Hell

 Hell

An abstract concept for most

A Promise of pain for some

The daily life for many

I take the subway

get off my station

walk 100 meters to my building

climb up the stairs

open the door

get up the stairs, second floor

open the door

And hell awaits me

The final hallway to my apartment

Many times I have walked it

one way or the other

when I leave its no issue

when I stand at the entrance to get to what I call home

its Hell

Many a times have I stood there, wondering what time it is

not in the literal sense

I wear a watch and have my cell with me at all times

but what time in my life is it?

Is it back then when I was coming back from a weekend with her and this hallway meant the return to the daily life

Is it back from another day of work?

A day of studying?

A day of breaking up?

Am I alone, am I in company?

Do I like the company thats with me or does it just soothe my loneliness for the time being?

I wonder most of the times

and I never find the answer

I fear that, deep down, I wish I could turn back time to when I was genuinely happy

Before I had torn everything down

Before I had left

Before I took that ride back from her place and found myself alone and lonely in that corridor

Hell is having to face your failures every day while knowing there is nothing you can do about it

That train left almost 3 years ago and its not stopping at your station again, its headed straight, and you are waiting at the stop, hoping, with all your might, that it might somehow return and take you with it.

But it most likely wont

And you have to walk that corridor

every

single

damn

day

and be reminded of how you fucked up so badly that its still haunting you years after it happened, relationships after it happened, jobs after it happened, friendships after it happened...

Will moving absolve me from Hell?

Moving on, or moving to a new place

Movement is required, and yet I am stuck in this facet of my life

I can not really look forward, I have been blinded by my own ineptitude, my own selfishness, my own ego... my emotional side, too wild and untamed

I hate this corridor and yet, as a martyr in chains I walk it 

every 

single

damn

day

And am reminded that I am not what I could have been