, but your best in this case was far from good
just like when i said that i did my best in the exams and i failed
you have done the same
your best wasnt enough and i have to bear the burdent for the rest of my days...
I am just rambling at this point...
I take another shot
I have to make the most of this weird serotonin wave as long as it lasts....
I... i can not say i love you
Because I am quite sure I dont, i cant express such emotion towards you
I am grateful for all you did, I really am and i willingly admit it
but i dont love you
neither you nor him
I do not know what i feel toward you, but its definitely not love
and you confessing to not loving and caring for her because she separated me from you...
Its too much...
you are not good, you are evil in a weird, loving way
and i am not coming back, mark my words
I want as little as possible to have to do with you now that i know the truth, which came by accident after you said you didnt hide ANYTHING from me...
I am you
you are me
we are similar and yet so different
and i DO NOT love you
i am expected to
but i dont
and it saddens me for i would like to
but after all you have done and said
we are better off without each other
you try to figure out what you want, because, even at your age, you have no clue
the willing martyr
the saint that wants to save everyone
the naive girl that left the village looking for a world that doesnt exits
you need to grow up and so do i
but somehow i feel like i have less growing to do
i take another sip
you wont read this entry either, you just found out i even have a blog i write on
and i am okay with it
you would most likely break down, because deep down you know i am somehow right...
IF i was brave, i would ask you to leave me alone for some months
i would confront the reality of my existence
I was said i was going to pursue someone and i didnt, and thank fuck for that
so maybe doing the rational thing is the best course of action, again
I am just another soul in search of its way, like everyone else
Oh my child, what moves you to want to leave my side?
Have I not treated you as well as any mother could? Or as well as any mother should? Just to avoid what you may yet become
*Do you want a book?
Or maybe a pie?
Butterscotch or Snail
For the apple of my eye*
Please don't hurt me Mum, I swear I won't misbehave,
(What could you have seen? was it something unforseen, the future, a dream, entwining, I keep reminding myself that it was not my fault
Whats a dream or what's the truth here anyway?
Please don't hurt me Mum I swear I won't misbehave
The past, a mirage, it hurts, remembering, I have to fight for what's to come and what is good
What's the past or what's a lie here anyway?
Tell me child what you expect to find on the other side
Is it the truth or revenge that you may wish to gain?
That is only for me to decide
One last time allow me to intervene
One last time please let me to hold your hand
I take out the tin container, carefully open it, flick the paper protector, pull out one cigar, flick it back to its proper place, put the cigar in my mouth, close the tin container and place it back in my pocket.
I reposition the cigar in the right corner of my lips, take out the lighter and look for a place where the wind will not mercilessly put out the flame as soon as I light it up.
I take a corner and take cover, press the button: the flame comes to life and kisses the tip of my cigar, my hands protect the flickering light as it slowly engulfs the tobacco leaves and gifts them the fire of life.
The first breath in is always the best, no matter how much, hard or long i have tried to quit, I always come back to that first breath in. It calms my nerves, makes my head lighter, makes me aware of my surroundings.
And it reminds me of the sour taste of the reason why I started to smoke.
You decided to drink, paid for none of the drinks you had, I took the route that was safer for me since I knew what awaited me at the other end: my mother, the chainsmoker.
Was it a desirable goal?
But it was the safe bet in the turmoil that had become my life, I knew what it was, I knew where it would take me, I knew where I would end.
At first I thought I had it under control, I lighted the cigar and not the other way around. I was the one making the decision, wanting to experience that sweet first breath in.
254 cigarettes later I am not as sure.
I do take that first breath, I do somewhat enjoy it, I decide to smoke the rest because nothing else gives me the short lived entertainment that i crave at that point in time.
I fill the void I made with the smoke I inhale.
I burn my life away with every breath I take.
I destroy myself, and I enjoy it.
Or I used to enjoy it...
I wonder where I will be 300 cigarettes later, 500, 732...
Any arbitrary number will do, the question remains: where will I be? Where is the goal, what do I want? What... do I deserve?
I could not really explain what it was
your shy smile?
your radiant eyes?
your small frame?
The way you know what you want, or at least for that brief moment you did know...
It enthralled me...
It made me lose control
I had never experienced such a thing
I came out of a long relationship, and I was in need of something you could not provide
You were taken... In a weird way, but you were
But there is this burning sensation and magnetic attraction that I do not know how to deal with
You can not extinguish this passion I have the same way you burn out a cigarette when you throw it in a small puddle of water: it sizzles for a few seconds and then its light is extinguished...
I can not do that...
We shared a walk, we shared messages... It drew me in.
I am aware I started it and I was, once again, very aware what I was getting myself into....
Such a weird thing to say, would you not agree? "I would tap that..."
I did it for two reasons, as I told you: test the waters and try to get a reaction out of him
There was no reaction from his side, but you did react to it apparently
Did I raise the bar too high for my own good?
Maybe, maybe... That time it was my raw emotion and the alcohol and cigarettes talking more than my rational side
I casually talked to you that Wednesday, wanted to walk with you, get to know you a little better
You took, once again, the initiative and asked if you could swing over, I agreed, I just wanted something, I did not know what, I still do not, but I wanted it
You worked, I organized the mess that was my room, but we both still had scrambled minds... we should have made sure that our minds were tidy before we did what we did, but passion is not rational.
The moment passed, we showered together, shared laughs as we rinsed our bodies from what had happened. It was not bad, but it was not that great either, we both secretly knew it.
You spent the night, unexpectedly, even had a toothbrush with you, you swore it was not planed, just like all the evening we had spent together, but it was convenient, just like the evening, I guess.
We looked forward to the day proper, the day in which we had agreed to meet....
I prepared dinner, got some decent wine to lighten the night and our minds. We shared stories as we ate the meager dinner I had whipped up. I did not notice anything weird by the time, but I guess in hindsight some questions were weird.
I still remember how you looked at me as you rode me... that funny half smile half frown that you make... its funny and weird, but its... fitting, attractive.
The second night felt like two black holes colliding, each eager to devour the other, to make it part of itself.
You had left your bike out... that was a sign. Did I know what it meant?
Did I want to interpret it as such in the heat of the moment?
I can still smell the scent of sex and your taste in my lips from that night... It felt good.
I was not able to finish either night, maybe that bothered you, but since you had already made up your mind you did not consider it important to raise up...
You had told me you would not spend the night this time: last night you and me had barely gotten any sleep and we had to go to work on the next morning. It was the rational thing to do...
Should I have stopped you?
You left, the bitter taste of an unanswered question lingered in my mouth:
Will I see you anytime soon?
You just half-assedly smiled and rode your bike home.
It was not a ten speed, would have made for a funny story since that is the title of a song of my favorite band.
As I saw you ride away into the night, tears started swelling up in my face...
"Keep it together... keep it together till you are home and nobody can see or hear you weep" I told myself as i struggled to open the door, climb up the stairs and open the door to my flat.
Once I was in the safety of my home, I broke down.
A stream of insecurity and loneliness covered my cheeks
Bitter tears of unfulfillment were slowly covering my bathroom floor... I went to the door once more, vented my anger with one punch that barely scrapped my knuckle.... I was not even to properly express my frustration...
I crawled into bed.
No youtube till passing out tonight, just the blissful silence of the cold winter night entering my room through the small crack of hope that was my window. The sound of the quiet night soother me to sleep and I, at sometime, fell asleep thinking that I just wanted the pain to go away.
Automaton for Friday, that is what was in store. I be damned if anyone at work is going to see me weep. I had to run away some times to catch air, to not drown in my own emotions, frustration, despair, loneliness.
At the time I did not understand my feelings and emotions, it was a short lived thing, I knew it had no certain future, if any future at all...
But I later realized, 24 hours after I had talked to you, what was happening to me.
It came to me while I smoked a cigarette that Saturday night on my balcony after a long gaming session that should have eased my mind.
I want her
I want her
I want her damnit...
What was it again? 3,75% if I recall correctly
Those were the chances you and him had established for a person of finding their ideal partner.
Then why could I not be granted the chance to try my luck at it?
Winning the lottery was less likely, was it not? And you had said it yourself, well, he did... I deduced later that you were not as much into the whole open relationship thing as he was.
You were looking for freedom to engage in sexual activities, but were still afraid to fall for someone else... That much was clear to me after giving the whole situation some thought. You were probably feeling a similar attraction that I was, but you had a commitment and I was still mending myself after these past years.
I talked to S, he invited me over to talk, we shared parts of our past, shared some tears together just like that Saturday night that I met you and S and I stayed up late talking about what a relationship entails.
We had things in common... more things than I had ever had with M...
Am I a fool?
For sure... But that is not negative in my eyes, it drives me forward.
Suddenly you also arrived, I waved you hello as if nothing had happened, as if everything was fine.
Once S left, I waited for you.
I still do...
You came up the stairs, I asked if we could talk, you invited me to your room, I stayed next to the door, probably because I knew that I would be making use of it in the near future...
We talked, we opened up, I asked you to not bullshit me with an explanation that bordered you selling me the idea that you were doing me a favor by not pursuing this any further.
"If you think we did not click for you, just say it!" I demanded "Please do not assume what my thoughts and emotions are or try to dictate what they will be, please do not do that"
You looked down and realized that I was right.
"Ok... I did not enjoy Thursday as much as I thought I would"
Did hearing that hurt?
Like a bitch
Was it better than not knowing what the next steps were?
Even as I write this I do not know what goes on in your head... your smile frown that forms under your small nose and those glimmering eyes conveys nothing to me, I have to ask what is going on in your mind, if everything is alright. But you did not trust me to be strong enough to take the blow that Thursday night, little did you know at the time that not knowing had hurt e even more, but how could you?
You were thinking and feeling for both of us.
Destiny forbid I am right... but you are going to end up hurt with the way the things are... you and him are not on the same wavelenght... you have hitched that ride because it seemed convenient at the time taking into account your past experiences, but I doubt you follow the same easy going attitude towards the relationship he has... I hope I am wrong, I truly do.
But why am I addressing this to you?
What are the chances you will ever read this?
Close to 0, but there is, just like in my heart, the glimmer of hope that tells me that maybe you will read it, maybe I have a chance.
Am I a fool?
I left that night, feeling that you would cry after I did, I know I was going to break down as soon as I crossed the threshold. And I did.
I unlocked the bike, lit a cigarette and rode home, regret falling emanating from my eyes as I slowly made my way into the night.
In a movie you could have asked me to stay.
In a movie I would have asked you to stay.
This is not a movie, this is the theater of life and the curtain had fallen on that night, closing the act.
I thought I was not going to hear from you even as I longingly stared at your profile picture.
You did write, asked what my plans were, I did the same. I again considered it to be the last message.
It was not...
You keep writing to me, responding, being somewhat playful...
How am I to deal with it?
Am I to consume my soul in the pyre of passion?
Am I to fade in the sandstorm of sorrow that lashes at my heart?
Am I a fool?
Without a doubt.
What the future entails... nobody knows... we write our own scripts and I, for one, have decided how the next act is going to look.
Have you done the same?
Are you feeling something remotely similar?
Can I trust what you say, if I know you do not deem me strong enough to deal with reality?
Somehow... it is not important.
Having you present in my life means a lot to me, gives me purpose, gives me direction.
You will most likely never read this, or maybe you will...
Will I write you a letter just like we playfully said we would today? Will I dare?
"I will toss a coin and decide based on that."
Only a fool would do that.
I do not let fate decide for me, I take life by the horns and push with the force of an immovable object in the opposite direction.
You may be unavoidable, fate/destiny, but I will not give up without a fight.
S said: "You have two options: you either talk to her and risk rejection or you let it be and accept it"
Nobody but me decides my fate
I grab it with both hands, I pull it towards me and make it my bitch.
Tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every new sunrise, there is a new chance of improving, of learning, of growing, of overcoming... of living.
For that is live: getting rejected and not accepting it, fighting against it with all you have. Not in a brutish kind of way, but in the smart way.
Tomorrow is Sunday, and with the herald of light I will take my chances.
I kiss you goodnight on the forehead just like on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.
My chances are slim, but better than none, and I cling to that for dear life.
You swept me off my feet, and now it is my turn to do the same.
Get ready for the new act, hear the orchestra playing the first notes of the vals of life, in which we all spin around between the madness and sanity, not wanting to stop for fear of death but afraid to spin out of control.
The curtain opens
The lights shine on my face
"Here I come" I whisper as I take a step forward