16/8/21

Turning Point

 Did it all go wrong?

I do have the feeling, but I am not sure, its one of those things one cant ascertain, its more of a feeling, and an uncertain one at that

Did I make a grave mistake, perhaps even the worst mistake of my life?

Have I thusly forfeited any chance at happiness?

I can not tell for certain, but I have experienced things and seen things I wish upon nobody


The despair

The lonely nights

The depression

The tears shed in public transportation, the looks of empathy, the sharing of tissues, the start of nocive behaviors

The rash decisions that end up in even deeper cuts and greater hurt


Going out with your new special someone and, when they are not in field of sign at the mall you are visiting, daydreaming/fantasizing/hallucinating that she comes around the corner, that everything that happened was a terrible, terrible nightmare that you had

But, as much a nightmare as it is, I do not wake up

She doesnt appear from the corner of the store in the mall

The new special someone does, and my heart collapses


That relationship doesnt last


Will this one?


No it wont, its already over, you know it, but they dont, and how to tell them?

They are so invested, so happy, it does them well to have you around them, but is it helping you, is it doing you any good?


Do you have the courage to tell them that it does not really work for you anymore?


You will eventually have to tell them...


But then what will happen to you?


Again alone?

Again miserable?

Indulging, sometimes, in the same nocive behavior? Making rash decisions?

Drowning the loneliness in stupid hookups with strangers to not feel empty for those few hours, just to feel worse later on?


Or might you rise this time?


Its been 3 years already


And yet you cant really say that you are completely over her


You daydream of talking to her, asking for a second chance


But you blew it, and you know it

YOU were the one that made the decision for you both, and its your burden to carry


Do I deserve happiness?

Do I deserve to fulfill the plan that is slowly coming together?


Or am I condemned to be a martyr for someone else, to be good for others while being miserable inside?


I wonder


Do I have the right, after having made such a grave mistake, to find someone that might fit me as well as she did? Do I even have a chance, statistically speaking?


Or are those years gone and I am condemned to live with my immaturity, my cowardice, my lack of self reflection?


But I am getting better, am I not?


Will that be enough?


Is it enough right now, or do I have to keep working on myself to have a shot at that which I desire?


Is me writing this down going to make a difference?


Is there another turning point in the horizon, as I approach my 30th birthday?