Meeting an old acquaintance

 11pm

Leisurely navigating my way back home

Something catches my eye

A lonely hedgehog is making an attempt to cross the street

I dont need to evade it, but I fear for the critters safety and stop on the sidewalk to check if it has decided to cross or go back to its burrow

Its not there

A minute goes by, still no sign of it

The headlights of a car shine on my and my beat up scooter

It passes 

I decide to continue my way home

And then suddenly it strikes me

I have found hope again

I have a vision of what i would like to do

I have plans

I have prospects

Things are going my way

I have hope for the future

For the first time in 4 years I have genuine hope for myself

A tear hurriedly escapes my eye and gets almost immediately dried on my cheek due to the chill nightly wind

I think everything is going to be ok

I think I will be able to make it

Its is strange, coming to that realization

Its like meeting an old acquaintance, you havent seen each other in forever but you know you will hit it off immediately after getting back

Hope is like that, I know that I can rely on it to help me further my future, and even if it sometimes might leave, I now am sure that it will eventually come back to support me 

Fear and Hope, two sides of a coin

 Im afraid

Afraid of having feelings I shouldn't have

I cant control them, but I can control the way I go on about them

And on the other hand there is hope

Bright like a candle in the dark, showing me the possibility of a future I had not been able to envision for the past 3 years

The anniversary is coming up and, for the first time in years, I feel like there is hope for me

I might be able to feel what I felt back then, to experience what I did back then

But not with her

I cant do it

I dont fear for my own sake, but for hers

And I dont know what her take is

But I cant act

And in this teenage like turmoil of emotions I am stuck

Wishing on one hand

Knowing the stakes in the other

realizing that there is no chance, that always in the back of my mind

And still... I smile genuinely again

I make silly jokes, she laughs

I... I feel again

I am anxious again

I wonder again

I fantasize again, despite those fantasies being reduced to ash as soon as reality kicks in and I hold my reins and settle down

But... I feel

Never would have I ever thought that I could go back to that state

And yet... here I am

Feeling what I shouldnt, hoping for what I shouldnt, wishing for what is forbidden

No matter what happens and how this ends (which will likely be in an aching heart but a clear conscience), I now know that I can feel again, that I am not broken, that there still is hope for me

I have not died emotionally, and that keeps me sane, keeps me hopeful, and yet so afraid

Hell

 Hell

An abstract concept for most

A Promise of pain for some

The daily life for many

I take the subway

get off my station

walk 100 meters to my building

climb up the stairs

open the door

get up the stairs, second floor

open the door

And hell awaits me

The final hallway to my apartment

Many times I have walked it

one way or the other

when I leave its no issue

when I stand at the entrance to get to what I call home

its Hell

Many a times have I stood there, wondering what time it is

not in the literal sense

I wear a watch and have my cell with me at all times

but what time in my life is it?

Is it back then when I was coming back from a weekend with her and this hallway meant the return to the daily life

Is it back from another day of work?

A day of studying?

A day of breaking up?

Am I alone, am I in company?

Do I like the company thats with me or does it just soothe my loneliness for the time being?

I wonder most of the times

and I never find the answer

I fear that, deep down, I wish I could turn back time to when I was genuinely happy

Before I had torn everything down

Before I had left

Before I took that ride back from her place and found myself alone and lonely in that corridor

Hell is having to face your failures every day while knowing there is nothing you can do about it

That train left almost 3 years ago and its not stopping at your station again, its headed straight, and you are waiting at the stop, hoping, with all your might, that it might somehow return and take you with it.

But it most likely wont

And you have to walk that corridor

every

single

damn

day

and be reminded of how you fucked up so badly that its still haunting you years after it happened, relationships after it happened, jobs after it happened, friendships after it happened...

Will moving absolve me from Hell?

Moving on, or moving to a new place

Movement is required, and yet I am stuck in this facet of my life

I can not really look forward, I have been blinded by my own ineptitude, my own selfishness, my own ego... my emotional side, too wild and untamed

I hate this corridor and yet, as a martyr in chains I walk it 

every 

single

damn

day

And am reminded that I am not what I could have been

Turning Point

 Did it all go wrong?

I do have the feeling, but I am not sure, its one of those things one cant ascertain, its more of a feeling, and an uncertain one at that

Did I make a grave mistake, perhaps even the worst mistake of my life?

Have I thusly forfeited any chance at happiness?

I can not tell for certain, but I have experienced things and seen things I wish upon nobody

The despair

The lonely nights

The depression

The tears shed in public transportation, the looks of empathy, the sharing of tissues, the start of nocive behaviors

The rash decisions that end up in even deeper cuts and greater hurt

Going out with your new special someone and, when they are not in field of sign at the mall you are visiting, daydreaming/fantasizing/hallucinating that she comes around the corner, that everything that happened was a terrible, terrible nightmare that you had

But, as much a nightmare as it is, I do not wake up

She doesnt appear from the corner of the store in the mall

The new special someone does, and my heart collapses

That relationship doesnt last

Will this one?

No it wont, its already over, you know it, but they dont, and how to tell them?

They are so invested, so happy, it does them well to have you around them, but is it helping you, is it doing you any good?

Do you have the courage to tell them that it does not really work for you anymore?

You will eventually have to tell them...

But then what will happen to you?

Again alone?

Again miserable?

Indulging, sometimes, in the same nocive behavior? Making rash decisions?

Drowning the loneliness in stupid hookups with strangers to not feel empty for those few hours, just to feel worse later on?

Or might you rise this time?

Its been 3 years already

And yet you cant really say that you are completely over her

You daydream of talking to her, asking for a second chance

But you blew it, and you know it

YOU were the one that made the decision for you both, and its your burden to carry

Do I deserve happiness?

Do I deserve to fulfill the plan that is slowly coming together?

Or am I condemned to be a martyr for someone else, to be good for others while being miserable inside?

I wonder

Do I have the right, after having made such a grave mistake, to find someone that might fit me as well as she did? Do I even have a chance, statistically speaking?

Or are those years gone and I am condemned to live with my immaturity, my cowardice, my lack of self reflection?

But I am getting better, am I not?

Will that be enough?

Is it enough right now, or do I have to keep working on myself to have a shot at that which I desire?

Is me writing this down going to make a difference?

Is there another turning point in the horizon, as I approach my 30th birthday?

Anatomy of a Vampire

"It is long past midnight as my eyes shut open and dart across the darkness.

Not a soul in sight, no breeze, no light, but the hunger...

Cramps, a deep longing for blood, churning inside a tide of appetite that washes over me and get me in motion.

I step outside the casket, outside the cellar, into the brightly lit city night.

The city is alive now even at night, a different hunt, a different challenge, but plenty more cattle to choose from, and many more perils to avoid.

Of the city lights that bathe the night sky, I have grown to love the neon ones, not as bright as the rest, and always a good shepherd to me, telling me where the poor little lambs are."

 

Thats how I would have envisioned it to be, fantastic, mystical, whimsical even. 

But that would be a lie, and it would not reflect the true nature of the beast in the way I experienced it.

It was much more simple, much more human.

An evening filled with laughter, games, a shared meal, shared thoughts, shared secrets...

Culminating with the realization that the storm that had been brewing had finally broken out and she wished to stay the night, which made sense, since leaving would be dangerous.

She was already wearing my clothes, and she looked quite charming with them, at least 4 sizes too big, baggy pants, strong legs...

What am I thinking?

We get ready to sleep

I could have inflated the other bed, could have told her to sleep there, she even offered to sleep on the floor, but I insisted on her sleeping in the bed next to me.

Its big enough, after all?

What am I doing?

Each assumes their position and we go to sleep.

We wake up the next morning, make some small talk about "sleeping together" and have some small bite for breakfast.

But thats not how it went.

I wake up in the middle of the night, great cramps tensing every muscle of my midsection. Not the only thing tense, mind you.

Its not an ache, or at least, not exactly an ache.

Its a hunger... a deep, unintelligible hunger that is contorting my abdominal area and making we wonder what is wrong with me.

My eyes have perfectly adjusted to the darkness, as they usually do.

And there she lies next to me, calm, breathing slowly, her hair flowing from her head unto my sheets, she is so close but so far at the same time.

What am I feeling?

I feel a hunger, a deep, lustful hunger.

I know what I want, but I know how wrong it would be. I can not and will not risk everything for my hunger, but it stings, it writhes like a hellish worm in my gut.

Then her scent hits me. My nose never was the best, but that scent envelops me. Is it camomile? Is it it vanilla? I dont know, I do not care much, I just know it further expands my hunger.

Another pinch of pain to remind me that I am awake, aware and awash with feelings that I had never encountered.

And, suddenly, it strikes me...

I have become a Vampire

I feel the hunger

I fear the cross

I fear the garlic

And, most of all, I fear the stake

Majora / Minora

I put on a mask

I do not actively chose to, but I put it on

Nobody but one person has ever seen me for who I am

Imperfect

Depressed

Doubtful

Lusting for what I can never have

One person alone knows it all

And that person is not here anymore

I put on a Mask

Willfully

I do not want to be seen

Dont want to be noticed

Dont want to be forced into the light with all the burden that such an action would imply

I put on a mask

I take my pills

Is this even the real me?

Who or what is the real me?

Could they tell?

Could you tell?

Can I tell?

I put on a mask

and hope someday I will look back and think that all this ordeal was silly, my suffering was more imagined than real, my writings were a product of their time and will forever stay that way

I put on a mask

With the hope of one day being able to take it off and show my face to the world

tracing back

What I told you was hard to swallow, that much if for sure.
But you taking the chance to actually take an active interest into what i do and, especially, what i listen to... that is just creepy at this point in time.
Its far too late...
Its uncalled for...
Its just too late...
You had years to take an interest in it, to share moments with me.
Instead you considered your duty accomplish by "being there"
you dont know better and i can not fault you for that
but i have grown, i have changed
i am not walking by your hand back from school
I am doing my own thing, making my own decisions, weird thing since you have always hovered over me in that regard since i was too unsure from the get go
And now, as i write these lines and chug on a bottle of ale, i ponder:
whose fault is it?
should I have stood up more for myself?
Should you have let me take my own decisions and make my own mistakes?
we will never know...
but stop trying to make up for the past
concentrate on yourself
all your life is most likely a farce from what i can gather
and my existence is the series of coincidences and consequences that I am not yet, 4 week after the fact, able to properly process...
a tear wants to escape my eyes, but it wont, i am not drunk enough, i am too proud
and i have been and still am too much of a coward towards you...
i was conceived in the worst possible scenario, and it shows...
you did your best, but your best in this case was far from good
just like when i said that i did my best in the exams and i failed
you have done the same
your best wasnt enough and i have to bear the burdent for the rest of my days...

I am just rambling at this point...
I take another shot
I have to make the most of this weird serotonin wave as long as it lasts....

I... i can not say i love you
Because I am quite sure I dont, i cant express such emotion towards you
I am grateful for all you did, I really am and i willingly admit it
but i dont love you
neither you nor him
I do not know what i feel toward you, but its definitely not love
and you confessing to not loving and caring for her because she separated me from you...
Its too much...
you are not good, you are evil in a weird, loving way
and i am not coming back, mark my words
I want as little as possible to have to do with you now that i know the truth, which came by accident after you said you didnt hide ANYTHING from me...
I am you
you are me
we are similar and yet so different
and i DO NOT love you
I should
i am expected to
but i dont
and it saddens me for i would like to
but after all you have done and said
we are better off without each other

you try to figure out what you want, because, even at your age, you have no clue
the willing martyr
the saint that wants to save everyone
the naive girl that left the village looking for a world that doesnt exits
you need to grow up and so do i
but somehow i feel like i have less growing to do

i take another sip

you wont read this entry either, you just found out i even have a blog i write on
and i am okay with it

you would most likely break down, because deep down you know i am somehow right...
IF i was brave, i would ask you to leave me alone for some months
i would confront the reality of my existence

who knows

I was said i was going to pursue someone and i didnt, and thank fuck for that

so maybe doing the rational thing is the best course of action, again

I am just another soul in search of its way, like everyone else