Fear and Hope, two sides of a coin

 Im afraid

Afraid of having feelings I shouldn't have

I cant control them, but I can control the way I go on about them

And on the other hand there is hope

Bright like a candle in the dark, showing me the possibility of a future I had not been able to envision for the past 3 years

The anniversary is coming up and, for the first time in years, I feel like there is hope for me

I might be able to feel what I felt back then, to experience what I did back then

But not with her

I cant do it

I dont fear for my own sake, but for hers

And I dont know what her take is

But I cant act

And in this teenage like turmoil of emotions I am stuck

Wishing on one hand

Knowing the stakes in the other

realizing that there is no chance, that always in the back of my mind

And still... I smile genuinely again

I make silly jokes, she laughs

I... I feel again

I am anxious again

I wonder again

I fantasize again, despite those fantasies being reduced to ash as soon as reality kicks in and I hold my reins and settle down

But... I feel

Never would have I ever thought that I could go back to that state

And yet... here I am

Feeling what I shouldnt, hoping for what I shouldnt, wishing for what is forbidden

No matter what happens and how this ends (which will likely be in an aching heart but a clear conscience), I now know that I can feel again, that I am not broken, that there still is hope for me

I have not died emotionally, and that keeps me sane, keeps me hopeful, and yet so afraid