*Good morning*
"Morning"
*Again sleeping someplace else? Do you dislike my company that much?*
"Actually, i havent slept at all"
*Writting again?*
"With what light, smartass, as you may have noticed, it never lights up during nighttime"
*Guess you are right, then what did keep you away from me?*
"Her, she came back?"
*Her? Who?*
"The ghost..."
*The ghost... its a she?*
"Yeah"
*Right...*
"You still dont believe me, do you?"
*Not really, i still think you have gone completely nuts*
"She read some of my writings"
*What did she think of them?*
"She liked many and disliked some"
*Figures*
"And then she told me about the afterlife, i might write down all that she told me"
*Interesting?*
"You cant imagine how fascinating i found everything she told me"
*uhu*
"Oh well, enough chit-chat, lets have breakfast"
*Ok*
As usual, we both searched the room for the breakfast tray, but this time we wouldnt find anything.
"Anything?"
*Nope, what about you?*
"Same, strange, its usually here when we wake up"
*Maybe they didnt leave anything because someone decided to stay awake instead of going to sleep*
"Whatever, i think im gonna get some sleep, barely slept 2 hours before she came"
*As you see fit*
I found my way to the bed and slipped inside.
Sleep caught me almost as soon as i was completely covered with the blanket. It was very cozy and confortable. My eyelids shut.
5/5/12
Reading the life
Once again i was woken up by a dim light in the center of the room.
"She came back after all" i thought to myself, smiling.
I couldnt show my happiness to her however.
The way she left the first time, i just didnt want her to flee as soon as she saw me.
It took me quite some time to adjust my eyes to the gloom, but what i saw when it happened was totally worth it:
She was reading one of my writtings. She seemed inmersed in the pages, but i wouldnt sneak up on her just like the last time.
I coudnt take that chance. Id wait till she finished reading whatever she was reading and would then get her attention somehow.
I waited for what to me seemed like an eternity.
She looked up and then turned her gaze at me.
I closed my eyes and pretended i was asleep.
The light grew brighter through my closed eyelids.
Was she getting closer to me? No, that was absurd, it couldnt be. She fled from me the other day, now she couldnt be approaching me, it made no sense.
"Open your eyes" she said softly.
I did as i was asked to.
"Oh, am i dead?" i asked, acting as if until then i had been sleeping.
"No, why would you be?"
"Because i have been awoken by an angel"
She backed off and looked away.
The color of the light emaning from her head turned from white to pink.
Was she blushing perhaps?
I didnt even know if ghosts could blush.
"Hey, you alright?" i asked.
"Yes... everything is fine, its just... it caught me off guard..." she answered "I took the liberty to take a look at your writtings, i hope you dont mind..."
"Not at all, glad somebody else can see them besides myself" i gave her a smile, trying to comfort her.
She smiled back.
"So... did you like what you read?"
"I did enjoy reading some of them, others were either too sad or too depressing for me to take right now"
"Yeah, life is bittersweet and so are my writtings"
"Afterlife isnt much better either"
"Tell me about it"
"About what?"
"About the afterlife, or even better, forget the afterlife, tell me about your life, who you were, what you did, i would love to know more"
"I am not sure i am ready to talk about my life just yet... but i can tell you about the afterlife, that would be no problem, i have gotten accustomed to it.
"That will have to do i guess... then please, tell me every single thing..."
The night flew by quite quickly.
Us both inmersed in our little conversation about the afterlife, me asking questions, her being patient and answering them
"Daylight is almost here" she said looking up to the ceiling "I have to go"
"And why is that, how do you even know its daytime yet?"
"I just... know, dont really have an explanation for this.
I will be back, fear not."
"Then i will wait for you"
She ascended like smoke: slowly, majestic.
And went through the ceiling, just like the first time.
I didnt know at that point, but she would be like a little wild pet cat, coming and going whenever she pleased, sometimes because she felt lonely, others for me to tend to her wounds and other because she wanted company.
Either one of these reasons made her come to my dark room, light it up a bit, and for me that was what mattered.
I liked her company... and i probably liked her.
"She came back after all" i thought to myself, smiling.
I couldnt show my happiness to her however.
The way she left the first time, i just didnt want her to flee as soon as she saw me.
It took me quite some time to adjust my eyes to the gloom, but what i saw when it happened was totally worth it:
She was reading one of my writtings. She seemed inmersed in the pages, but i wouldnt sneak up on her just like the last time.
I coudnt take that chance. Id wait till she finished reading whatever she was reading and would then get her attention somehow.
I waited for what to me seemed like an eternity.
She looked up and then turned her gaze at me.
I closed my eyes and pretended i was asleep.
The light grew brighter through my closed eyelids.
Was she getting closer to me? No, that was absurd, it couldnt be. She fled from me the other day, now she couldnt be approaching me, it made no sense.
"Open your eyes" she said softly.
I did as i was asked to.
"Oh, am i dead?" i asked, acting as if until then i had been sleeping.
"No, why would you be?"
"Because i have been awoken by an angel"
She backed off and looked away.
The color of the light emaning from her head turned from white to pink.
Was she blushing perhaps?
I didnt even know if ghosts could blush.
"Hey, you alright?" i asked.
"Yes... everything is fine, its just... it caught me off guard..." she answered "I took the liberty to take a look at your writtings, i hope you dont mind..."
"Not at all, glad somebody else can see them besides myself" i gave her a smile, trying to comfort her.
She smiled back.
"So... did you like what you read?"
"I did enjoy reading some of them, others were either too sad or too depressing for me to take right now"
"Yeah, life is bittersweet and so are my writtings"
"Afterlife isnt much better either"
"Tell me about it"
"About what?"
"About the afterlife, or even better, forget the afterlife, tell me about your life, who you were, what you did, i would love to know more"
"I am not sure i am ready to talk about my life just yet... but i can tell you about the afterlife, that would be no problem, i have gotten accustomed to it.
"That will have to do i guess... then please, tell me every single thing..."
The night flew by quite quickly.
Us both inmersed in our little conversation about the afterlife, me asking questions, her being patient and answering them
"Daylight is almost here" she said looking up to the ceiling "I have to go"
"And why is that, how do you even know its daytime yet?"
"I just... know, dont really have an explanation for this.
I will be back, fear not."
"Then i will wait for you"
She ascended like smoke: slowly, majestic.
And went through the ceiling, just like the first time.
I didnt know at that point, but she would be like a little wild pet cat, coming and going whenever she pleased, sometimes because she felt lonely, others for me to tend to her wounds and other because she wanted company.
Either one of these reasons made her come to my dark room, light it up a bit, and for me that was what mattered.
I liked her company... and i probably liked her.
4/5/12
The house and the lake
I looked out of the window.
The lake offered a dazzling look at this time of the year. The autumn leaves slowly falling from the trees and onto the lake itself, the fish swimming as if in slow motion, and the willow pouring its branches into the lake. The lake was truly the main source of life here.
Only a few dim rays of light fell into the room.
The dusty furniture reminded me of the old days in which we used to spend afternoons together, just watching the lake, not caring about the rest of the world.
She was the rest and the only thing in my world.
Laying on the shore, skygazing.
The clouds could become anything we wanted them to, there were no boundaries, there were no limitations, only our imagination as the only barrier. And her imagination was one of the most colorful and brilliant i ever met. Not a single cloud remained without turning into something never seen before. From trees to animals, pieces of furniture, sweets, fruits...
Anything she could paint on the clouds, and anything i would give right now to see her one more time, to feel her warmth on my shoulder, to hear her give birth to new clouds.
...
But life isnt that easy, those were words spoken by her while in her deathbed, still, you must carry on. You have to do it for yourself, but in times you may not find the strenght, then do it for me, for all the things we havent done yet, for all that life still owes me.
Keep living for me, for my memory, for as long as you life, i will live within you adn shall not die.
My body may have become fragile but my mind is still as bright as the first day we met, wouldnt you agree?
I could just nod while i held my tears back.
It wasnt fair, we had barely even met...
What is two years in the life of a man?
Nothing...
From that time we had met in the park until this day only two short years had passed, and that wasnt time enought to enjoy a persons company. I knew her, but i didnt fully know her, and that had been my only desire.
I had made my vows despite us not being married.
I had promised myself that i would keep her from harm, that through any kind of weather id want us to be together, that id get to know her entirely, every inch of her skin, every corner of her mind, be for her a shoulder to cry on...
And there were many things i would not be able to do...
Her illness made her condition worse every day. The doctors said that her lifespan shortened every hour.
I couldnt bear the thought of losing her, thats why i remained by her side the entire time.
Are you ok, honey? she asked.
What could i tell her? I was in pain, but the suffering she had to go through made my misery seem... so little.
Yes, yes i am ok. Was all i could say.
I grabed her hand tightly and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She smiled weakly.
That night she passed away.
It was like in one of those books she liked to read. Peacefully, silently...
After she expired her last breath my eyes started cascading uncontrollably.
Now the pain was on me.
I lay on her and cryed my entire being out on her.
All our shared memories coming back to my mind, all the times spent together, the good times, the not so good times, in which she would just storm out of the room and lock herself up.
At that time i thought it bitter and cruel of her.
Now it seemed so feeble and unimportant.
Everything did.
...
The sun had set.
Time had passed.
She had told me that one time that i had to live on for the both of us and her wish i would fulfill.
I turned my gaze from the window.
The violin case in the corner of the room, just where she had left it.
I took some steps and hesitantly stood in front of it.
I had never had the courage to open it without her permission, but it felt as if it would be allright to do now.
I carefully lifted it from the ground and with it i went to the kitchen table.
That table used to be full of vegetables and fruits, now it was empty, as was the vast majority of the house.
I put the case on the table and undid the locks.
One of them shriecked, as if refusing to be opened.
I backed off.
Maybe it wasnt such a great idea, but it was open now, there was no turning back.
I lifted open the case.
There it was, her violin, untouched, uncorrupted, damned to be alone for all time now that nobody could play it, unable to cry...
I carefully took it out of the case. It was truly a work of art, to craft something so delicate.
It had her smell on it.
A solitary tear escaped my eye. I put it back to where it belonged and made my way to the doorway.
Just before i locked the door, i took one final peek inside.
Everything was where it should be, i could leave in peace.
I closed the door, took a deep breath and started walking with no direction, with no purpose yet.
I would find it though, i was sure of it.
The lake offered a dazzling look at this time of the year. The autumn leaves slowly falling from the trees and onto the lake itself, the fish swimming as if in slow motion, and the willow pouring its branches into the lake. The lake was truly the main source of life here.
Only a few dim rays of light fell into the room.
The dusty furniture reminded me of the old days in which we used to spend afternoons together, just watching the lake, not caring about the rest of the world.
She was the rest and the only thing in my world.
Laying on the shore, skygazing.
The clouds could become anything we wanted them to, there were no boundaries, there were no limitations, only our imagination as the only barrier. And her imagination was one of the most colorful and brilliant i ever met. Not a single cloud remained without turning into something never seen before. From trees to animals, pieces of furniture, sweets, fruits...
Anything she could paint on the clouds, and anything i would give right now to see her one more time, to feel her warmth on my shoulder, to hear her give birth to new clouds.
...
But life isnt that easy, those were words spoken by her while in her deathbed, still, you must carry on. You have to do it for yourself, but in times you may not find the strenght, then do it for me, for all the things we havent done yet, for all that life still owes me.
Keep living for me, for my memory, for as long as you life, i will live within you adn shall not die.
My body may have become fragile but my mind is still as bright as the first day we met, wouldnt you agree?
I could just nod while i held my tears back.
It wasnt fair, we had barely even met...
What is two years in the life of a man?
Nothing...
From that time we had met in the park until this day only two short years had passed, and that wasnt time enought to enjoy a persons company. I knew her, but i didnt fully know her, and that had been my only desire.
I had made my vows despite us not being married.
I had promised myself that i would keep her from harm, that through any kind of weather id want us to be together, that id get to know her entirely, every inch of her skin, every corner of her mind, be for her a shoulder to cry on...
And there were many things i would not be able to do...
Her illness made her condition worse every day. The doctors said that her lifespan shortened every hour.
I couldnt bear the thought of losing her, thats why i remained by her side the entire time.
Are you ok, honey? she asked.
What could i tell her? I was in pain, but the suffering she had to go through made my misery seem... so little.
Yes, yes i am ok. Was all i could say.
I grabed her hand tightly and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She smiled weakly.
That night she passed away.
It was like in one of those books she liked to read. Peacefully, silently...
After she expired her last breath my eyes started cascading uncontrollably.
Now the pain was on me.
I lay on her and cryed my entire being out on her.
All our shared memories coming back to my mind, all the times spent together, the good times, the not so good times, in which she would just storm out of the room and lock herself up.
At that time i thought it bitter and cruel of her.
Now it seemed so feeble and unimportant.
Everything did.
...
The sun had set.
Time had passed.
She had told me that one time that i had to live on for the both of us and her wish i would fulfill.
I turned my gaze from the window.
The violin case in the corner of the room, just where she had left it.
I took some steps and hesitantly stood in front of it.
I had never had the courage to open it without her permission, but it felt as if it would be allright to do now.
I carefully lifted it from the ground and with it i went to the kitchen table.
That table used to be full of vegetables and fruits, now it was empty, as was the vast majority of the house.
I put the case on the table and undid the locks.
One of them shriecked, as if refusing to be opened.
I backed off.
Maybe it wasnt such a great idea, but it was open now, there was no turning back.
I lifted open the case.
There it was, her violin, untouched, uncorrupted, damned to be alone for all time now that nobody could play it, unable to cry...
I carefully took it out of the case. It was truly a work of art, to craft something so delicate.
It had her smell on it.
A solitary tear escaped my eye. I put it back to where it belonged and made my way to the doorway.
Just before i locked the door, i took one final peek inside.
Everything was where it should be, i could leave in peace.
I closed the door, took a deep breath and started walking with no direction, with no purpose yet.
I would find it though, i was sure of it.
3/5/12
Aftermath
I dont know when i had given in to sleep the night before, but it was unimportant.
I had been too hasty and she had left, that was all that mattered to me at that point in time.
*Had a good nights sleep?*
"I guess..."
*You guess? By the way, why didnt you sleep in the bed?*
"True, you didnt notice..."
*What is it i didnt notice?*
"We had a visitor"
*What do you mean, a visitor? We are in a sealed room, where nothing enters or exits except stacks of white paper, pens and pencils and food and sometimes even fresh blankets and clothing. There is no way we had someone come in here just like that*
"Wait till i explain and then it may not sound that crazy... or maybe it will sound even crazier now that i think about it..."
*Well?*
"It was a ghost...."
*A ghost?*
"A ghost"
*A ghost*
"Yeah, thats what i said!"
*Ok, you have gone mad, perfect*
"I havent gone mad, not yet at least, thanks for your support and understanding"
*Okay man, let me get this straight:
We have been imprisioned here for quite some time now. Noone has ever visited you in all this time, there are no doors in this room and only one source of light, which aint working at the moment anyway and only lights up when it feels like it and you have been spending way too much time feverishly writting whenever you have had the chance. It isnt absurd to think that you have lost your mind, is it?*
I gave him a cold look, which of course he couldnt see since the darkness engulfed everything in the room.
"I am not crazy" i said with determined voice "And i saw a ghost last night that came through the ceiling apparently, at least thats the way it took to leave, and started crying its heart out for reasons unknown to me."
Yes, i lied, but its not as if he would have believed me anyway.
*Ok man, whatever works for you...*
"You dont believe me, do you?"
*Nope, sorry*
"Nevermind then..."
I had been too hasty and she had left, that was all that mattered to me at that point in time.
*Had a good nights sleep?*
"I guess..."
*You guess? By the way, why didnt you sleep in the bed?*
"True, you didnt notice..."
*What is it i didnt notice?*
"We had a visitor"
*What do you mean, a visitor? We are in a sealed room, where nothing enters or exits except stacks of white paper, pens and pencils and food and sometimes even fresh blankets and clothing. There is no way we had someone come in here just like that*
"Wait till i explain and then it may not sound that crazy... or maybe it will sound even crazier now that i think about it..."
*Well?*
"It was a ghost...."
*A ghost?*
"A ghost"
*A ghost*
"Yeah, thats what i said!"
*Ok, you have gone mad, perfect*
"I havent gone mad, not yet at least, thanks for your support and understanding"
*Okay man, let me get this straight:
We have been imprisioned here for quite some time now. Noone has ever visited you in all this time, there are no doors in this room and only one source of light, which aint working at the moment anyway and only lights up when it feels like it and you have been spending way too much time feverishly writting whenever you have had the chance. It isnt absurd to think that you have lost your mind, is it?*
I gave him a cold look, which of course he couldnt see since the darkness engulfed everything in the room.
"I am not crazy" i said with determined voice "And i saw a ghost last night that came through the ceiling apparently, at least thats the way it took to leave, and started crying its heart out for reasons unknown to me."
Yes, i lied, but its not as if he would have believed me anyway.
*Ok man, whatever works for you...*
"You dont believe me, do you?"
*Nope, sorry*
"Nevermind then..."
2/5/12
The ghost...
A ghost visited me tonight.
I dont know how it got into the room or how it escaped afterwards, but not that those things matter.
I was sleeping soundly, not aware of my surroundings. I heard someone sobbing, so i slowly woke up. I felt the dim light in the center of the room even before i opened my eyes.
"Strange" i thought to myself "the bulb had never been lit while i was sleeping as far as i could tell"
I opened my eyes and there it was:
A ghost as white as a snowflake was floating in the middle of the room, crying its heart out.
I didnt know what to do at first, never having encountered such a being before, but i gathered all the courage i could muster and slowly slipped out of the bed, trying not to awake my companion. I slowly approached the ghost.
As i came nearer, i noticed it was a woman.
"lets hope its not a banshee" i thought to myself.
Whenever i remember this, i think of how foolish that thought was at that moment. Had it been a banshee, it would have left me deaf the moment it entered the room with its howling.
When i was right behind it, her, i didnt know how to address her at that time, i cleared my throat in order for her to notice my presence, in case she hadnt before.
She slowly turned to me, fear, anguish and terrible sadness in her eyes.
I was petrified. Never had i seen such a sad expression. She began to ascend in slow circular movements.
"wait, please dont go..." i told her, a crack of fear in my voice "i am lonely myself, i could use some company, so please, dont leave"
She looked down at me, confusion painted in her face along those sadness stricken eyes.
Time stood still while we looked each other in the eyes. She was probably pondering whether she should or shouldnt stay, i was hoping that she wouldnt choose to do the latter.
The confusion slowly faded from her face as did a little of the sadness and she descended back to my chamber floor.
"Arent you afraid of me?" she asked in a sweet voice, distorted by the tears and the fear of rejection.
"Why would i be afraid of you?" i asked back
"I am a ghost, an unholy being, untouchable, incorruptable, damned to walk the earth in this state, crying..." her voice trailed off.
"I see neither unholyness nor damnation in you. I see..." i had to stop.
What was i going to say, that i found her beautiful? That i hadnt seen such precious eyes in a long time? That i had the irresistible feeling that i wanted to hug her, confort her?
I couldnt just tell her that, could i?
She would probably just vanish into thin air and i would be left alone again in my silvery cage.
"I see a spirit in distress" the words that left my mouth.
"That is mostly correct i am afraid to concede" she admitted and looked at the floor.
"May i ask what is the source of your sorrow?"
"You may, and i may even answer..."
"Then, what is it that causes you this much pain?"
She looked up at me, right in the eyes. A solitary tear escaped her right eye. She put both of her hands on her chest and looked back down again.
"Oh... i see" was the only thing i could bring myself to say at that point.
"It wasnt too long ago either" she murmured.
"Heartaches dont go away that fast i guess... it takes time to close up some wounds. Especially if its pain stricken hearts..."
"It hurts so much..."
I got closer to her and tried to hug her, but it was futile.
My arms went right through her.
She noticed what i had wanted to do and backed off a little, terror painted in her eyes.
"I didnt mean to, i mean, i wanted to, but i didnt remember, i..."
"Sorry" was all she said before she started to vanish.
"NO" i almost shouted "please, let me explain, dont leave" hopelessness pouring out of my mouth "please promise you will come back another time"
"Maybe..." she murmured before the went through the ceiling into the outer world.
And so i was yet again left alone in my dark room.
I dont know how it got into the room or how it escaped afterwards, but not that those things matter.
I was sleeping soundly, not aware of my surroundings. I heard someone sobbing, so i slowly woke up. I felt the dim light in the center of the room even before i opened my eyes.
"Strange" i thought to myself "the bulb had never been lit while i was sleeping as far as i could tell"
I opened my eyes and there it was:
A ghost as white as a snowflake was floating in the middle of the room, crying its heart out.
I didnt know what to do at first, never having encountered such a being before, but i gathered all the courage i could muster and slowly slipped out of the bed, trying not to awake my companion. I slowly approached the ghost.
As i came nearer, i noticed it was a woman.
"lets hope its not a banshee" i thought to myself.
Whenever i remember this, i think of how foolish that thought was at that moment. Had it been a banshee, it would have left me deaf the moment it entered the room with its howling.
When i was right behind it, her, i didnt know how to address her at that time, i cleared my throat in order for her to notice my presence, in case she hadnt before.
She slowly turned to me, fear, anguish and terrible sadness in her eyes.
I was petrified. Never had i seen such a sad expression. She began to ascend in slow circular movements.
"wait, please dont go..." i told her, a crack of fear in my voice "i am lonely myself, i could use some company, so please, dont leave"
She looked down at me, confusion painted in her face along those sadness stricken eyes.
Time stood still while we looked each other in the eyes. She was probably pondering whether she should or shouldnt stay, i was hoping that she wouldnt choose to do the latter.
The confusion slowly faded from her face as did a little of the sadness and she descended back to my chamber floor.
"Arent you afraid of me?" she asked in a sweet voice, distorted by the tears and the fear of rejection.
"Why would i be afraid of you?" i asked back
"I am a ghost, an unholy being, untouchable, incorruptable, damned to walk the earth in this state, crying..." her voice trailed off.
"I see neither unholyness nor damnation in you. I see..." i had to stop.
What was i going to say, that i found her beautiful? That i hadnt seen such precious eyes in a long time? That i had the irresistible feeling that i wanted to hug her, confort her?
I couldnt just tell her that, could i?
She would probably just vanish into thin air and i would be left alone again in my silvery cage.
"I see a spirit in distress" the words that left my mouth.
"That is mostly correct i am afraid to concede" she admitted and looked at the floor.
"May i ask what is the source of your sorrow?"
"You may, and i may even answer..."
"Then, what is it that causes you this much pain?"
She looked up at me, right in the eyes. A solitary tear escaped her right eye. She put both of her hands on her chest and looked back down again.
"Oh... i see" was the only thing i could bring myself to say at that point.
"It wasnt too long ago either" she murmured.
"Heartaches dont go away that fast i guess... it takes time to close up some wounds. Especially if its pain stricken hearts..."
"It hurts so much..."
I got closer to her and tried to hug her, but it was futile.
My arms went right through her.
She noticed what i had wanted to do and backed off a little, terror painted in her eyes.
"I didnt mean to, i mean, i wanted to, but i didnt remember, i..."
"Sorry" was all she said before she started to vanish.
"NO" i almost shouted "please, let me explain, dont leave" hopelessness pouring out of my mouth "please promise you will come back another time"
"Maybe..." she murmured before the went through the ceiling into the outer world.
And so i was yet again left alone in my dark room.
16/4/12
After the Storm
The nightmares subsided, my world turned back to normal.
Four walls, a floor and a ceiling with a lightbulb hanging from it, all covered in darkness.
Never had this blackness felt this good.
*You alright?*
"Yeah, i guess... I..."
*You?*
"Im back... stronger than before"
*You know what they say, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger*
"Guess its true, i feel as if i have been reborn. Some things make more sense now, others just make sense despite being absurd before. I can see..."
*In this darkness?*
"Its a figure of speech..."
*I know, im just teasing*
"Ok then, i think i might take a nap unless the bulb lights up soon"
*Sounds good to me, but there is plenty of food over there*
"Over where? Nevermind"
I searched the room for the food i was told there was. After some time i found the tray. It tasted great, i didnt actually remember wether it was better or worse than the one i had been given before, it didnt matter anymore. I had gone through a hell-like experience, i suffered, i cried, but now the blindfold had fallen.
The bulb lit up.
My eyes scanned the room in search for the papers and the pen. I felt like i had to writte down what i went through, i had to create something out of nothing.
Just like i had given life to my nightmares, now i wanted to shape my dreams and desires.
IMPRESSIONS
Rainbow
that lies beneath a city made of gold
please let me inside
uncover your beauty
let me see your soul
your façade cant disguise the beauty inside that lies
to others maybe, but you cant decieve me
everything turns to water and flows
into the well
new hope arises from it
everything reborn anew
a new chance to make things right
althought it might have seemed it was well
deep inside there were troubles inside your head
let your soul fly into heavens
seek salvation from this world
leave this corrupted place
search for salvation
seek restoration
(PS: The song Impressions belongs to Ariadna Martin)
Four walls, a floor and a ceiling with a lightbulb hanging from it, all covered in darkness.
Never had this blackness felt this good.
*You alright?*
"Yeah, i guess... I..."
*You?*
"Im back... stronger than before"
*You know what they say, what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger*
"Guess its true, i feel as if i have been reborn. Some things make more sense now, others just make sense despite being absurd before. I can see..."
*In this darkness?*
"Its a figure of speech..."
*I know, im just teasing*
"Ok then, i think i might take a nap unless the bulb lights up soon"
*Sounds good to me, but there is plenty of food over there*
"Over where? Nevermind"
I searched the room for the food i was told there was. After some time i found the tray. It tasted great, i didnt actually remember wether it was better or worse than the one i had been given before, it didnt matter anymore. I had gone through a hell-like experience, i suffered, i cried, but now the blindfold had fallen.
The bulb lit up.
My eyes scanned the room in search for the papers and the pen. I felt like i had to writte down what i went through, i had to create something out of nothing.
Just like i had given life to my nightmares, now i wanted to shape my dreams and desires.
IMPRESSIONS
Rainbow
that lies beneath a city made of gold
please let me inside
uncover your beauty
let me see your soul
your façade cant disguise the beauty inside that lies
to others maybe, but you cant decieve me
everything turns to water and flows
into the well
new hope arises from it
everything reborn anew
a new chance to make things right
althought it might have seemed it was well
deep inside there were troubles inside your head
let your soul fly into heavens
seek salvation from this world
leave this corrupted place
search for salvation
seek restoration
(PS: The song Impressions belongs to Ariadna Martin)
12/4/12
The cactus and other horrors
I just dont feel up to the task of living through this day.
That was the first thought that crossed my mind that day. A long, restless night had left me devastated.
The message in the middle of the night, telling both good and bad news.
My feelings right now?
I cant describe...
Just a pain somewhere deep inside me i cant neither locate nor compare to anything felt before.
Id like to say so much, yet i feel like i should remain silent for the sake of... for the sake of I dont know...
The best way to describe how i feel right now is to make a comparison with the story of the boy and the cactus. I feel like the boy, hugging tight to the cactus, hurting himself, slowly bleeding away while the cactus shares my pain and silently begs me to stop hugging him for my sake.
But i cant stop...
I keep on hugging and the cactus, despite trying to show afection and sometime getting the message across, remains silent for now.
Tears roll down my face, burn my cheecks.
I take the cup and willingly take a sip, i did it quite some time ago, knowing that it could contain either the sweetest liquor or the most bitter poison i had ever tasted.
Right now it tastes bitter like death.
It tasted somewhat sweet at first. Over time, its taste changed and varied from sweet to bitter sometimes in just a few seconds, still i drank.
Over time it has gotten somewhat sour, but the possibility of it getting sweet again made me keep drinking.
I could experience the joy of its sweetness some nights, just to be confronted with its bitternes at breakfast.
Why did i take this cup? What did i see in it?
For some, it may not be the best, it may not be richly decorated, but posseses a power that no other cup could ever wish to have.
If you got lucky, this cup would turn any drink into the best ever tasted, all the bitter sips that may be poured inside would turn into liquid gold.
A kind of philosophers cup that would make life so sweet. Yet if unlucky, you may stumble upon this cup without the necessary knowledge and taste the worst drink ever brewed.
The light hadnt turned on for the past few days.
I had to writte in the dark, not knowing how the outcome would look like and even if it would be legible.
Still i wrote frantically, like some kind of possesed maniac with an unknown purpose.
I wrote both during day and night, for in the dead of night only awaited loneliness and nightmares.
But not the usual nightmares, no. My fate was far worse than mere nightmares. They were memories brought back by my unconscious, deformed, distorted and horribly real.
I felt as if i had been there, experiencing all the pain and all the suffering i had done in the past, but multiplied by the distortion.
People i knew, people i loved all faded into darkness and came back as horrible shadows of their former selves, bringing torment unknown to any mortal man .
After the third day of getting no rest, the nightmares came true in form of hallucinations.
He tried to reassure and confort me with smooth words and hard facts:
"They are not real, snap out of it, you and i both kow they wouldnt do this to you, they werent like that, you do remember them, dont you? All the good times spent with them, all the memories, you have to try to remember the true events instead of the distortion"
All that didnt help, despite my efforts, i couldnt remember almost anything, thus rendering the hallucinations more real.
Im writting this on a scrap of paper, cornered, battered, beaten and destroyed.
I dont know if i will be able to survive through this day... Im trying, hell knows i am, but i dont seem to see nor a lantern nor a light at the end of my particular tunel.
That was the first thought that crossed my mind that day. A long, restless night had left me devastated.
The message in the middle of the night, telling both good and bad news.
My feelings right now?
I cant describe...
Just a pain somewhere deep inside me i cant neither locate nor compare to anything felt before.
Id like to say so much, yet i feel like i should remain silent for the sake of... for the sake of I dont know...
The best way to describe how i feel right now is to make a comparison with the story of the boy and the cactus. I feel like the boy, hugging tight to the cactus, hurting himself, slowly bleeding away while the cactus shares my pain and silently begs me to stop hugging him for my sake.
But i cant stop...
I keep on hugging and the cactus, despite trying to show afection and sometime getting the message across, remains silent for now.
Tears roll down my face, burn my cheecks.
I take the cup and willingly take a sip, i did it quite some time ago, knowing that it could contain either the sweetest liquor or the most bitter poison i had ever tasted.
Right now it tastes bitter like death.
It tasted somewhat sweet at first. Over time, its taste changed and varied from sweet to bitter sometimes in just a few seconds, still i drank.
Over time it has gotten somewhat sour, but the possibility of it getting sweet again made me keep drinking.
I could experience the joy of its sweetness some nights, just to be confronted with its bitternes at breakfast.
Why did i take this cup? What did i see in it?
For some, it may not be the best, it may not be richly decorated, but posseses a power that no other cup could ever wish to have.
If you got lucky, this cup would turn any drink into the best ever tasted, all the bitter sips that may be poured inside would turn into liquid gold.
A kind of philosophers cup that would make life so sweet. Yet if unlucky, you may stumble upon this cup without the necessary knowledge and taste the worst drink ever brewed.
The light hadnt turned on for the past few days.
I had to writte in the dark, not knowing how the outcome would look like and even if it would be legible.
Still i wrote frantically, like some kind of possesed maniac with an unknown purpose.
I wrote both during day and night, for in the dead of night only awaited loneliness and nightmares.
But not the usual nightmares, no. My fate was far worse than mere nightmares. They were memories brought back by my unconscious, deformed, distorted and horribly real.
I felt as if i had been there, experiencing all the pain and all the suffering i had done in the past, but multiplied by the distortion.
People i knew, people i loved all faded into darkness and came back as horrible shadows of their former selves, bringing torment unknown to any mortal man .
After the third day of getting no rest, the nightmares came true in form of hallucinations.
He tried to reassure and confort me with smooth words and hard facts:
"They are not real, snap out of it, you and i both kow they wouldnt do this to you, they werent like that, you do remember them, dont you? All the good times spent with them, all the memories, you have to try to remember the true events instead of the distortion"
All that didnt help, despite my efforts, i couldnt remember almost anything, thus rendering the hallucinations more real.
Im writting this on a scrap of paper, cornered, battered, beaten and destroyed.
I dont know if i will be able to survive through this day... Im trying, hell knows i am, but i dont seem to see nor a lantern nor a light at the end of my particular tunel.
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