Hell

 Hell

An abstract concept for most

A Promise of pain for some

The daily life for many

I take the subway

get off my station

walk 100 meters to my building

climb up the stairs

open the door

get up the stairs, second floor

open the door

And hell awaits me

The final hallway to my apartment

Many times I have walked it

one way or the other

when I leave its no issue

when I stand at the entrance to get to what I call home

its Hell

Many a times have I stood there, wondering what time it is

not in the literal sense

I wear a watch and have my cell with me at all times

but what time in my life is it?

Is it back then when I was coming back from a weekend with her and this hallway meant the return to the daily life

Is it back from another day of work?

A day of studying?

A day of breaking up?

Am I alone, am I in company?

Do I like the company thats with me or does it just soothe my loneliness for the time being?

I wonder most of the times

and I never find the answer

I fear that, deep down, I wish I could turn back time to when I was genuinely happy

Before I had torn everything down

Before I had left

Before I took that ride back from her place and found myself alone and lonely in that corridor

Hell is having to face your failures every day while knowing there is nothing you can do about it

That train left almost 3 years ago and its not stopping at your station again, its headed straight, and you are waiting at the stop, hoping, with all your might, that it might somehow return and take you with it.

But it most likely wont

And you have to walk that corridor

every

single

damn

day

and be reminded of how you fucked up so badly that its still haunting you years after it happened, relationships after it happened, jobs after it happened, friendships after it happened...

Will moving absolve me from Hell?

Moving on, or moving to a new place

Movement is required, and yet I am stuck in this facet of my life

I can not really look forward, I have been blinded by my own ineptitude, my own selfishness, my own ego... my emotional side, too wild and untamed

I hate this corridor and yet, as a martyr in chains I walk it 

every 

single

damn

day

And am reminded that I am not what I could have been

Turning Point

 Did it all go wrong?

I do have the feeling, but I am not sure, its one of those things one cant ascertain, its more of a feeling, and an uncertain one at that

Did I make a grave mistake, perhaps even the worst mistake of my life?

Have I thusly forfeited any chance at happiness?

I can not tell for certain, but I have experienced things and seen things I wish upon nobody

The despair

The lonely nights

The depression

The tears shed in public transportation, the looks of empathy, the sharing of tissues, the start of nocive behaviors

The rash decisions that end up in even deeper cuts and greater hurt

Going out with your new special someone and, when they are not in field of sign at the mall you are visiting, daydreaming/fantasizing/hallucinating that she comes around the corner, that everything that happened was a terrible, terrible nightmare that you had

But, as much a nightmare as it is, I do not wake up

She doesnt appear from the corner of the store in the mall

The new special someone does, and my heart collapses

That relationship doesnt last

Will this one?

No it wont, its already over, you know it, but they dont, and how to tell them?

They are so invested, so happy, it does them well to have you around them, but is it helping you, is it doing you any good?

Do you have the courage to tell them that it does not really work for you anymore?

You will eventually have to tell them...

But then what will happen to you?

Again alone?

Again miserable?

Indulging, sometimes, in the same nocive behavior? Making rash decisions?

Drowning the loneliness in stupid hookups with strangers to not feel empty for those few hours, just to feel worse later on?

Or might you rise this time?

Its been 3 years already

And yet you cant really say that you are completely over her

You daydream of talking to her, asking for a second chance

But you blew it, and you know it

YOU were the one that made the decision for you both, and its your burden to carry

Do I deserve happiness?

Do I deserve to fulfill the plan that is slowly coming together?

Or am I condemned to be a martyr for someone else, to be good for others while being miserable inside?

I wonder

Do I have the right, after having made such a grave mistake, to find someone that might fit me as well as she did? Do I even have a chance, statistically speaking?

Or are those years gone and I am condemned to live with my immaturity, my cowardice, my lack of self reflection?

But I am getting better, am I not?

Will that be enough?

Is it enough right now, or do I have to keep working on myself to have a shot at that which I desire?

Is me writing this down going to make a difference?

Is there another turning point in the horizon, as I approach my 30th birthday?

Anatomy of a Vampire

"It is long past midnight as my eyes shut open and dart across the darkness.

Not a soul in sight, no breeze, no light, but the hunger...

Cramps, a deep longing for blood, churning inside a tide of appetite that washes over me and get me in motion.

I step outside the casket, outside the cellar, into the brightly lit city night.

The city is alive now even at night, a different hunt, a different challenge, but plenty more cattle to choose from, and many more perils to avoid.

Of the city lights that bathe the night sky, I have grown to love the neon ones, not as bright as the rest, and always a good shepherd to me, telling me where the poor little lambs are."

 

Thats how I would have envisioned it to be, fantastic, mystical, whimsical even. 

But that would be a lie, and it would not reflect the true nature of the beast in the way I experienced it.

It was much more simple, much more human.

An evening filled with laughter, games, a shared meal, shared thoughts, shared secrets...

Culminating with the realization that the storm that had been brewing had finally broken out and she wished to stay the night, which made sense, since leaving would be dangerous.

She was already wearing my clothes, and she looked quite charming with them, at least 4 sizes too big, baggy pants, strong legs...

What am I thinking?

We get ready to sleep

I could have inflated the other bed, could have told her to sleep there, she even offered to sleep on the floor, but I insisted on her sleeping in the bed next to me.

Its big enough, after all?

What am I doing?

Each assumes their position and we go to sleep.

We wake up the next morning, make some small talk about "sleeping together" and have some small bite for breakfast.

But thats not how it went.

I wake up in the middle of the night, great cramps tensing every muscle of my midsection. Not the only thing tense, mind you.

Its not an ache, or at least, not exactly an ache.

Its a hunger... a deep, unintelligible hunger that is contorting my abdominal area and making we wonder what is wrong with me.

My eyes have perfectly adjusted to the darkness, as they usually do.

And there she lies next to me, calm, breathing slowly, her hair flowing from her head unto my sheets, she is so close but so far at the same time.

What am I feeling?

I feel a hunger, a deep, lustful hunger.

I know what I want, but I know how wrong it would be. I can not and will not risk everything for my hunger, but it stings, it writhes like a hellish worm in my gut.

Then her scent hits me. My nose never was the best, but that scent envelops me. Is it camomile? Is it it vanilla? I dont know, I do not care much, I just know it further expands my hunger.

Another pinch of pain to remind me that I am awake, aware and awash with feelings that I had never encountered.

And, suddenly, it strikes me...

I have become a Vampire

I feel the hunger

I fear the cross

I fear the garlic

And, most of all, I fear the stake

The decision / Curtain call

Since the first moment I lay eyes on you, something stirred up inside me
I could not really explain what it was
your shy smile?
your radiant eyes?
your small frame?
The way you know what you want, or at least for that brief moment you did know...

It enthralled me...
It made me lose control

I had never experienced such a thing

I came out of a long relationship, and I was in need of something you could not provide

Why?

You were taken... In a weird way, but you were

But there is this burning sensation and magnetic attraction that I do not know how to deal with
You can not extinguish this passion I have the same way you burn out a cigarette when you throw it in a small puddle of water: it sizzles for a few seconds and then its light is extinguished...

I can not do that...

We shared a walk, we shared messages... It drew me in.

I am aware I started it and I was, once again, very aware what I was getting myself into....

Such a weird thing to say, would you not agree? "I would tap that..."
I did it for two reasons, as I told you: test the waters and try to get a reaction out of him

There was no reaction from his side, but you did react to it apparently

Did I raise the bar too high for my own good?

Maybe, maybe... That time it was my raw emotion and the alcohol and cigarettes talking more than my rational side

I casually talked to you that Wednesday, wanted to walk with you, get to know you a little better
You took, once again, the initiative and asked if you could swing over, I agreed, I just wanted something, I did not know what, I still do not, but I wanted it

You worked, I organized the mess that was my room, but we both still had scrambled minds... we should have made sure that our minds were tidy before we did what we did, but passion is not rational.

The moment passed, we showered together, shared laughs as we rinsed our bodies from what had happened. It was not bad, but it was not that great either, we both secretly knew it.

You spent the night, unexpectedly, even had a toothbrush with you, you swore it was not planed, just like all the evening we had spent together, but it was convenient, just like the evening, I guess.

We looked forward to the day proper, the day in which we had agreed to meet....

I prepared dinner, got some decent wine to lighten the night and our minds. We shared stories as we ate the meager dinner I had whipped up. I did not notice anything weird by the time, but I guess in hindsight some questions were weird.

I still remember how you looked at me as you rode me... that funny half smile half frown that you make... its funny and weird, but its... fitting, attractive.

The second night felt like two black holes colliding, each eager to devour the other, to make it part of itself.

You had left your bike out... that was a sign. Did I know what it meant?

Probably

Did I want to interpret it as such in the heat of the moment?

Definitely not

I can still smell the scent of sex and your taste in my lips from that night... It felt good.

I was not able to finish either night, maybe that bothered you, but since you had already made up your mind you did not consider it important to raise up...

You had told me you would not spend the night this time: last night you and me had barely gotten any sleep and we had to go to work on the next morning. It was the rational thing to do...

Should I have stopped you?

Maybe

You left, the bitter taste of an unanswered question lingered in my mouth:

Will I see you anytime soon?

You just half-assedly smiled and rode your bike home.

It was not a ten speed, would have made for a funny story since that is the title of a song of my favorite band.

As I saw you ride away into the night, tears started swelling up in my face...

"Keep it together... keep it together till you are home and nobody can see or hear you weep" I told myself as i struggled to open the door, climb up the stairs and open the door to my flat.

Once I was in the safety of my home, I broke down.

A stream of insecurity and loneliness covered my cheeks

Bitter tears of unfulfillment were slowly covering my bathroom floor... I went to the door once more, vented my anger with one punch that barely scrapped my knuckle.... I was not even to properly express my frustration...

I crawled into bed.

No youtube till passing out tonight, just the blissful silence of the cold winter night entering my room through the small crack of hope that was my window. The sound of the quiet night soother me to sleep and I, at sometime, fell asleep thinking that I just wanted the pain to go away.

Automaton for Friday, that is what was in store. I be damned if anyone at work is going to see me weep. I had to run away some times to catch air, to not drown in my own emotions, frustration, despair, loneliness.

At the time I did not understand my feelings and emotions, it was a short lived thing, I knew it had no certain future, if any future at all...

But I later realized, 24 hours after I had talked to you, what was happening to me.

It came to me while I smoked a cigarette that Saturday night on my balcony after a long gaming session that should have eased my mind.

I want her

I want her

I want her damnit...

What was it again? 3,75% if I recall correctly

Those were the chances you and him had established for a person of finding their ideal partner.

Then why could I not be granted the chance to try my luck at it?

Winning the lottery was less likely, was it not? And you had said it yourself, well, he did... I deduced later that you were not as much into the whole open relationship thing as he was.

You were looking for freedom to engage in sexual activities, but were still afraid to fall for someone else... That much was clear to me after giving the whole situation some thought. You were probably feeling a similar attraction that I was, but you had a commitment and I was still mending myself after these past  years.

I talked to S, he invited me over to talk, we shared parts of our past, shared some tears together just like that Saturday night that I met you and S and I stayed up late talking about what a relationship entails.

We had things in common... more things than I had ever had with M...

Am I a fool?

For sure... But that is not negative in my eyes, it drives me forward.

Suddenly you also arrived, I waved you hello as if nothing had happened, as if everything was fine.

Once S left, I waited for you.

I still do...

You came up the stairs, I asked if we could talk, you invited me to your room, I stayed next to the door, probably because I knew that I would be making use of it in the near future...

We talked, we opened up, I asked you to not bullshit me with an explanation that bordered you selling me the idea that you were doing me a favor by not pursuing this any further.

"If you think we did not click for you, just say it!" I demanded "Please do not assume what my thoughts and emotions are or try to dictate what they will be, please do not do that"

You looked down and realized that I was right.

"Ok... I did not enjoy Thursday as much as I thought I would"

Did hearing that hurt?

Like a bitch

Was it better than not knowing what the next steps were?

Definitely

Even as I write this I do not know what goes on in your head... your smile frown that forms under your small nose and those glimmering eyes conveys nothing to me, I have to ask what is going on in your mind, if everything is alright. But you did not trust me to be strong enough to take the blow that Thursday night, little did you know at the time that not knowing had hurt e even more, but how could you?

You were thinking and feeling for both of us.

Destiny forbid I am right... but you are going to end up hurt with the way the things are... you and him are not on the same wavelenght... you have hitched that ride because it seemed convenient at the time taking into account your past experiences, but I doubt you follow the same easy going attitude towards the relationship he has... I hope I am wrong, I truly do.

But why am I addressing this to you?

What are the chances you will ever read this?

Close to 0, but there is, just like in my heart, the glimmer of hope that tells me that maybe you will read it, maybe I have a chance.

Am I a fool?

For sure.

I left that night, feeling that you would cry after I did, I know I was going to break down as soon as I crossed the threshold. And I did.

I unlocked the bike, lit a cigarette and rode home, regret falling emanating from my eyes as I slowly made my way into the night.

In a movie you could have asked me to stay.

In a movie I would have asked you to stay.

This is not a movie, this is the theater of life and the curtain had fallen on that night, closing the act.

I thought I was not going to hear from you even as I longingly stared at your profile picture.

You did write, asked what my plans were, I did the same. I again considered it to be the last message.

It was not...

You keep writing to me, responding, being somewhat playful...

How am I to deal with it?

Am I to consume my soul in the pyre of passion?

Am I to fade in the sandstorm of sorrow that lashes at my heart?

Am I a fool?

Without a doubt.

What the future entails... nobody knows... we write our own scripts and I, for one, have decided how the next act is going to look.

Have you done the same?

Are you feeling something remotely similar?

Can I trust what you say, if I know you do not deem me strong enough to deal with reality?

Somehow... it is not important.

Having you present in my life means a lot to me, gives me purpose, gives me direction.

You will most likely never read this, or maybe you will...

Will I write you a letter just like we playfully said we would today? Will I dare?

"I will toss a coin and decide based on that."

Only a fool would do that.

I do not let fate decide for me, I take life by the horns and push with the force of an immovable object in the opposite direction.

You may be unavoidable, fate/destiny, but I will not give up without a fight.

S said: "You have two options: you either talk to her and risk rejection or you let it be and accept it"

NO

Nobody but me decides my fate

I grab it with both hands, I pull it towards me and make it my bitch.

Tomorrow is a brand new day, and with every new sunrise, there is a new chance of improving, of learning, of growing, of overcoming... of living.

For that is live: getting rejected and not accepting it, fighting against it with all you have. Not in a brutish kind of way, but in the smart way.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and with the herald of light I will take my chances.

I kiss you goodnight on the forehead just like on Wednesday and hope that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.

My chances are slim, but better than none, and I cling to that for dear life.

You swept me off my feet, and now it is my turn to do the same.

Get ready for the new act, hear the orchestra playing the first notes of the vals of life, in which we all spin around between the madness and sanity, not wanting to stop for fear of death but afraid to spin out of control.

The curtain opens

The lights shine on my face

"Here I come" I whisper as I take a step forward

Like a moth to a flame

I can distinctly remember the moment I was mesmerizingly staring into the flame just one second shy of his sickle slitting my throat.

In that flame I say a great deal many things:

beauty expressed through my beloved walking through a barley field, the soft breeze gently swaying the picture with a loving caress.

Love through a fiery and sensuous night of carnal desire and uninhibited lust.

Promise, a small child slowly walking towards me, bright eyes, playful smile, not a worry in the world.

Peace

But as soon as those soothing images had vanished from my head, I saw the other side of the coin:

Famine: a small child starving as the obese walk past him, greasy food in their hands.

Ugliness: a corpse washed up by the shore, its entirety swelled up and putrid.

Loneliness: Myself strolling through the empty streets of the biggest metropolis imaginable

I saw all those things and more the moment before the sickle sliced my throat, and now I am trapped, condemned to relive that moment again and again along with the rest of the victims he claimed for his amusement.

Now and again we can avert our eyes from those visions and see the real world outside the lamp, the only distortion the green, eerie light that emanates from us and to the world of the living through the impenetrable glass of the lamp.

The world has changed.

He no longer inhabits the isles, he no longer murders for fun. He has yet again become a shadow of his former self, now fighting in the league for some bigger purpose than himself.

But here we are, trapped, for it was ruled that, since we give him power, we are to be the sacrifice made for the greater good.

We were attracted to the lamp like a moth to a flame, and now we shall inhabit it forever.

On how I started watching horror movies

I had never been much of a fan of horror stories. I remember not being able to sleep for a week after my cousins made me watch a Japanese horror film on a hallows eve. I never went to see any movie of the genre or read any book, heck, an adaptation of a book series that aired on tv when I was a child scared me to death with its intro in which a dog with glowing eyes scarily looked into the camera.It came as a surprise when I suddenly felt the urge to actually watch something of the genre, though I have to admit that, in retrospect, it could have been foreseen due to my love of the thriller, especially the psychological one. You see, I had an unrequited love with psychology: loved to study it, could never imagine myself working for it. But I digress.

I slowly crawled into the world of horror movies, foreseeing jumpscares, imagining how the plot would evolve, liking or disliking the villains of monsters. The usual.

I don't know and will never know whether my recent moving might have to do with what happened, but I wager it is most likely. I had no friends, no family there and my colleagues were distant to put it nicely. I was the perfect target...

I was not the first victim though, weeks before it happened there had been strange occurrences in the neighborhood, though they had scarcely been covered by the news, not like I really read them, though. Breaking in, robbing, mild aggressions and attacks. Never anything really serious like a murder, but it was disturbing nevertheless considering how quiet and peaceful this part of town used to be.

Nobody noticed the pattern involved in the crimes. Not even after what happened to me.

It happened on a regular Saturday night, I had made dinner, watched a movie and was getting ready to go to bed since I had to get up early on the next day.

A light tap on the window...

I swiftly turned my head, my eyes darting from side to side looking for the source of the tapping. I slid the curtains to the side and took a look at the balcony, but it was empty. I could have sworn it sounded like tapping on glass. I figured I was tired and starting to imagine things, not too strange considering the movie I had just seen and went to bed.

A slight tapping on the window followed by a tapping on the door.

This time I shook off the uncertainty of my judgment and quickly checked the balcony, which was obviously empty, and then proceeded to check the entrance. I lacked the courage to open the door and face whatever might be hiding behind it, so I just pressed my ear against it and tried perceiving what was happening on the other side.

Nothing.

A tap on the window, another and another.

And then I heard it: a whisper from behind the door accompanied by slow arrhythmical breathing.

I jolted from the door and made sure it was locked.

Unsure on where to go, I made the fatal mistake of locking myself in the bathroom.

In the dark, I could do nothing but listen to the slight tapping on the bathroom door. How they had broken in was a riddle to me, but there were more important matters at hand concerning my integrity.

The tapping stopped only to be replaced by scratching of the door and forcing of the handle.

I knew I would go insane if this were to continue for too long.

Scratching

Scratching

Forcing the handle

Scratching

Forcing the handle

Scratching

And then it stopped.

I stood up and got closer to the door.

I could hear nothing coming from the other side.

I decided to keep the door locked for a while, just in case.

I turned on the light and went to the sink to wash my face.

As I looked up I was greeted by my reflection in the mirror.

I was covered in blood, a sly grin painted on my face and the eyes of a madman piercing my soul.

The hunt had begun.

Heartache

This was how it was supposed to be.
My fate, if you will. Though I did quicken it.

They is gone into the world now, a world which does not understand them but also does not recognize them.

It had been too long since a human had set foot in the kingdom, and when they did, they were quickly taken care of.

I could not stop him... I knew what he was doing to them was wrong and I did express my disgust, but he had already taken the decision and there was nothing I could do to prevent the gruesome actions he would make and the innocent lives he would take...

Already six of them...

It was always the same story, even though I tried changing my approach, warning them in different ways, trying to make them stay and thus avoid their fate...

They wanted to leave and I could not protect them once they left these walls

I swore I would not in my lifetime ever set foot in the kingdom were I not on my way to leave. The thought of meeting him again... I could and can not bear. Too much has happened, my love is almost extinguished, I have given too much of my flame.

Now I am starting to feel the cold. Both from having shared the last bit of the flame I had and from the wound in my stomach.

They have left with a clear purpose, with only one thing in their minds. Why were they so different from the rest? What was driving them to behave the way they did...?

I have an epiphany

It is you... it is both of you...

You are playing your game all over again, but this time insanity has stepped to the playfield and lay down its own cards and rules.

One of you will have to concede defeat... And the mere thought of any of you losing this macabre game pains me to no end.

At least it will be over now, no more games, no more heartache.

The dark consequences of our actions

The ebony rock slipped between her finger and plummeted into the glass of  water below. In the glass were already 5 similar rocks, though one could not  see them at first glance due to the water in the glass having acquired a dark  color, like black ink. A drop mirrored the ebony rock as it made contact with  the surface and slowly joined the rest of its kind at the bottom of the glass.

The ink swirled and merged with the water, thin tentacle like tendrils of ink  tried to break free from the surface of the rock, grasping at what was left of the water.

I watched in horror as the water and the ink heterogeneously merged into a vile and dirty mixture, knowing all too well what was to become of it. As the ink settled down, a spoon made its entrance into the water, and with a stirr, blurred the boundaries of both liquids.

A feminine, yet strong and commanding voice boomed into my perception:

"Drink it"

Even though it was not the first time i had to go through this ritual, i couldnt help but start shaking as i approached the glass and carefully and slowly grabbed it with both of my hands.

Dropping the glass bore consequences far too grim to recollect.

I guided the glass towards my mouth and pursed my lips as to welcome the liquid into myself.

One sip...

Two sips...

Three sips...

I had to take a break.

I turned my head towards her and desperately waited for her to tell me that I needed not drink more of the repulsive liquid that I just now felt burning my throat, esophagus and finally my stomach. It felt as if every cell that came into contact with the mixture screamed out in agony and asked for either mercy or absolution from the pain.

She sternly looked back and slightly whipped her head back, signalling for me to continue.

I knew better than to complain or refuse to abide that silent order.

I looked down into the glass and estimated that there were only two sips left, which didnt help my situation as this was the worst part, the part in which the ink had the most concentration.

I took a deep breath and tried to get it behind me as quickly as i possibly could.

One sip...

I took another deep breath. My consciousness was having a hard time keeping me awake and alert, the burning sensation intensified and my legs started shaking, the energy that supported me fading.

This time i did not bother looking at her for mercy, for i knew she had none to spare.

Another deep breath

Another glance into the glass

The last sip...

I leave the glass back on the counter with the last of my strenght and feel the world starting to spin, twist and turn around me. My legs finally give in and darkness envelopes me like a welcoming and warm blanket.

...

I wake up in the middle of the forest.
At first i am confused, but as i gradually chase the sleepiness from my system i remember that it is the place i had chosen yesterday night, everything is fine. At least as fine as my situation allows everything to be.

I stand up and check my mental to do list:
Get dressed
Get fed
Get going

A long day and a long day await and little time it is i have to waste.

Descension

I turned my head to gauge the size of the forest.
How could i have not seen it from the wasteland, it as enourmous.
As far as my eyes could see there was forest all around, expanding like a green ocean on the surface.
I turned my whole body around to get the view of the other side.
There!
The wasteland started almost at the edge of my range of sight.
It was far far away... it would take days to get just to the edge of the forest...
How long had i run, it made little sense to me.
It was not relevant though, i had to make my way down to inform the daemon.
Then i made the mistake that nobody but me would have done in my situation:
i looked down.
My stomach dropped to my feet and i started to sweat profusely.
I was affraid of heights...
My head started to spin and  i felt a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I grabbed to the thin  trunk for dear life.
Why had i looked down, it was a mistake i knew i should have never made and yet i made it, how could i have been so stupid?
I held even tighter as i tried to steady my breathing and my heart, i closed my eyes as to shut my mind out of the world around me.
A small amount of bile made its way up my esophagus and ended in my mouth, i spat it out and opened my eyes once again.
I had to get down as soon as possible by my own will or i will leap down against it.
Going up had been easy, just grab a branch and get the rest of the body up there, getting down was a whole different story...
I slowly sat on the branch, careful not to lose my balance or slip to my death.
I hugged the branch tightly and started to turn my body around it as to end up face up so i could descend on the next branch. It had seemed easy enough in my mind yet my body had difficulty following my brains orders.
One i was positioned as i wanted, i let my legs go of the branch. My abs were not strong enough to hold the weight of my legs and they jerked down pulled by gravity straining my arms and making me desperately fight to not let go.
I dangled for a bit until i regained balance and then slowly let my arms slip around the branch so my feet could get contact with the next branch.
Left foot down, right foot down, and left foot slipped.
The world slowed down around me. I saw my foot slipping, i sensed my body skewing, my muscles tensing and my heart racing. As my body was almost horizontal on the branch i made an effort to grab the branch with my arms so i could avoid plummeting to what would surely be my death.
I managed to barely hold on but it wasnt enough, my body was still slipping, i dug my nails in the bark with the hope that it would suffice.
Lady luck favors those who try, or so the saying goes.
It worked, i was able to stop myself from falling at the expense of a nail that had left my finger, not able to withstand the strain that i had put on it.
The world returned to its normal speed.
I was yet again gasping for air, feet dangling, heart racing, muscles burning.
"I have to do it... i cant, i wont give up... not for me, for them..."
Once i had steadied my breathing i colleceted my thoughts and my strenght and continued my descent.
Dusk had already covered the land once i set foot on the ground.
"Its this way" i told the daemon while pointing at the right direction
*Good, lets find shelter for the night, we will resume on the morrow*

Ascension

There it was, a tree i could probably climb, though given my current condition it was a miracle if i was able to even get to the first half of the trees height.
I couldnt be deterred by that, i had to try, i owed that much to the daemon.
I grabbed the first branch and pulled myself up.
So far so good.
I hugged the trunk and looked for the next branch.
Right after finding it, a vision flooded my mind:
Malcom and the ghost chased by the Banshees, Malcom, in a futile act, wasting his ammo against the otherwordly beings.
I regained my sense of self as a stinging pain took over my senses.
I had probably had too many blackberries, my stomach was not ready for it.
I stretched my arm towards the next branch and had to hold in a cry of pain. Moving made the pain in my stomach worse.
I braced for the next painful blow as i stretched my other arm and my leg to get a better footing.
As i hurled myself up i let out a scream of pain and strain.
I lost consciousnes for the briefest moment and was able to again get a hold of the trunk just as i was about to lose my balance.
Not even one fifth up the height of the tree and i was already about to give in to the pain.
Another vision flooded my mind:
Fireworks over a small lake that had a willow pouring its branches into it.
Thank goodness my muscles had tensed while i was hallucinating, but where was that, i couldnt remember having ever seen that place yet alone been near it.
I once again shook my head and focused what little strenght i had to prepare for the next leap.
Every time i got on a new branch, my mind was invaded by visions:
A large space vessel making its way from a mechanical planet
A sheet of paper slowly being filled by and invisible hand with drawings of people struggling
A guitar playing songs by itself on a stage to a nonexistent audience
A Lioness leaving her cubs alone in the wild to bever return
A flood destroying a small village
A winged warrior slaughtering his enemies with a large sword
and finally
A tortured soul begging for forgiveness from the depths of hell
I had made it... i was on the top and able to see the horizon...

Day()Break

I got little sleep and it was plagued with nightmares, yet what had i expected? Was i worthy of something better than that? I knew i wasnt.
Once dawn started dripping into the cave the daemon looked at me, trying to hide his disgust, and signaled with his head for me to get out of the cave.
I stood up, the morning dew that had collected on my clothes seeped in and made the wet clothes stick to my already cold body, moving would get rid of that, so i started walking right away.
Once i left the cave i carefully examined the surroundings.
A forest, lush, full of life...
How had i ended up here? Nowhere near the abandoned dust town had i been able to muster a forest this size, how long had i been running?
*Fuggin stop daydreaming and get to walking, only hell knows how far we have strode from the right path...*
I nodded and started walking.
We walked in silence and with no particular sense of where we were headed to, but the most important thing for now was to keep walking no matter where. The goal was to get out of the forest and there was only one way of achieving it.
Hours passed of silent walking. My stomach complained from time to time as i had not had any food since the day before, but i dared not ask the daemon for a rest.
Only once his rumbling stomach was too much to endure even for it did we stop.
*If you want to eat, i recommend you look for something edible, for i will not be providing you with any.* it said before taking off.
I  was left in the middle of the forest, mouth wide open, stomach rumbling, feet hurting... but i had to do something. Doing nothing would certainly not feed me.
I started to look for berries or what i thought were edible plants.
After what seemed like an eternity searching i stumbled upon some wild blackberries.
I picked them from the bush carefully as to not hurt myself with the thorns, which i could not avoid in the end.
Once i was done my hands were stained red both from the blackberry juice and my own blood.
The daemon appeared behind me, looked at my hands, and then nodded once again.
We continued walking...
Why had i run away? Was i really that much of a coward but had had no opportunity to show it?
I hated it... I hated that i had run away... i hated that i had betrayed my friends when they need me, i hated that i had betrayed myself and the daemon...
*Stop with the self loathing, you will get plenty of that in your dreams from now on anyway*
I looked at him, it looked back.
*Focus on getting out of here, the energy you are spending in those pointless thoughts is wasted, better use it for something productive*
I nodded and continued walking.
What could i think about right now that would help me get out of here?
We had no idea of where we were nor did we know where to go to get out of the forest.
We would need some kind of guidance, some sort of reference point.
It struck me, if i climbed one of those trees, i would be able to see in which direction the forest transitioned into the wasteland.
"I have an idea..." i said while turning towards the daemon
*Then put it to action*
"you havent even heard w..."
*I already know, i have known for some time, now shut up and do it*
"But how..."
I shook my head and started looking for a tree to climb.

The Sch(e)ism

Everything happend too fast for my brain to really comprehend what was going on...
I catched my breath and focused on makinf sense of my surroundings.
I was in a cave of sorts, dark, humid, water running down one of the walls, the daemon was in a corner wounded, shivering, gasping desperately for air as was I.
I was sitting against a wall, my back drenched both with my sweat and the water dropplets that had collected on the surface.
"Where... are we...?" I managed to say
*Dont you... remember?* the daemon wheezed
"I...no... not really..."
*You are even dumber than I thought then...*
"..."
*Really? Nothing? Make an effort to remember your and my cowardice...*
"Cowardice...?"
I let my head fall on my chest and focused onn remembering how i had gotten to this place and why it was only the daemon and me. Where were Malcom and the ghost? Why werent they with us or better, why werent we with them?
The daemon scratched his claw on the rocky surface making a very wail-like strident sound.
Banshees...
Slowly the fog in my mind cleared and i started to remember.
We were all about to distract the banshees so we could continue our journey, i had seen a bottle and we were silently discussing how to execute the distraction.
I had volunteered to run and fetch the bottle and then throw it as far as i could so the banshees would go investigate the sound.
I remembered running to the middle of the road, picking up the bottle and facing in the direction of the banshees to throw it... but one had turned around while i was running and was getting ready lo lounge at me.
I stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do, thee fear had congealed in my veins rendering me completely inmobile.
I remember hearing Malcom screaming for me to get a grip and run, i remember the daemon transforming itself yet again for a new confrontation, i remember suddely being able to move and i remember running like i had never ran in my life.
From then on it was blurs of yellow and green and blue.
Then everything went black and i returned to myself in the cave.
"I...ran away..."
*You left them behind, yes... We left them behind, though not on my own accord*
"I... betrayed them... I am... a coward"
*Yes... that you are you fuggin idiot*
A solitary tear embarked on a journey down my grubby face.
*Dont you dare cry... not after what you have done... you could have avoided this, you could have fought, you could have stayed, but you didnt*
"Why... did you not stay with them...?"
*Im bound to you, remember?!* it roared as it stood up
It slowly made its way towards me
*My curse is to be alongside you for as long as you live no matter how idiotic your actions. I have to stay with you no matter how flawed you are and it is something only i must endure, for others are not bound to you as i am*
It was now in front of me. It stood on its hindlegs and pounded the wall with its paws only centimeters away from my face.
*And i swear, if you ever pull one of these again, i will make sure you never repeat that mistake, are we clear?* he whispered, its snout milimeters away from my nose.
I could both see and feel its breath on me.
"Yes... clear..." i managed to answer
*Good* it receded and coiled in one side of the cave *Rest for now and fugging think about the atrocity you have just commited, as soon as the sun raises we are out of here to look for them. And pray we do find them... and they are half as happy to see you as you will be of seeing them*
I quietly nodded and also slumped on the cave floor to try to get some rest that i knew i would not find in my dreams...

Recollection of rememberances

It was hard being alone in the room...
Writting helped, the ghost helped, the daemon helped in his own twisted way, but it was lonely and sometimes depressing.
And yet i look back fondly at the memories i made back then, at the writtings i produced back then, the time spent in solitude, the confort of being shielded off the outside world.
There was a strange feeling of delight knowing that no matter what, i would be safe here.
Out there... i did not know what was out there and frankly i had no intention of finding out at first, everything i needed i had in the room.
My spirit of adventure got the best of me though and i left, but what i found was not what i expected.
But what exactly did i expect anyway?
Before being locked away the world was doing not so well, so why would that have changed in my absence?
A bitter place this world is, not by itself of course, but by the people that inhabit it.
People fighting over matters so trivial in my young eyes... and still trivial in my old eyes.
They say that war never changes, but they are wrong...
The one that never changes is manking, thus making everything stagnant.
War doesnt change because humankind does not change...
Where do i stand amidst this madness?
Do i want to change how the world works or die trying?
Or do i want to live my life with no regard of the world, doing what i want to do till my time is taken from me?

Every step I take

I have come to fear doing new things...
I used to love it, doing new things, exciting things, going on adventures so to speak.
It meant taking a step forward, not always knowing which direction or where it would take me, but a step forward nevertheless.
Now i am affraid, for every step i take takes me closer to somewhere i dont want to go: Death.
Everything new i did brought me closer until i felt i was dancing a mortal tango with lady death herself, exchanging daring glares and sensual strokes.
I dont want that, i dont want to bring death closer to me, i want it far away, over the mountains, over the seas, in a dark hidden cave from whence it will never emerge to take me.
I have come to fear doing anything and everything, for anything i do might take me closer, so here i sit, in my dark room, and wait for the inevitable while i try to make that timespan last for as long as i can.

Lullaby for a princess

Dear sister,
i write to you to tell you of the burden i had to bear for so many years.
As day and night passed, the darkness in me grew ever greater seeing you become as popular as you did while i carried my sorrow in silence, the dark side of the moon i had become, hidden from plain sight.
I wished for my hate and sorrow to dissapear, but my struggle bore no fruit.
On the contrary, it increased my suffering and desire to gain all the favour you had.
After every smile i faked i had to cry myself to sleep.
You were great, brilliant, so... everything anyone could ever wish for.
Outgoing and kind...
I was reserved, introverted...
I tried everything i could, but weeks passed and nothing changed, i thought about talking it with you, but what could you do?
You tried to love me the way you knew best, but it served only to wretch me even further.
My destruction approached, my reneval did too.
Through the clouds i saw the moon, the only friend i could rely on in my troubled times, a friend with whom i spent an eternity after that fateful day in which i challenged you...
I wish for our reconciliation, i wish with all my might and i know we will somehow manage, as we are part of something even greater thatn ourselves.
After these thousand winters i came to understand that we were both needed.
My dreams rest in peace inside me, i know i will achieve them, i always knew i would, but i now know with wich means they will come true one day.
Thank you sister, thank you for everything you did back then and do every day to help me recover from my sorrow.


(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4tyvJJzSDk my source of inspiration this time)

Thoughts of a dying shadow (For Her)

I´m dying...
Funny to think about it, I did not even know that I was capable of such a feat, but here I am, on the ground, flat on my stomach, slowly fading away.
It does not bother me that much though, the only thought inside my mind is her.
Dark hair, dark eyes, a stare that would enthrall me every time she directed her gaze in my direction.
Her hips, they would drive me crazy every time I could see them, just picturing them inside my mind sends shivers down my spine and makes my slowing heart make a last effort to try to show me it is still alive and beating. Do not worry fella, we will soon be somewhere quiet, somewhere safe.
Her legs, powerful, strong, they had to be since they carried a strong woman on them. She did not like them that much, but I could not help but stare at them and marvel at their perfection.
Her smile... her smile was able to brighten even the darkest days, lighten the gloomiest moods, make my frown instantly turn into a smile.
She was like a cat somehow, or at least that is how I remember her. She was completely autonomous and did everything by herself, she would sometimes flee from my attempted snuggles, tell me I am too attached, how could I not be? But she would also sometimes approach me and demand some attention, attention I was more than willing to give her. Hugging her was one of the best feelings I can remember right now, feeling her warmth on my body, her smell flooding my nostrils, her soft skin under my finger tips.

I am dying, and I am dying alone.

The blood is slowly but surely forming a pond under my stomach, I can feel the farm liquid sticking to my clothes, soaking them.
Good thing I decided to wear a dark red shirt, this way it will not be that noticeable.

I remember her, and I miss her, but I am not granted her presence right now, at my last moments.
I perhaps do not deserve it either, but I still miss her.

My vision is getting foggy, I stop feeling my limbs, my muscles relax and give in to the sleepyness that is death.

This is me, a shadow of my former self, and these are my thoughts: Her.
I hope I will be able to see her from wherever I go, else I will consider it to be hell.

These lines are for you, to tell you that I loved you, that I still do, that I miss every second of the time we spent together.

My last words flee my now cold mouth...

Kleid aus Rosen

I left everything behind...
My youth, my parents, even the man I was meant to marry...
Everything overwhelmed me, had me in its mercy, a tidal wave washing away my dreams and desires.
I had taken few decisions in my life, but this one I would take and follow through for once.
I ran as never before, streets flying by, corner after corner I turned, a blurr of emotions and memories coiled around my consciousness.
Thats what brought me to this particular house. Nothing special from the outside, but the inhabitant was a gifted individual: he painted on human skin.
As I stood in front of the house I called out:
Master! Master! Give me Roses, paint your roses on my young and uncorrupted skin!
Sting those roses into me!
But child, the master told me in soft voice, these roses will cost you blood, you are not suited for this.
Master, I am ready for whatever pain or suffering I will have to go through, I beg you, make Roses bloom on my skin, for I have never felt either being beautiful nor being free.
I cant, child, this is something not to be tread lightly.
Master, I beg of you, stitch the freedom I desire into me...
Child, I hope you wont regret your newfound freedom as soon as you taste it, please follow me inside.
I was led into his workshop, the walls covered with beautiful drawings of all sorts of beautiful things, dragons, unicorns, roses, lilys, mountains, beaches, oceans...
A bed was in the middle of the back of the shop, a courtain separating it from the rest of the room.
On a little table there were aligned a lot of different needles  and little bottles full of ink.
What roses do you wish for, my child?
I... dont know... roses... beautiful roses
What color do you desire?
Does it matter, Master?
Yes it does, child, each rose color means something else.
Would you chose for me?
No child, it is something you have to chose for yourself, as it is something that will accompany you for the rest of your days.
Then... I want blue roses
Very well, please lay face down on the bed and uncover your back
I was unsure of the Masters intentions... he could take advantage of me while I undressed myself
Nothing to worry about, child, no harm I will do upon you
His calm and silky voice soothed me
I took of my blouse and lay flat on my stomach on the bed
I am ready, Master, I told the master, as he had begun preparing all the needles and was with his back turned to me
Child, this is the point of no return, once the first needle has pierced your skin I will ahve to continue, for I never leave my work halfway, so I will ask one last time: are you sure of this?
Yes, Master, I am sure of this. I will bear with whatever comes from here on
The master took the needle in his hand and placed it on my back, as the tip touched my skin I could feel the coolness of the metal
The coolness was soon replaced by pain, excruciating pain that made me cry out in agony
I told you, Child, these roses are gonna cost you dear
Before I could even reply I felt the piercing of the needle yet again, another cry
Blood began flowing out of the piercings made by the skillful hands of the Master
Roses, vines, leaves and blood bloomed on my back, the white bedsheet slowly changed its color to bloodred
Just then I saw it, in the corner of the shop, was a basket full of bloodstained bedsheets
The price of the roses was pain and blood, a long agony that ended hours later when the Master stood up and evaluated his work
The deed is done, Child, you can rise from your grave, as you have been dead and reborn
I couldnt move, my blodshot back was still aching from all the piercings
Here Child, take a look yourself at your freedom, the Master told me as he put a mirror next to my head and held another one over my back
Its magnificent, is all I could mutter
My back had been turned into a rose, vines, leaves, buds, blooming roses...
Now Child, how are you going to pay?
P...Pay?, I stuttered
Yes Child, my skill does not come free nor cheap, did you not think about that when you walked into my shop?
No..., I answered quietly and shy
See, Child? Such reckless and thoughtless behaviour is what you have to get through if you ever wish your freedom...
I..., I was completely clueless on what I might say or do in this situation
Child, lest we make an agreement and you pay for my skill, you will never grow or gain freedom, so listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you. You will pay me back working for me and sometimes letting me use your skin to paint on it. This way you will learn.
Yes..., I said, Yes Master, I will work
Good, Child, now go, you will start tomorrow morning. Another thing Child, please wear from now on clothes that show your back so everyone can see.
I nodded and got up from the bed, I did not care anymore if he saw me like this after showing me how compassionate and kind he was.
Do you have a scissor, Master?
Yes Child, what do you want it for?
I want to cut open the back of the blouse so I can show my back
As you wish Child, he said as he went to get the scissors
He swiftly brought them to me, I cut the back in half and put on the blouse
Until tomorrow, Child
Yes... tomorrow, I mindlessly answered as i made my way to the door
As I left the shop, the Master went to the back and started cleaning everything, a task I would do for the next year.
I took the longest way home I could think of
As I crossed a bridge, I stopped and directed my gaze to the sea, so close and familiar as mysterious and unknown.
I am the sea, I have know myself for a lifetime and yet I know nothing about me...
With that thought circling my mind I stood on the bridge and watched the coast until the dusk made its way into the night.

PS: This entry was inspired entirely on this song, I highly recommend you listen to it and read the lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I37CYmYQwjA

breaking a habit, making a habit

They say it's very difficult to break a habit but I know for sure that it's also very hard to make one.
Darkness had accompanied me most of my time during my first few weeks, I think it might have been weeks but I can't be sure since there was no way to keep track of time, and the light seemed at first comforting company.
But it was not enough.
I had to do something, there were just too many spare hours in my days that were wasting away due to my inability to actually do something.
I had to change that, but in order to do so I would have to make a habit, no easy task for someone like me.
I am the kind of person who has trouble when starting something, the first step is the most difficult one for me, once I get that one going, the rest just comes naturally, just as the words on this paper are being written without previous thought.
There was paper and there were writting utensils, I needed nothing more appart from that and the light bulb hanging from the ceiling.
So there I silently sat staring at the satinated stern walls with no thought in mind regarding what I should write down, what could be relevant, what could even transcend someday, if and only if I were to get out of here.
But suddenly it came, the idea that started all this madness, the spark of sanity in the sea of caos that had become my mind for the past minutes.
Just write
It seemed so simple and yet so incredibly vague that it frightened me.
Just write?
Just write
Write for yourself, write for the ones that will never see this pages, write for the ones who will, write for someone who might be trapped as you are, write for the free, write for the young, write for the old, for the ones already gone and the ones that have yet to come
Just write
And so I sat down and began writting down everything I could remember about how I had gotten into this mess and how my existence had carried on trapped in between these four walls.

Only one

Only one can understand what it means to live, to struggle with those little problems that look like mountains when we have to face them and, when looking back, are nothing more than molehills.
Only one can understand what those little things mean to us, what they entize, how valuable they are.
And you sit in front of me, Queen of my dreams, giving me everything and nothing at the same time, caring yet neglecting me, boosting yet loathing me, kissing yet killing me.
Only we can understand what this means, what the one means, what we feel.
I remember your warmth every morning, I picture your smile and the sun rises up in the sky, I imagine your pain and darkness clouds my domain.
One so powerful, with such grace, giving away pleasure and pain.
To you I deem these lines, my only one.

She looks up from the torn piece of paper.
"Who is the recipient of this letter?"
*Nobody right now, but perhaps in the future there will be somebody to whom I will send it*
"But how can you speak about somebody you do yet not know?"
*Because I know myself and I know what my feelings will be, who she is matters not, who I am does*
"..."
*I wrote that on a gloomy day, dont mind it too much*
I hold my hand towards her and she places the torn piece of paper in it.
*Time to move, is it not?*
"Damn right it is, you lazy-ass"
*Good morning to you too, Daemon*
"Less chit-chat and more moving, I wanna see the sunlight"
I sigh deeply as I rearrange the contents of the folder for the last time.
*Done... I think*
"Lets do it then"
*Yeah, lets head out*

Monster inside of me

I open my left eye
Darkness
I open my right eye
Daylight
"What... the ...hell...?"
"I dont think you should open your left eye, its completely bloodshot and doesnt look too good" She nervously tells me as she rummages the house.
I close both of my eyes and try to get up, which proves far more difficult than it should, but on the other hand I am accustomed to easy things becoming  almost impossible.
"Is the daemon here with us? I cant seem to remember seeing him inside as the Morph jumped in to deffend us from those Banshees.
"Yes" she whispers "He is over there"
I open my right eye to see where she is pointing at, the far corner of the room that is barely lit.
I get on all fours and start making my way towards my daemon. With each step I can distinguish a little more of his silhouette.
He doesnt resemble me at all right now, he is bigger, buffer and has much longer hair.
Wait a minute...
"Daemon?" I ask quietly
"Yes?"
"Have you... Have you..."
"Yes, I have morphed, took me a lot of effort. Dont come closer, I need to rest and recover from my wounds. Oh, and cover that left eye of yours if you dont want to go partially blind"
"I got that" she shouts from somewhere inside the house and shortly after appears with an eye patch.
I take it from her and place it over my left eye.
"Now that this has been taken care of..." I mutter "What happened to you?"
The daemon is breathing deeply and I can feel how difficult it is for him to catch each breath.
"How should I know? I saw you trip just a few inches away from the door and I feared everything would be over, I panicked."
"And you turned into a wolf like antropomorphic creature..."
"Does seem that way" he chuckles "Just give me some time to recover and I might be able to explain what happened or at least what I think happened. Ask her to tell you about our great escape from the room, that sure is a nice story"
"Come over here, lets not disturb him" she tells me, her voice calm
I get to the other side of the room and lay on the floor in order to not waste any of the precious energy that could be left in me.
"My writtings!" I get up fast as lightning and look around the room.
She places her hand on my cheeck  "Hush now, they are near the door, dont worry, I took care of them as we escaped"
I settle down, reliefed that at least my legacy is safe.
"What is the last thing you remember about the room and our escape?"
"Uhhh" I hesitate. I dont really remember anything besides the last night I spent there "Nothing related to the escape itself Im affraid"
"Well... Then i have a lot of telling to do"