Fear and Hope, two sides of a coin

 Im afraid

Afraid of having feelings I shouldn't have

I cant control them, but I can control the way I go on about them

And on the other hand there is hope

Bright like a candle in the dark, showing me the possibility of a future I had not been able to envision for the past 3 years

The anniversary is coming up and, for the first time in years, I feel like there is hope for me

I might be able to feel what I felt back then, to experience what I did back then

But not with her

I cant do it

I dont fear for my own sake, but for hers

And I dont know what her take is

But I cant act

And in this teenage like turmoil of emotions I am stuck

Wishing on one hand

Knowing the stakes in the other

realizing that there is no chance, that always in the back of my mind

And still... I smile genuinely again

I make silly jokes, she laughs

I... I feel again

I am anxious again

I wonder again

I fantasize again, despite those fantasies being reduced to ash as soon as reality kicks in and I hold my reins and settle down

But... I feel

Never would have I ever thought that I could go back to that state

And yet... here I am

Feeling what I shouldnt, hoping for what I shouldnt, wishing for what is forbidden

No matter what happens and how this ends (which will likely be in an aching heart but a clear conscience), I now know that I can feel again, that I am not broken, that there still is hope for me

I have not died emotionally, and that keeps me sane, keeps me hopeful, and yet so afraid

The decision / Curtain call

Since the first moment I lay eyes on you, something stirred up inside me
I could not really explain what it was
your shy smile?
your radiant eyes?
your small frame?
The way you know what you want, or at least for that brief moment you did know...

It enthralled me...
It made me lose control

I had never experienced such a thing

I came out of a long relationship, and I was in need of something you could not provide

Why?

You were taken... In a weird way, but you were

But there is this burning sensation and magnetic attraction that I do not know how to deal with
You can not extinguish this passion I have the same way you burn out a cigarette when you throw it in a small puddle of water: it sizzles for a few seconds and then its light is extinguished...

I can not do that...

We shared a walk, we shared messages... It drew me in.

I am aware I started it and I was, once again, very aware what I was getting myself into....

Such a weird thing to say, would you not agree? "I would tap that..."
I did it for two reasons, as I told you: test the waters and try to get a reaction out of him

There was no reaction from his side, but you did react to it apparently

Did I raise the bar too high for my own good?

Maybe, maybe... That time it was my raw emotion and the alcohol and cigarettes talking more than my rational side

I casually talked to you that Wednesday, wanted to walk with you, get to know you a little better
You took, once again, the initiative and asked if you could swing over, I agreed, I just wanted something, I did not know what, I still do not, but I wanted it

You worked, I organized the mess that was my room, but we both still had scrambled minds... we should have made sure that our minds were tidy before we did what we did, but passion is not rational.

The moment passed, we showered together, shared laughs as we rinsed our bodies from what had happened. It was not bad, but it was not that great either, we both secretly knew it.

You spent the night, unexpectedly, even had a toothbrush with you, you swore it was not planed, just like all the evening we had spent together, but it was convenient, just like the evening, I guess.

We looked forward to the day proper, the day in which we had agreed to meet....

I prepared dinner, got some decent wine to lighten the night and our minds. We shared stories as we ate the meager dinner I had whipped up. I did not notice anything weird by the time, but I guess in hindsight some questions were weird.

I still remember how you looked at me as you rode me... that funny half smile half frown that you make... its funny and weird, but its... fitting, attractive.

The second night felt like two black holes colliding, each eager to devour the other, to make it part of itself.

You had left your bike out... that was a sign. Did I know what it meant?

Probably

Did I want to interpret it as such in the heat of the moment?

Definitely not

I can still smell the scent of sex and your taste in my lips from that night... It felt good.

I was not able to finish either night, maybe that bothered you, but since you had already made up your mind you did not consider it important to raise up...

You had told me you would not spend the night this time: last night you and me had barely gotten any sleep and we had to go to work on the next morning. It was the rational thing to do...

Should I have stopped you?

Maybe

You left, the bitter taste of an unanswered question lingered in my mouth:

Will I see you anytime soon?

You just half-assedly smiled and rode your bike home.

It was not a ten speed, would have made for a funny story since that is the title of a song of my favorite band.

As I saw you ride away into the night, tears started swelling up in my face...

"Keep it together... keep it together till you are home and nobody can see or hear you weep" I told myself as i struggled to open the door, climb up the stairs and open the door to my flat.

Once I was in the safety of my home, I broke down.

A stream of insecurity and loneliness covered my cheeks

Bitter tears of unfulfillment were slowly covering my bathroom floor... I went to the door once more, vented my anger with one punch that barely scrapped my knuckle.... I was not even to properly express my frustration...

I crawled into bed.

No youtube till passing out tonight, just the blissful silence of the cold winter night entering my room through the small crack of hope that was my window. The sound of the quiet night soother me to sleep and I, at sometime, fell asleep thinking that I just wanted the pain to go away.

Automaton for Friday, that is what was in store. I be damned if anyone at work is going to see me weep. I had to run away some times to catch air, to not drown in my own emotions, frustration, despair, loneliness.

At the time I did not understand my feelings and emotions, it was a short lived thing, I knew it had no certain future, if any future at all...

But I later realized, 24 hours after I had talked to you, what was happening to me.

It came to me while I smoked a cigarette that Saturday night on my balcony after a long gaming session that should have eased my mind.

I want her

I want her

I want her damnit...

What was it again? 3,75% if I recall correctly

Those were the chances you and him had established for a person of finding their ideal partner.

Then why could I not be granted the chance to try my luck at it?

Winning the lottery was less likely, was it not? And you had said it yourself, well, he did... I deduced later that you were not as much into the whole open relationship thing as he was.

You were looking for freedom to engage in sexual activities, but were still afraid to fall for someone else... That much was clear to me after giving the whole situation some thought. You were probably feeling a similar attraction that I was, but you had a commitment and I was still mending myself after these past  years.

I talked to S, he invited me over to talk, we shared parts of our past, shared some tears together just like that Saturday night that I met you and S and I stayed up late talking about what a relationship entails.

We had things in common... more things than I had ever had with M...

Am I a fool?

For sure... But that is not negative in my eyes, it drives me forward.

Suddenly you also arrived, I waved you hello as if nothing had happened, as if everything was fine.

Once S left, I waited for you.

I still do...

You came up the stairs, I asked if we could talk, you invited me to your room, I stayed next to the door, probably because I knew that I would be making use of it in the near future...

We talked, we opened up, I asked you to not bullshit me with an explanation that bordered you selling me the idea that you were doing me a favor by not pursuing this any further.

"If you think we did not click for you, just say it!" I demanded "Please do not assume what my thoughts and emotions are or try to dictate what they will be, please do not do that"

You looked down and realized that I was right.

"Ok... I did not enjoy Thursday as much as I thought I would"

Did hearing that hurt?

Like a bitch

Was it better than not knowing what the next steps were?

Definitely

Even as I write this I do not know what goes on in your head... your smile frown that forms under your small nose and those glimmering eyes conveys nothing to me, I have to ask what is going on in your mind, if everything is alright. But you did not trust me to be strong enough to take the blow that Thursday night, little did you know at the time that not knowing had hurt e even more, but how could you?

You were thinking and feeling for both of us.

Destiny forbid I am right... but you are going to end up hurt with the way the things are... you and him are not on the same wavelenght... you have hitched that ride because it seemed convenient at the time taking into account your past experiences, but I doubt you follow the same easy going attitude towards the relationship he has... I hope I am wrong, I truly do.

But why am I addressing this to you?

What are the chances you will ever read this?

Close to 0, but there is, just like in my heart, the glimmer of hope that tells me that maybe you will read it, maybe I have a chance.

Am I a fool?

For sure.

I left that night, feeling that you would cry after I did, I know I was going to break down as soon as I crossed the threshold. And I did.

I unlocked the bike, lit a cigarette and rode home, regret falling emanating from my eyes as I slowly made my way into the night.

In a movie you could have asked me to stay.

In a movie I would have asked you to stay.

This is not a movie, this is the theater of life and the curtain had fallen on that night, closing the act.

I thought I was not going to hear from you even as I longingly stared at your profile picture.

You did write, asked what my plans were, I did the same. I again considered it to be the last message.

It was not...

You keep writing to me, responding, being somewhat playful...

How am I to deal with it?

Am I to consume my soul in the pyre of passion?

Am I to fade in the sandstorm of sorrow that lashes at my heart?

Am I a fool?

Without a doubt.

What the future entails... nobody knows... we write our own scripts and I, for one, have decided how the next act is going to look.

Have you done the same?

Are you feeling something remotely similar?

Can I trust what you say, if I know you do not deem me strong enough to deal with reality?

Somehow... it is not important.

Having you present in my life means a lot to me, gives me purpose, gives me direction.

You will most likely never read this, or maybe you will...

Will I write you a letter just like we playfully said we would today? Will I dare?

"I will toss a coin and decide based on that."

Only a fool would do that.

I do not let fate decide for me, I take life by the horns and push with the force of an immovable object in the opposite direction.

You may be unavoidable, fate/destiny, but I will not give up without a fight.

S said: "You have two options: you either talk to her and risk rejection or you let it be and accept it"

NO

Nobody but me decides my fate

I grab it with both hands, I pull it towards me and make it my bitch.

Tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every new sunrise, there is a new chance of improving, of learning, of growing, of overcoming... of living.

For that is live: getting rejected and not accepting it, fighting against it with all you have. Not in a brutish kind of way, but in the smart way.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and with the herald of light I will take my chances.

I kiss you goodnight on the forehead just like on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.

My chances are slim, but better than none, and I cling to that for dear life.

You swept me off my feet, and now it is my turn to do the same.

Get ready for the new act, hear the orchestra playing the first notes of the vals of life, in which we all spin around between the madness and sanity, not wanting to stop for fear of death but afraid to spin out of control.

The curtain opens

The lights shine on my face

"Here I come" I whisper as I take a step forward

Only one

Only one can understand what it means to live, to struggle with those little problems that look like mountains when we have to face them and, when looking back, are nothing more than molehills.
Only one can understand what those little things mean to us, what they entize, how valuable they are.
And you sit in front of me, Queen of my dreams, giving me everything and nothing at the same time, caring yet neglecting me, boosting yet loathing me, kissing yet killing me.
Only we can understand what this means, what the one means, what we feel.
I remember your warmth every morning, I picture your smile and the sun rises up in the sky, I imagine your pain and darkness clouds my domain.
One so powerful, with such grace, giving away pleasure and pain.
To you I deem these lines, my only one.

She looks up from the torn piece of paper.
"Who is the recipient of this letter?"
*Nobody right now, but perhaps in the future there will be somebody to whom I will send it*
"But how can you speak about somebody you do yet not know?"
*Because I know myself and I know what my feelings will be, who she is matters not, who I am does*
"..."
*I wrote that on a gloomy day, dont mind it too much*
I hold my hand towards her and she places the torn piece of paper in it.
*Time to move, is it not?*
"Damn right it is, you lazy-ass"
*Good morning to you too, Daemon*
"Less chit-chat and more moving, I wanna see the sunlight"
I sigh deeply as I rearrange the contents of the folder for the last time.
*Done... I think*
"Lets do it then"
*Yeah, lets head out*

The businesscard

I have to admit that I sometimes struggled to restrain myself from splitting his head open with an axe.
His voice so irritating, his face so perfecttly inmaculate. I couldnt stand the sight of it.
One day... onde day...
One day I would make my wishes come true, see him sheding blood, his guts splattered on the floor, his eyes pleading, asking for forgiveness, for mercy, for a swift death.
But none of that would do, no mercy for the perfect, no acceptance for the weak, no tolerance for the hypocrites.
A perfect painting would I paint with his punny blood, pathetic fools work he would seem once his pure body lay sprain on the floor, his pulsing veins still fulfilling their unpaid duty, his heart pounding his life away, poor poor powerless being, left alone to die like a pooch on the street.
I ponder if he would look pretty on my pink wall if I were able to compose with his precious body a work of art.
Thoughts aside I cant help but feel belittled by his display of power, treating everybody else as no more but a slave, there are no coworkers, just slaves ranked higher in his personal power hierarchy.
The white of the paper is probably perfect, not a single stain.
The font carefully chosen.
The ink merged with the paper as if a wizards work had been involved, not a single speck of imperfection displayed.
And the texture of the paper... one could run his finger a thousand times and still get somewhat aroused by it.
And he would not say where he had gotten hold of such a masterpiece, that he would not tell to anyone as he said himself.
Oh, but he would...
He jocked about the value of it by proclaiming that even if his life were at stake, no one would find out where he gotten hold of it.
I would find out if what you say is true, I swore to myself I would.
Sooner or later, but i would...

The Legacy

On a tiny scrap of paper do I wish to writte what I leave in this world and once belonged to me.
To anyone who would read this:
To my youth I bequeath my early years, in which I enjoyed running through the fields and playing with all the woodland critters. There were no boundaries, no time limits, no responsabilities, just the fresh air and the joy you could muster up in any activity.
To the teenagers I bequeath the wisdom I didnt have at that time. Dont sweat the small stuff, dont listen to what others have to say, dont stay inside just because others dont like the way you are. Go out, meet people, enjoy, get drunk, get high, fall in love, get brokenhearted, start planning what you would like your future to be, do sports, make music, make a fool of yourself, get wiser, get stronger, question everything you have been told.
To the adults I bequeath what little time I have in this world. Dont work too hard, enjoy your free time, spend it the way you want, not the way others would want you to, go out, go wild. Love your friends and love your partner if you have one, spend time with them, think everything over, as nothing is as it may seem to be, dont judge others, dont let others judge you.
And last to the elderly I bequeath the energy they need to carry on, the company they long for in the long days they may spend alone in their homes, not wanting to be a burden to anyone but themselves.
The moments of joy in the park, the company of the birds on those sunny afternoons as they watch the rest of the world carry on without them.
And to them I also leave this note, so they may carry on what I started.

I know it may not seem much, but it is everything I have and surely do i hope it will help some of those who by any chance may stumble upon this, my last will and testament.

My time is up, I lived my life, I paid my dues, time after time I fell and then got up yet again with the same energy as all the times before.

And lastly I would like to leave a line to you, you know who you are. You accompanied me on this journey for quite some time, but sadly left before me on a warm spring morning, your kiss the only goodbye I ever got treasured as my most priced possesion.
Soon i hope to rejoin with you, all I ask of you is that you scold me for being late and then hold me tightly in your arms, so we may never again part ways.

To you, the reader of this, my last will, I give my gratitude for spending a moment of your busy life for the sake of reading such a meaningless scrap of paper you probably found by coincidece.
May the years be gentle with you...

The House and the Lake (Prelude)

"If there was anything i could do..."
"There is nothing you could do..."
"Maybe not now, but, who knows, maybe in the future..."

We had a fight like this once in a while.
It was just too hard for us both to accept that she wouldnt be around in a
short amount of time.
We were aware of the fact that everybody dies, nobody is free from their duty
towards the grave. But her case was different.
If someone died in their sleep from a heart attack, it was a shock for
everybody, but it couldnt be helped.
But if someone was slowly being eaten away by a sickness with no possible
cure, then the situation changed.
We tried our best to live every single day as if it would be her last and as if
she would live forever, but sometimes we got blown away by reality,
impossing itself on us, forcing us to look to its way. There wasnt too much
time left.
She didnt play the violin anymore.

"Why waste time on that?"
"Because art has never and will never be a waste of time"

Sometimes i convinced her with that simple statement. She would get up
from the bed and get the old, yet beautiful and heavenly sounding Stradivarius
violin out of its case. She would play enthralling music, making me loose
myself in its wake, completely possesed by the magic of each note.
Slowly dripping on me, the melody made its way from the violin to infinity.
That sound would always be there, no matter if she would not play anymore,
no matter if she were to fade away. The memory remained and thus she
would live on with me, no matter what, no matter when.
While i listened to her i gazed at the old willow that poured its branches into
the lake.
A lake full of life.
And our house would remain as full of life as the lake as far as we would
make it toghether.
And time played no role no more.
We had to life each day through. Nothing mattered more than her, her well
being, her everything...

Unbroken silence would hang in the air after she finished playing.
She would then put the violin back in its case, sadness stricken picture
painted on her face, a lonely tear rolling down her cheek.
It had become a habit for me to collect that tear and put it in a jar with the
rest of her sisters, so they would stay toghether and keep company.
I would do the same for her as long as i could.
Laying on the bed, her breath steady for maybe not too long, her head on my
chest. I would stare at the ceiling watching time pass by, not giving us a
spare minute to enjoy toghether...

2024

A soft breeze waved over the sand, leaving faint trails, as if a
translucent snake had made its way through the land.
But there was nothing here that the snake could have wanted nor needed.
Waste, lonely sands of the time once upon called in terror, when war
had stricken the land and left it forever deserted.
How could he bare this vision?
She had seen it so many times that now it seemed pointless to feel
sad or to grief for the ones whose life was lost.
She had told him the truth...
Was it the right thing to do? she asked herself as she flew past this
horrid vision. He lived in peace in his own little world, enclosed by
four walls and totally obvlivious to what had happened outside.
And she had destroyed his world with only one number:

2024

The year they were living in.
Living didnt exactly apply to her, but she had gotten used to talking
like everyone else. The few people she had met up until now and
hadnt fled in terror upon seing her hadnt been bad people, but the
post-apocaliptic landscape changed its inhabitants.
The need to survive each and every day without knowing what the
future could summon this time was something not every mind was
neither ready nor willing to take for granted.
The world had turned cruel, it had turned wicked, and there was
nothing nor anyone that would protect newcomers from the horror.
Not only had the landscape changed the humans, but the animals
had suffered as well.
Many had died, others had survived and a little part had mutated to
better survive in the present conditions.
Rats grew to the size of dogs, which could prove useful for the
survivors: it provided food. Therefore rats were now treated as farm
animals.

She pondered wether she should help him escape his imprisonment
or if it would be for the best if he remained in his golden cage.
After all, he had everything he needed to survive:
A roof over his head, a luxury not entitled to many of the desert
inhabitants, food given to him every single day, the devil knew where
they got the fruits he was given, and he could even fulfill his creative
needs whenever he needed to do so.
Maybe she should just leave him be and never come back to him.
She didnt have the right to destroy everything around him, yet she
had already planted the seeds for his freedom.
He looked like the curious kind, and those didnt like leaving things
unknown. He would probably find a way out, wether it was with or
without her help.

She sighed and glanced at the sinking sun.
The dawn tinted the sky blood-red as the glistering sun made its way
into its nightly grave.
Meanwhile the silver lady was getting ready for her nightly stroll
through the sky.
She should get a move on too.
She turned around and made her way towards the golden cage,
unsure of what she would say or do, but with one thought in her
mind:
whatever happened, she would stick with him and help in every way
she could.It had been her who had shacken and crumbled his world and she
would take responsability for it.

Emotional Wasteland

I could get accustomed to being woken up by that dim glow.
"Wakey wakey, sleepyhead"
"Yeah yeah, give me a break" I murmured, still sleepy.
I got out of bed and sat in the middle of the room next to her.
"So, any news?"
"Not much really, the usual ghost stuff"
My stomach roared fiercely. I hadnt had anything to eat in a long time, so it wasnt surprising.
She gave me a confused look.
"I havent had anything solid to eat in some time, you see, have been sleeping all day long"
"Oh, i see..."
"Would it bother you if i had breakfast while being with you?"
"No, not at all, please, i am the intruder, you shouldnt worry about me"
"But i do,mind lending me a hand?"
"How?"
"Just follow me, with your glow it will be much easier to locate the tray with food"
"So, you are imprisoned here, yet they care for you and feed you?"
"Yeah, strange, isnt it?"
"I guess..."
We searched the room for the missing tray. It was in the far end corner of the room, fruits, bread and water in it.
I took a big bite off an apple.
"Hmm, juicy"
She looked down.
Maybe i shouldnt have made that comment, she couldnt enjoy the taste of the apple and i should have known better.
"Sorry"
"There is nothing to be sorry about"
We remained silent while i finished the apple with quick bites.
"Oh, by the way, may i ask you a favor?"
"Tell me"
"Could you tell me what is happening in the outside world?"
"uhhh... i dont know..."
"Why not? Please tell me, i have been locked in the dark for months now, I need to know what is going on outside. Besides, i dont know when they will release me, so it could eventually help me to know what is happening so it wont be that much of a shock once Im free"
"You may be right... how could i put this..."
"Is it really that bad?"
"Well, i dont know, how were things right before they locked you up in here?"
"Uh" i didnt really know. I hadnt cared about what happened in the outside world when i had the chance to care about it.
I searched in the back of my mind for bits of information related to the worlds situation back when i was free.
The situation wasnt too bad, sure the world economy was going through a rough phase, but everybody was confident that, with the proper economic policies, the situation would stabilize and everything would turn to normal in no time.
There were minor wars around the globe, nothing unusual, people who were hungry, people who were suffering.
I told her what little i could remember about how i viewed the world, she listened and then remained silent for a minuto or two.
"Lets say... the world has changed..." she began "quite much actually... what year do you think it is?"
That question caught me off guard.
"What do you mean?"
"Well..." she looked down as if searching for the proper words "time may have passed... it could well be that it isnt the year you think it to be"
I couldnt really say anything...
"As far as i can tell... its either 2012 or 2013... i dont really know how much i have been kept in here, so..."
She looked up, sadness reflected in her tearing eyes.
"What is it? What year is it? I need to know now!"
"Its... 2024 already..."
The look on my face must have been quite shocking at that time.
Emotions i thought long gone came back to me.
Longing for the few people i knew, for my family, for my friends. What had happened to them?
"It cant be..." was all i said.
"But it is..." she answered, pity in her voice.
I slumped on the floor and lay still.
She lay down next to me.
Despite her condition, it conforted me to know she was with me. She couldnt touch me, but i felt as if she held my hand.
I dont exactly know when i did, but i fell asleep.
She probably left some time later, still, the thought of her kept me sane, her company, whatever she could tell me.
*Are you going to make a habit out of it?*
"What?"
*Sleeping on the floor instead of in bed*
"Who knows... better to sleep on a floor than on a barren wasteland for instance?"

Naughty kids get no breakfast

*Good morning*
"Morning"
*Again sleeping someplace else? Do you dislike my company that much?*
"Actually, i havent slept at all"
*Writting again?*
"With what light, smartass, as you may have noticed, it never lights up during nighttime"
*Guess you are right, then what did keep you away from me?*
"Her, she came back?"
*Her? Who?*
"The ghost..."
*The ghost... its a she?*
"Yeah"
*Right...*
"You still dont believe me, do you?"
*Not really, i still think you have gone completely nuts*
"She read some of my writings"
*What did she think of them?*
"She liked many and disliked some"
*Figures*
"And then she told me about the afterlife, i might write down all that she told me"
*Interesting?*
"You cant imagine how fascinating i found everything she told me"
*uhu*
"Oh well, enough chit-chat, lets have breakfast"
*Ok*
As usual, we both searched the room for the breakfast tray, but this time we wouldnt find anything.
"Anything?"
*Nope, what about you?*
"Same, strange, its usually here when we wake up"
*Maybe they didnt leave anything because someone decided to stay awake instead of going to sleep*
"Whatever, i think im gonna get some sleep, barely slept 2 hours before she came"
*As you see fit*
I found my way to the bed and slipped inside.
Sleep caught me almost as soon as i was completely covered with the blanket. It was very cozy and confortable. My eyelids shut.

Reading the life

Once again i was woken up by a dim light in the center of the room.
"She came back after all" i thought to myself, smiling.
I couldnt show my happiness to her however.
The way she left the first time, i just didnt want her to flee as soon as she saw me.
It took me quite some time to adjust my eyes to the gloom, but what i saw when it happened was totally worth it:
She was reading one of my writtings. She seemed inmersed in the pages, but i wouldnt sneak up on her just like the last time.
I coudnt take that chance. Id wait till she finished reading whatever she was reading and would then get her attention somehow.
I waited for what to me seemed like an eternity.
She looked up and then turned her gaze at me.
I closed my eyes and pretended i was asleep.
The light grew brighter through my closed eyelids.
Was she getting closer to me? No, that was absurd, it couldnt be. She fled from me the other day, now she couldnt be approaching me, it made no sense.
"Open your eyes" she said softly.
I did as i was asked to.
"Oh, am i dead?" i asked, acting as if until then i had been sleeping.
"No, why would you be?"
"Because i have been awoken by an angel"
She backed off and looked away.
The color of the light emaning from her head turned from white to pink.
Was she blushing perhaps?
I didnt even know if ghosts could blush.
"Hey, you alright?" i asked.
"Yes... everything is fine, its just... it caught me off guard..." she answered "I took the liberty to take a look at your writtings, i hope you dont mind..."
"Not at all, glad somebody else can see them besides myself" i gave her a smile, trying to comfort her.
She smiled back.
"So... did you like what you read?"
"I did enjoy reading some of them, others were either too sad or too depressing for me to take right now"
"Yeah, life is bittersweet and so are my writtings"
"Afterlife isnt much better either"
"Tell me about it"
"About what?"
"About the afterlife, or even better, forget the afterlife, tell me about your life, who you were, what you did, i would love to know more"
"I am not sure i am ready to talk about my life just yet... but i can tell you about the afterlife, that would be no problem, i have gotten accustomed to it.
"That will have to do i guess... then please, tell me every single thing..."

The night flew by quite quickly.
Us both inmersed in our little conversation about the afterlife, me asking questions, her being patient and answering them

"Daylight is almost here" she said looking up to the ceiling "I have to go"
"And why is that, how do you even know its daytime yet?"
"I just... know, dont really have an explanation for this.
I will be back, fear not."
"Then i will wait for you"
She ascended like smoke: slowly, majestic.
And went through the ceiling, just like the first time.

I didnt know at that point, but she would be like a little wild pet cat, coming and going whenever she pleased, sometimes because she felt lonely, others for me to tend to her wounds and other because she wanted company.
Either one of these reasons made her come to my dark room, light it up a bit, and for me that was what mattered.
I liked her company... and i probably liked her.

Aftermath

I dont know when i had given in to sleep the night before, but it was unimportant.
I had been too hasty and she had left, that was all that mattered to me at that point in time.
*Had a good nights sleep?*
"I guess..."
*You guess? By the way, why didnt you sleep in the bed?*
"True, you didnt notice..."
*What is it i didnt notice?*
"We had a visitor"
*What do you mean, a visitor? We are in a sealed room, where nothing enters or exits except stacks of white paper, pens and pencils and food and sometimes even fresh blankets and clothing. There is no way we had someone come in here just like that*
"Wait till i explain and then it may not sound that crazy... or maybe it will sound even crazier now that i think about it..."
*Well?*
"It was a ghost...."
*A ghost?*
"A ghost"
*A ghost*
"Yeah, thats what i said!"
*Ok, you have gone mad, perfect*
"I havent gone mad, not yet at least, thanks for your support and understanding"
*Okay man, let me get this straight:
We have been imprisioned here for quite some time now. Noone has ever visited you in all this time, there are no doors in this room and only one source of light, which aint working at the moment anyway and only lights up when it feels like it and you have been spending way too much time feverishly writting whenever you have had the chance. It isnt absurd to think that you have lost your mind, is it?*
I gave him a cold look, which of course he couldnt see since the darkness engulfed everything in the room.
"I am not crazy" i said with determined voice "And i saw a ghost last night that came through the ceiling apparently, at least thats the way it took to leave, and started crying its heart out for reasons unknown to me."
Yes, i lied, but its not as if he would have believed me anyway.
*Ok man, whatever works for you...*
"You dont believe me, do you?"
*Nope, sorry*
"Nevermind then..."

The ghost...

A ghost visited me tonight.
I dont know how it got into the room or how it escaped afterwards, but not that those things matter.
I was sleeping soundly, not aware of my surroundings. I heard someone sobbing, so i slowly woke up. I felt the dim light in the center of the room even before i opened my eyes.
"Strange" i thought to myself "the bulb had never been lit while i was sleeping as far as i could tell"
I opened my eyes and there it was:
A ghost as white as a snowflake was floating in the middle of the room, crying its heart out.
I didnt know what to do at first, never having encountered such a being before, but i gathered all the courage i could muster and slowly slipped out of the bed, trying not to awake my companion. I slowly approached the ghost.
As i came nearer, i noticed it was a woman.
"lets hope its not a banshee" i thought to myself.
Whenever i remember this, i think of how foolish that thought was at that moment. Had it been a banshee, it would have left me deaf the moment it entered the room with its howling.
When i was right behind it, her, i didnt know how to address her at that time, i cleared my throat in order for her to notice my presence, in case she hadnt before.
She slowly turned to me, fear, anguish and terrible sadness in her eyes.
I was petrified. Never had i seen such a sad expression. She began to ascend in slow circular movements.
"wait, please dont go..." i told her, a crack of fear in my voice "i am lonely myself, i could use some company, so please, dont leave"
She looked down at me, confusion painted in her face along those sadness stricken eyes.
Time stood still while we looked each other in the eyes. She was probably pondering whether she should or shouldnt stay, i was hoping that she wouldnt choose to do the latter.
The confusion slowly faded from her face as did a little of the sadness and she descended back to my chamber floor.
"Arent you afraid of me?" she asked in a sweet voice, distorted by the tears and the fear of rejection.
"Why would i be afraid of you?" i asked back
"I am a ghost, an unholy being, untouchable, incorruptable, damned to walk the earth in this state,  crying..." her voice trailed off.
"I see neither unholyness nor damnation in you. I see..." i had to stop.
What was i going to say, that i found her beautiful? That i hadnt seen such precious eyes in a long time? That i had the irresistible feeling that i wanted to hug her, confort her?
I couldnt just tell her that, could i?
She would probably just vanish into thin air and i would be left alone again in my silvery cage.
"I see a spirit in distress" the words that left my mouth.
"That is mostly correct i am afraid to concede" she admitted and looked at the floor.
"May i ask what is the source of your sorrow?"
"You  may, and i may even answer..."
"Then, what is it that causes you this much pain?"
She looked up at me, right in the eyes. A solitary tear escaped her right eye. She put both of her hands on her chest and looked back down again.
"Oh... i see" was the only thing i could bring myself to say at that point.
"It wasnt too long ago either" she murmured.
"Heartaches dont go away that fast i guess... it takes time to close up some wounds. Especially if its pain stricken hearts..."
"It hurts so much..."
I got closer to her and tried to hug her, but it was futile.
My arms went right through her.
She noticed what i had wanted to do and backed off a little, terror painted in her eyes.
"I didnt mean to, i mean, i wanted to, but i didnt remember, i..."
"Sorry" was all she said before she started to vanish.
"NO" i almost shouted "please, let me explain, dont leave" hopelessness pouring out of my mouth "please promise you will come back another time"
"Maybe..." she murmured before the went through the ceiling into the outer world.
And so i was yet again left alone in my dark room.

After the Storm

The nightmares subsided, my world turned back to normal.
 Four walls, a floor and a ceiling with a lightbulb hanging from it, all covered in darkness.
 Never had this blackness felt this good.
*You alright?*
"Yeah, i guess... I..."
*You?*
 "Im back... stronger than before"
 *You know what they say, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger*
 "Guess its true, i feel as if i have been reborn. Some things make more sense now, others just make sense despite being absurd before. I can see..."
*In this darkness?*
"Its a figure of speech..."
*I know, im just teasing*
"Ok then, i think i might take a nap unless the bulb lights up soon"
*Sounds good to me, but there is plenty of food over there*
"Over where? Nevermind"
I searched the room for the food i was told there was. After some time i found the tray. It tasted great, i didnt actually remember wether it was better or worse than the one i had been given before, it didnt matter anymore. I had gone through a hell-like experience, i suffered, i cried, but now the blindfold had fallen.
The bulb lit up.
My eyes scanned the room in search for the papers and the pen. I felt like i had to writte down what i went through, i had to create something out of nothing.
Just like i had given life to my nightmares, now i wanted to shape my dreams and desires.

 IMPRESSIONS Impressions
Rainbow
that lies beneath a city made of gold
please let me inside
uncover your beauty
let me see your soul
your façade cant disguise the beauty inside that lies
to others maybe, but you cant decieve me
everything turns to water and flows
into the well


new hope arises from it
everything reborn anew
a new chance to make things right
althought it might have seemed it was well
deep inside there were troubles inside your head


let your soul fly into heavens
seek salvation from this world
leave this corrupted place


search for salvation
seek restoration

 
(PS: The song Impressions belongs to Ariadna Martin)

The cactus and other horrors

I just dont feel up to the task of living through this day.
That was the first thought that crossed my mind that day. A long, restless night had left me devastated.
The message in the middle of the night, telling both good and bad news.
My feelings right now?
I cant describe...
Just a pain somewhere deep inside me i cant neither locate nor compare to anything felt before.
Id like to say so much, yet i feel like i should remain silent for the sake of... for the sake of I dont know...
The best way to describe how i feel right now is to make a comparison with the story of the boy and the cactus. I feel like the boy, hugging tight to the cactus, hurting himself, slowly bleeding away while the cactus shares my pain and silently begs me to stop hugging him for my sake.
But i cant stop...
I keep on hugging and the cactus, despite trying to show afection and sometime getting the message across, remains silent for now.
Tears roll down my face, burn my cheecks.
I take the cup and willingly take a sip, i did it quite some time ago, knowing that it could contain either the sweetest liquor or the most bitter poison i had ever tasted.
Right now it tastes bitter like death.
It tasted somewhat sweet at first. Over time, its taste changed and varied from sweet to bitter sometimes in just a few seconds, still i drank.
Over time it has gotten somewhat sour, but the possibility of it getting sweet again made me keep drinking.
I could experience the joy of its sweetness some nights, just to be confronted with its bitternes at breakfast.
Why did i take this cup? What did i see in it?
For some, it may not be the best, it may not be richly decorated, but posseses a power that no other cup could ever wish to have.
If you got lucky, this cup would turn any drink into the best ever tasted, all the bitter sips that may be poured inside would turn into liquid gold.
A kind of philosophers cup that would make life so sweet. Yet if unlucky, you may stumble upon this cup without the necessary knowledge and taste the worst drink ever brewed.


The light hadnt turned on for the past few days.
I had to writte in the dark, not knowing how the outcome would look like and even if it would be legible.
Still i wrote frantically, like some kind of possesed maniac with an unknown purpose.
I wrote both during day and night, for in the dead of night only awaited loneliness and nightmares.
But not the usual nightmares, no. My fate was far worse than mere nightmares. They were memories brought back by my unconscious, deformed, distorted and horribly real.
I felt as if i had been there, experiencing all the pain and all the suffering i had done in the past, but multiplied by the distortion.
People i knew, people i loved all faded into darkness and came back as horrible shadows of their former selves, bringing torment unknown to any mortal man .
After the third day of getting no rest, the nightmares came true in form of hallucinations.
He tried to reassure and confort me with smooth words and hard facts:
"They are not real, snap out of it, you and i both kow they wouldnt do this to you, they werent like that, you do remember them, dont you? All the good times spent with them, all the memories, you have to try to remember the true events instead of the distortion"
All that didnt help, despite my efforts, i couldnt remember almost anything, thus rendering the hallucinations more real.

Im writting this on a scrap of paper, cornered, battered, beaten and destroyed.
I dont know if i will be able to survive through this day... Im trying, hell knows i am, but i dont seem to see nor a lantern nor a light at the end of my particular tunel.

Unusual lighting

The first time the bulb was lit i had had the inspiration to writte something down, but it wasnt like that always.
Many days the bulb lit up and i sat there, in the middle of the room, staring at the stack of white papers.
"Nothing?"
*Nothing* i answer.
*I just have nothing right now...*
"Well, dont worry too much about it. Im sure youy will get something in time"
*I sure hope so, i just cant stand the thought of being unable to writte anything down... I am afraid of everything bottling up inside me and then sudenly exploding unexpectedly*
"As i said, dont fret about it or it will get worse"
I look down at the papers. They whisper my name, they ask to be used, they want something to be written on them, but i cant feed them anything today.
My mind is as blank as them, my mind craving for ideas.
I sit up and walk towards a corner and sit down there.
"What are you doing?"
*Trying to relax, empty my mind...*
"If you say so..."
*Just give me 5 minutes, please*
I stayed in the dark corner till the bulb died out...
I cried for some time, the frustration of the unfullfilled tale in my head corroding me slowly.
I wept for quite some time, but he didnt aproach me nor tried to cheer me up, he understood what was happening to me and decided that it was better to leave me be for the time being.

I looked forward and i saw nothing. The future seemed as black as the room.
A note hit me... then a chord.... then the whole song flowed in my mind.
I stood up, i had to writte something, but i had no light.
I touched with my hands the gound in front of me and advanced until i felt the papers under my palm.
I tried to search for the pen, but i just couldnt find it.
I had to find the pen, i just had to, else it would be my doom.
Light filled the room, the bulb had lit up once again.
Although this was a strange event, i paid no attention to it, i needed to writte...

The Awakening

I woke up surrounded by darkness. I could see nothing at all.
I could hear the sound of drops of water when falling on a pond.
*Where am I?*
It could have been a dungeon or something like that, but i didnt have shakles of any sort on any part of my body.
Sewers perhaps?
Couldnt be. It didnt smell bad or foul.
*Where am i then?*
Many thoughts crossed my mind and even more questions arose from the depths.
*How did i get here in the first place? I really cant recall anything besides waking up here...*
*I better move*
I had to find out what my surroundings looked like. I crawled in one direction, using my hands as antennae.
I had to come to a sudden stop.
*Nothing... there is nothing here*
*How is it possible?*
I tried to remain calm and tried my luck in another direction, just for the same outcome.
I tried other directions, but it was always the same. After some meters, there was absolutely nothing. I had had some hope when crawling in the last direction that remained unchecked, maybe that one would be different from the rest.
But the cold reality hit my face like a wet towel.
There was nothing there, i was sitting in the middle of an island, stranded.
The sound of the water was slowly driving me insane.
*Could there be a pond beneath this island?*
Its seemed like a crazy idea, but the whole situation was, so maybe it could even make sense.
The trickling sound bore into the back of my head, my mind telling me to make a leap of faith and jump.
*Its not like i will be able to survive much time on this island anyway. There are only two posibilities: either i die when hitting the ground or there is a pond and i can look for an exit...*
I stood on my two feet.
I had to make a decision now.
The sound of the drops inviting me to jump, my survival instincts telling me to remain on the island and wait for something to happen.
One step forward...
Forward to an unknown future.
Forward to what could be a certain death.
Forward to discovering a truth that could either hurt or be most precious to me.
Another step, and another and another...
That was it, half of my foot was now over the abyss.
I...
I have to do something.
I am standing on the verge of what could be death.
My foot slips, i fall...
The wind blows through my hair, it feels good.
The last drop hits the surface.