Fear and Hope, two sides of a coin

 Im afraid

Afraid of having feelings I shouldn't have

I cant control them, but I can control the way I go on about them

And on the other hand there is hope

Bright like a candle in the dark, showing me the possibility of a future I had not been able to envision for the past 3 years

The anniversary is coming up and, for the first time in years, I feel like there is hope for me

I might be able to feel what I felt back then, to experience what I did back then

But not with her

I cant do it

I dont fear for my own sake, but for hers

And I dont know what her take is

But I cant act

And in this teenage like turmoil of emotions I am stuck

Wishing on one hand

Knowing the stakes in the other

realizing that there is no chance, that always in the back of my mind

And still... I smile genuinely again

I make silly jokes, she laughs

I... I feel again

I am anxious again

I wonder again

I fantasize again, despite those fantasies being reduced to ash as soon as reality kicks in and I hold my reins and settle down

But... I feel

Never would have I ever thought that I could go back to that state

And yet... here I am

Feeling what I shouldnt, hoping for what I shouldnt, wishing for what is forbidden

No matter what happens and how this ends (which will likely be in an aching heart but a clear conscience), I now know that I can feel again, that I am not broken, that there still is hope for me

I have not died emotionally, and that keeps me sane, keeps me hopeful, and yet so afraid

Hell

 Hell

An abstract concept for most

A Promise of pain for some

The daily life for many

I take the subway

get off my station

walk 100 meters to my building

climb up the stairs

open the door

get up the stairs, second floor

open the door

And hell awaits me

The final hallway to my apartment

Many times I have walked it

one way or the other

when I leave its no issue

when I stand at the entrance to get to what I call home

its Hell

Many a times have I stood there, wondering what time it is

not in the literal sense

I wear a watch and have my cell with me at all times

but what time in my life is it?

Is it back then when I was coming back from a weekend with her and this hallway meant the return to the daily life

Is it back from another day of work?

A day of studying?

A day of breaking up?

Am I alone, am I in company?

Do I like the company thats with me or does it just soothe my loneliness for the time being?

I wonder most of the times

and I never find the answer

I fear that, deep down, I wish I could turn back time to when I was genuinely happy

Before I had torn everything down

Before I had left

Before I took that ride back from her place and found myself alone and lonely in that corridor

Hell is having to face your failures every day while knowing there is nothing you can do about it

That train left almost 3 years ago and its not stopping at your station again, its headed straight, and you are waiting at the stop, hoping, with all your might, that it might somehow return and take you with it.

But it most likely wont

And you have to walk that corridor

every

single

damn

day

and be reminded of how you fucked up so badly that its still haunting you years after it happened, relationships after it happened, jobs after it happened, friendships after it happened...

Will moving absolve me from Hell?

Moving on, or moving to a new place

Movement is required, and yet I am stuck in this facet of my life

I can not really look forward, I have been blinded by my own ineptitude, my own selfishness, my own ego... my emotional side, too wild and untamed

I hate this corridor and yet, as a martyr in chains I walk it 

every 

single

damn

day

And am reminded that I am not what I could have been

Turning Point

 Did it all go wrong?

I do have the feeling, but I am not sure, its one of those things one cant ascertain, its more of a feeling, and an uncertain one at that

Did I make a grave mistake, perhaps even the worst mistake of my life?

Have I thusly forfeited any chance at happiness?

I can not tell for certain, but I have experienced things and seen things I wish upon nobody

The despair

The lonely nights

The depression

The tears shed in public transportation, the looks of empathy, the sharing of tissues, the start of nocive behaviors

The rash decisions that end up in even deeper cuts and greater hurt

Going out with your new special someone and, when they are not in field of sign at the mall you are visiting, daydreaming/fantasizing/hallucinating that she comes around the corner, that everything that happened was a terrible, terrible nightmare that you had

But, as much a nightmare as it is, I do not wake up

She doesnt appear from the corner of the store in the mall

The new special someone does, and my heart collapses

That relationship doesnt last

Will this one?

No it wont, its already over, you know it, but they dont, and how to tell them?

They are so invested, so happy, it does them well to have you around them, but is it helping you, is it doing you any good?

Do you have the courage to tell them that it does not really work for you anymore?

You will eventually have to tell them...

But then what will happen to you?

Again alone?

Again miserable?

Indulging, sometimes, in the same nocive behavior? Making rash decisions?

Drowning the loneliness in stupid hookups with strangers to not feel empty for those few hours, just to feel worse later on?

Or might you rise this time?

Its been 3 years already

And yet you cant really say that you are completely over her

You daydream of talking to her, asking for a second chance

But you blew it, and you know it

YOU were the one that made the decision for you both, and its your burden to carry

Do I deserve happiness?

Do I deserve to fulfill the plan that is slowly coming together?

Or am I condemned to be a martyr for someone else, to be good for others while being miserable inside?

I wonder

Do I have the right, after having made such a grave mistake, to find someone that might fit me as well as she did? Do I even have a chance, statistically speaking?

Or are those years gone and I am condemned to live with my immaturity, my cowardice, my lack of self reflection?

But I am getting better, am I not?

Will that be enough?

Is it enough right now, or do I have to keep working on myself to have a shot at that which I desire?

Is me writing this down going to make a difference?

Is there another turning point in the horizon, as I approach my 30th birthday?