Hearthache (Interlude)

Tell me child, why would you ever want to leave my side?

* *

Oh my child, what moves you to want to leave my side?

Have I not treated you as well as any mother could? Or as well as any mother should? Just to avoid what you may yet become

*Do you want a book?
Or maybe a pie?
Butterscotch or Snail
For the apple of my eye*

Please don't hurt me Mum, I swear I won't misbehave,

* *

(What could you have seen? was it something unforseen, the future, a dream, entwining, I keep reminding myself that it was not my fault

Whats a dream or what's the truth here anyway?

Please don't hurt me Mum I swear I won't misbehave

The past, a mirage, it hurts, remembering, I have to fight for what's to come and what is good

What's the past or what's a lie here anyway?

Tell me child what you expect to find on the other side

Is it the truth or revenge that you may wish to gain?

That is only for me to decide

One last time allow me to intervene
One last time please let me to hold your hand

254 cigarettes later

The wind lashes my scrubby face as I make my way back home.
I take out the tin container, carefully open it, flick the paper protector, pull out one cigar, flick it back to its proper place, put the cigar in my mouth, close the tin container and place it back in my pocket.
I reposition the cigar in the right corner of my lips, take out the lighter and look for a place where the wind will not mercilessly put out the flame as soon as I light it up.

I take a corner and take cover, press the button: the flame comes to life and kisses the tip of my cigar, my hands protect the flickering light as it slowly engulfs the tobacco leaves and gifts them the fire of life.

The first breath in is always the best, no matter how much, hard or long i have tried to quit, I always come back to that first breath in. It calms my nerves, makes my head lighter, makes me aware of my surroundings.

And it reminds me of the sour taste of the reason why I started to smoke.

You decided to drink, paid for none of the drinks you had, I took the route that was safer for me since I knew what awaited me at the other end: my mother, the chainsmoker.

Was it a desirable goal?
No

But it was the safe bet in the turmoil that had become my life, I knew what it was, I knew where it would take me, I knew where I would end.

At first I thought I had it under control, I lighted the cigar and not the other way around. I was the one making the decision, wanting to experience that sweet first breath in.

254 cigarettes later I am not as sure.

I do take that first breath, I do somewhat enjoy it, I decide to smoke the rest because nothing else gives me the short lived entertainment that i crave at that point in time.

I fill the void I made with the smoke I inhale.

I burn my life away with every breath I take.

I destroy myself, and I enjoy it.

Or I used to enjoy it...

I wonder where I will be 300 cigarettes later, 500, 732...
Any arbitrary number will do, the question remains: where will I be? Where is the goal, what do I want? What... do I deserve?