9/6/18

The Anchor


After having suffered from a series of unfortunate events, nothing tragic as such, but certainly life-changing, I decided it was time to visit a shrink and get a professionals opinion on the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind.
It has been some time since I visited his practice and had, until recently, been taking the medication he had prescribed alongside some CBT therapy. At one point, however, I decided that I had to face my inner demons by myself, armed with the accumulated knowledge and the experience I had gathered up to this point.
I knew it would not be easy, that there would be days in which i would feel completely and utterly destroyed emotionally for no reason, no matter how hard i worked or fought against it.
It felt as if I was carrying with me an anchor that could, at any given point, drag me into the depths with it.
I knew the risk, I knew the odds, I knew the likely outcome, and yet I braved it all.
Until the day that it was just too muh, the anchor was slowing me down, dragging me down, getting me down.
Nothing brought me joy, happiness, even just contentness would have sufficed, but it just didnt come.
So I took the final step...
I decided to write about it and tell others how living with transient endogenous depression is like and feels like, what getting up in the morning knowing you have every reason to be grateful for but being unable to feel it is like.
I decided to open up to the world, to give, to anyone that wished for it, the opportunity to drag my anchor with me.
It would not make it any lighter, but it would at least not be as lonesome as it used to.

6/6/18

On healing from the past

Its become widely accepted that every human body has a different regenerative factor that determines the rate at which it can recover from injury and illness.

Later it was established that, in the same fashion as the body, each mind also has a rate at which it recovers from stress and trauma.

Today I found out how long I needed to recover from such a stressful event: 9 months and 4 days.

I didnt intend on working on that issue of mine, I didnt even think about it, but somehow, in the middle of a conversation about it, I discovered that I was ready to confront it again, thus proving to myself that I had finally made the last step towards a complete recovery: facing the past head on.

I believe that no therapy or deep introspection would have better prepared  me for the realization, it just kind of happened. I guess that my mind had been slowly cooking the idea in my head up till this point and today was the great reveal.

It was a strange feeling, a different feeling, freedom in a weird way, no more chains holding me to the past, instad I have the futur to look forward to and I can imagine myslf freely talking about it.

22/5/18

The house by the lake (PS: Epilogue)


Years had passed since the day on which I had found your lifeless body in your bed.
A smile on your face, the gentle rays of the sun illuminating the room, a gentle breeze that moved the curtains of the windows.

You seemed… content.

I was at first broken. A small child with no mother, a lot of responsibilities that I now had to carry on my own. Debt, joblessness, depression.

I found some solace in music and made it my passion and my sole purpose for the following months, neglecting our child and my responsibilities. I had some savings that I made use of during that time.

When I played the piano you felt alive again. I escaped into a world where you were still alive, ill, but alive. I could tell you about my worries, about my fears, about how our child was growing up, how the house we had acquired was slowly turning into a home thanks to your love for detail and good taste.

During the piano sessions, I was free.

But then came the crash…

The savings, which I knew could not last forever, did indeed run out.
Social services deemed me unfit for parenting and took our child away.
My family decided that I was too much of a burden to take care of and stopped writing to me and inviting me to their lavish celebrations.

I was alone, broke and alone.

Looking back I doubt I would be where I am today were it not for the pit I dug myself into. Maybe, deep down, I knew that the only way for me to rise was to burn everything to the ground and build it back up from scratch.

It took me months to find a job and a few years to regain custody over my child, I was lucky though, since to this day they have no memory of us ever being apart.

The passion and despair I felt back in that time fueled a torrent of emotions that helped me produce what, to this day, is considered one of the best, if not my best work.

I have gathered the courage to write what I hope will be the first of many letters. I know it has been a long time since we spoke… I would not be surprised if you hated me a bit for having taken so long, but I needed the loneliness, I needed the despair, the depression, the depths of the pit to claw myself out of.

Alex is growing up to be a fine child. I take them for long walks in nature and tell them about the different trees, I tried getting them into music, but it seems that the musical part of us is dying with me. Who would have guessed though, right? Child of two musicians refuses to partake in their parents hobby. I guess that is how children are, they have to find their own way after all.

I am doing fine now, I know that there are other ways I can get in touch with you, goodness knows I needed this, but was partly afraid, partly too numb to realize.

I hope this letter finds you well.

I promise I will be sending you one of these every month to keep you updated on how Alex and I are doing.
Yes, I promise I am fine, you do not have to worry now, I am capable of taking care of everything. Except decorating the house… that is something only you could do well… Alex does have your good taste though, so I let them buy decorations every once in a while to give the house a more homely feel to it.

My studio is sacred though, I need the chaos to reign absolutely supreme in there!

I have to go now, Alex is ready to go out bird-watching and is beckoning me to hurry up.

I loved you, I still do, and I forever will.

Yours only,

...

11/5/18

Like a moth to a flame


I can distinctly remember the moment I was mesmerizingly staring into the flame just one second shy of his sickle slitting my throat.

In that flame I say a great deal many things:

beauty expressed through my beloved walking through a barley field, the soft breeze gently swaying the picture with a loving caress.

Love through a fiery and sensuous night of carnal desire and uninhibited lust.

Promise, a small child slowly walking towards me, bright eyes, playful smile, not a worry in the world.

Peace

But as soon as those soothing images had vanished from my head, I saw the other side of the coin:

Famine: a small child starving as the obese walk past him, greasy food in their hands.

Ugliness: a corpse washed up by the shore, its entirety swelled up and putrid.

Loneliness: Myself strolling through the empty streets of the biggest metropolis imaginable

I saw all those things and more the moment before the sickle sliced my throat, and now I am trapped, condemned to relive that moment again and again along with the rest of the victims he claimed for his amusement.

Now and again we can avert our eyes from those visions and see the real world outside the lamp, the only distortion the green, eerie light that emanates from us and to the world of the living through the impenetrable glass of the lamp.

The world has changed.

He no longer inhabits the isles, he no longer murders for fun. He has yet again become a shadow of his former self, now fighting in the league for some bigger purpose than himself.

But here we are, trapped, for it was ruled that, since we give him power, we are to be the sacrifice made for the greater good.

We were attracted to the lamp like a moth to a flame, and now we shall inhabit it forever.

14/7/17

A stranger I used to know

Its funny...
The day I saw you on the street, that day I think I remember having had a dream about you.
I dont recall what it was about or why you were in it, but I guess it was somewhat of a warning.

You had not changed at all, still all the same, nothing would change you.

I on the other hand was completely different, I had changed, for better or worse. Maybe that why you did not recognize me, you were, I guess, expecting me to be the exact same as back then, but I had moved on, I had done things, I had shaped my life in the way I wanted it to.

We crossed as any other two strangers cross on the street of a crowded city, but I knew that we were not just any other couple of strangers that pass each other on the daily.

We had known each other, shared memories, good ones, bad ones, but they were ours. They had no meaning now, though.

You passed me, did not even spare a second glance. And I made no effort to correct your mistake, what good would that have brought? It was over for a reason, and nothing would change that.

Before I realized it you were behind me, just like we were, in my past, and I would not dare to look back to get something positive out of it. It was my past and I vowed to leave you and everything else there.

Part of me would have wanted to grab a drink, ask about how you were doing, the better part of me kept me from it.

The duality of what we had been, what we could have been, and what we were still haunts me to this day, to this moment

6/4/17

The Solution

"But at the end of the day, there is not that much crime to be accounted for, people are unlikely to commit crimes"

'And how exactly does one run such a vast complex without much crime, it is a lot of people confined to a relatively small area'

"It was the 4s idea, one of the very first actually"

'...yes?'

"Curious?"

'Quite, to be frank'

"You see, the development of technology did not only bring with it the advancement of soul surgery, as we like to call it. We were also able to develop simulations so real, that the subjects were in no way able to discern between reality and fiction"

'I am acquainted with the advancements made by the enclave'

"No doubt you are. Anyway, the 4 decided to conduct a little experiment. They based the eventual positive results of their method on the premise that, once the soul has saciated its innermost, darkest desires, the mind is at ease and the individual can carry on with their normal life"

'Enabling their fantasies? That hardly sounds feasible, legal or moral'

"It is if their actions have no repercusion on the real world"

'Simulation of the crime?'

"Precisely. We would abduct the individuals that presented certain patterns of behabior associated with crime proneness and introduce them to a simulation tailored to their personalities in such a way that they would be enabled to act on their impulses without realising that what they were doing was part of a simulation"

'I have to admit that I am quite skeptical of the notion, yet it does seem to bear most satisfactory fruit'

"It is a costly and meticulous process, but I can assure you that it is worth every second and credit spent on it"

'There is one question that comes to mind though: Do you tell the subjects that their actions have had no repercusion in the real world?'

"We tend not to... that way they live in fear of getting caught and judged. They make model citizens after the crime has been commited"

'Hm'

26/3/17

Fortitudo

I am the strenght needed to make the decisions that must be made.

I am the force that fights against the injustices in the world.

I am the fortitude against the odds, against the enemies, against ignorance.

I am the resolve necessary to take challenges head on and never waver.

I am the bravery in the moment of truth, the courage that fills you when you need it most, the valor required to take the step to a brighter tomorrow.

I am Fortitudo, one of the four heads of the Enclave.

I enforce the laws dictated by Iustitia, defy Temperantia while heeding the warnings of Prudentia.

I command the police force, the military

I praise those that, through me, achieve their dreams and desires, change the world for the best, fight for what is right. In moments of need, praise my name, summon me to your battlefield, no matter the time, no matter the place, let me aid you in your effort.

No battle shall be resolved without me by your side, no justice can be achieved without me.

For I am Fortitudo, bearer of truth.